My fiancée does not know how to order off a menu. Actually she does, she doesn’t care to order from a menu like most people do.
Going out to eat with her is pretty much an hour long ordeal of me gritting my teeth while she racks up a bill 3x mine, all while trying nicely to steer her to just one item. She’ll open the menu, get overwhelmed with options, and end up ordering a la carte from places that do not work that way, asking for endless substitutions and upcharges. As an example, at a restaraunt, she might not be able to decide between a burger or chicken tenders, so she’ll ask for “a half order” of both of them, then she likes the sound of one specific dipping sauce that comes with another entree so she’ll ask for a cup of that, etc. Etc. I’ll say something before we go in, she’ll promise me she’ll just get a water, and then get a water - and a margarita. It’s draining. At this point, we go out maybe once pr twice a year unless something forces us out more than that.
The scenario that prompted this rant was that tonight was one of those times. Our bill was $82.10. My entree plus water was $10.99.
Does she still do this when she’s the one paying the bill?
The important question
Buffet time
Who are you, so wise in the ways of ordering?
This really is the way.
I feel like this is a discussion you need to actually have with her
You could say this to anyone posting in /c/offmychest
this community is here to kinda vent and figure out what’s up before you take that step.
It’s a really good response for most of these problems, but yeah, the point is to get it out of your system and perhaps gain some perspective.
Yeah but communication is the solution to any relationship type problem - usually the problem is people just don’t know what to communicate or how to communicate it.
I think you’re right, it’s foundational. I also think sometimes you gotta work out what you’re trying to communicate first, and talking about it with somebody else is a great way to go about it.
I guess I feel the implied end goal is to discuss it with the person in real life, but it’s not a bad thing to be explicit about it, too.
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Have you tried going for something with a tapas format where it’s expected to get lots of different small dishes?
Ooh, or dim sum! Love me some dim sum.
At the end of the day here’s the truth of the matter. This will not change, and it will bother you for the rest of your time together. If this is actually annoying enough for you to post this here, it will only get worse over time. You’re not gonna get used to it, you will likely grow to resent her for it. People don’t change, not really. Decide now, this is a deal breaker or not. There’s no way this behaviour doesn’t bleed into other shit in your lives. Changing course this far into the game is hard, but I suspect that you already know what you wanted to hear from everyone the moment you posted this. Listen to your gut.
The honest advice here nobody likes to hear, but is the reality.
Occasionally people like this can change, but it takes some pretty serious life events to cause a behavioral change like that to stick. Something like a divorce, death in the family, personal near death experience, becoming destitute, watching something horrible happen in front of you, etc.
Point being, it’s unlikely to change anytime soon.
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Have you tried communicating with her?
Yes, works in pretty much every case, but he’s likely trying to gauge his frustration with others to see if it’s a big enough deal to bring up to her I’d wager.
Y’all should just go to a buffet or all you can eat style thing. Maybe hotpot or something
I once had invited a similar character into my life… a spoiled bitch that thought she’s the center of the universe. In reality she would hate OP for suggesting something like a buffet, to cover up she wouldn’t know how to behave. And it has to be expensive… she defines his “love” on the amount he spends on her.
I hope to fuck this isn’t OPs girl.
or a sushi train, tapas
What’s the root concern? Cost, imbalance, or inconvenience?
- If it’s cost, she can pay for herself.
- If it’s imbalance, don’t go 50/50. She can pay for whatever she wants.
- If it’s inconvenience (takes too long to order and get food), you can order and ask for your food to be brought out when ready. Or just wait, chill out, and enjoy some time together.
You should never worry about inconvenience to the restaurant or staff. Substituting is normal. If they can’t do it, they’ll tell you. Otherwise they’ll happily provide the food and take the money. That’s the social contract.
From your description, it looks like the main issue is #1 and #2. If so, a frank conversation should fix it. It may solve the problem, or uncover larger issues and expectations you should probably handle before getting married.
I am going to parrot what others are asking - what part of this is the biggest problem? If it’s the expense, show her the bill. Tell her it bothers you that you don’t treat the restaurant experience the same. Ask about why she doesn’t like the canned options.
But you know - I don’t think she is capital W Wrong in her approach, especially if you only go out to eat rarely. If she wants a variety, could you just order a bunch of appetizers for the table and share? We usually order for the table in expensive places, not for ourselves, we go one item at a time and share it, and that’s one of the best things about the fancier restaurants. Or go to an Ethiopian place, they serve everything on one big injera for both of you.
Communication is the issue here I think - does she see it as “you are taking her out and want her to go indulge herself and enjoy” because going out to eat is entertainment and you see it as “I want to go out to eat because it’s convenient and you are taking away the one benefit of going out to eat”. And you are going to have to manage those competing desires in some way. I don’t think it needs to be crazy expensive if that’s what’s bothering you.
How do you cook and eat at home? I really like to cook and can make food as good as we get when we go out, but if I want convenience my husband gets us takeout from somewhere. A restaurant is more for the experience not just the food.
Start splitting the bill so you each only pay for what you’re eating yourselves. Jesus, man, the pussy can’t be THAT good.
I’ll second this. While I’ve certainly never been in this situation, it’s a common strategy with friends. Actually I pushed this strategy when I started earning more, started loosening up and splurging more, and didn’t want to burden my friends
Maybe it would help if you had a heart-to-heart about why this is bothering you and (together) make a plan to tackle this. From your description, it seems like the occasional margarita is not really the issue but it’s the inconvenience to the staff, the embarrassment to you, and the costs that come with the dishes she orders. It might help to look at the menu online beforehand and decide on what you’re getting in advance. You could even pick out two dishes together, and you could share a few bites, if you’re okay with that. Her behavior seems to be at least a little compulsive, which is hard to get rid of but can be overcome with some practice.
… As an addendum to a comment I made somewhere else on this:
Abso-fucking-loutely do not show her this post to prove a point! You won’t be able to explain the context no matter how hard you try.
But, if you are looking to end the relationship with a quickness by all means, YOLO this shit. Get some video if you can anonymize it somehow.
We are just rando internet idiots. Don’t be taking advice from us, if that was the intention. We are just here for the validation of your bias and some magic internet points.
Maybe she’d like a buffet where she can make her own plate. There are so many types of places that specifically do custom orders like sandwich shops and bakeries, along with pizza, buffets, and lots of cultural food types (Asian, Mexican, Italian, etc). Maybe try those options.
To a lesser extent, it is worth noting that some people like being ordered for. It would be wise to ask if that would work for her before attempting it, though.
I hate bothering the chefs by asking them to remove things from menu items. I’d rather eat something I don’t want than do it.
This would be hell to me.
Jesus.
Get out now, dude.
Nah, im just being dramatic, venting. She’s literally great in every other aspect, financially speaking. We split rent 50/50, buy groceries separately, both contribute equally to a rainy day cash jar, etc. Etc. It’s just that all of that responsibility goes out when she gets to a restaraunt booth. I’m not going to tank 6 years over that, just using the community for what its made for
My partner has a friend like this. We take her to a place we like, because it does have good food…
They then makes an endless series of modifications to a dish the place is known for, until it’s utterly indistinguishable, and the back of house crew will be very annoyed. Then they complain that the food wasn’t good.
That would drive me insane.
I’m glad your girl is otherwise a great partner, but are you worried other things like this might become evident once you’ve tied the knot?
I think it’s time for a very honest conversation and try to get to the root of the issue, in addition to relationship counseling and possibly financial planning.
Or they just agree to go Dutch 🤷🏼♀️ he can just say “I have $30 budgeted for this meal, anything over that needs to come out of your budget”
That’s kind of like a bandaid on tissue that’s threatening to necrotize. It can be done, but the actual issue needs exploration and excision.
just using the community for what its made for
Just as the internet was meant to be. I genuinely hope things get better.
My wife was bad with restaurants, groceries, and utilities before we lived together. I took over rent entirely, and made her responsible for the rest. Shockingly, she started buying less junk food, became more conscious about power and water use, and orders more frugally at restaurants
