“But…the friend is a guy” “Did I stutter?”
Same plan.
Worst case? you figure out you aren’t bi
It’s not about pleasure, it’s about power.
The date is either going very poorly, or very well.
Or just have a nice time?
Gonna be hard to simply have a nice time when you get blindsided with a change of plans after you were probably very much looking forward to the date you thought was agreed to.
Then don’t have a nice time. Go home. Say what you want or leave it. There is no reason to be mean.
Ok so you’re not gonna get laid boohoo, go watch the movie or eat the dinner or whatever it is you planned on doing anyway? Just relax and have the fun you were planning on anyway
Yeah I would probably just leave.
Finally a normal response
People on Lemmy are a little intense sometimes. I’ve almost left a few times to go back to reddit but you get used to it or at least I did I guess?
Aah I’d just hit 🔇 if it bothered me. I mute liberally but thanks 🥰
A date is not just two people hanging out. It’s two people meeting to see if they have mutual compatibility. It’s too people meeting to see if they have romantic chemistry.
People need companionship. And people have a right to seek out romantic partners. When you agree to go on a date, you are implicitly saying, “I realize I am under no obligation to sleep or form a relationship with this person. But I agree to at least give them a chance as a romantic partner.”
If you go into a date, or at least a meeting that you describe as date, and you’re not actually willing to give the other person a chance? You’re violating their romantic consent. You’re violating their right to consent to participate in romantic situations.
If you go into a date, or at least a meeting that you describe as date, and you’re not actually willing to give the other person a chance?
That’s a leap. Why wouldn’t I be able to sus out if I’m compatible with someone while their friend is present?
Have you ever even been on a date? If you’re that inexperienced romantically, you really shouldn’t be opining on these issues.
Movies (besides Heat) are not better than getting laid.
only if we’re going dutch
Or French
Usually that’s a third date conversation
Why bring the third on the first date then?
I had this happen a lifetime ago back when I was a teen still. I think it’s not that unusual to have this happen when you are young and new to dating. I wasn’t totally sure it was an official date and neither were they, so they brought a friend along. We all had a fun time hanging out!
I think this reads as something someone new to the dating world would do. I think it felt natural because the nature of if it was even a date wasn’t something concrete. If we both were showing up with stronger romantic intentions it might have felt unnatural, but we were acquaintances already and this was more of a vibe check at the time.
While neither of us were interested in pursuing things romantically, we did remain friends. Not that intentional romantic pursuit was even on the mind really.
And that’s the healthy response I’m advocating for!
I think some of the other responses represent what I dislike so much about the vacuum of online discourse though. I feel there is often a lot more to any story than the details that just make it to a comment thread.
Why would you do that?? Unthinkable.
I know right, how could you possibly enjoy a date that isn’t going exactly as you meticulously planned out?? Out of the question, they violated social rule #67 section 4.20 we’re in the clear to just be an ass for the rest of the night…
Thank god I’m not dating anymore…
Do you not think that bringing a third person to a romantic dinner date is a little rude/awkward/disappointing?
Girl just wants a fun night out, guy is questioning if he wildly misread her signals, and if he is being tricked into paying for some women who just led him on for a free dinner.
There is of course the safety perspective, which makes a lot of sense, but if you bring your friend to a date to feel more safe they should at least not join the immediate table and conversation.
I don’t care what is considered rude/awkward/disappointing by strangers which presumably a tinder date is. I mean what even is the harm to the guy here? Just ask what’s going on and tell her why this has you on edge if it does?
And none of that is an excuse to be rude to someone, to hit on her friend to get back at her, that’s just incredibly petty. And way more rude than just having with dinner or whatever with two people instead of one.
“yeah she did this thing that wasn’t what I expected so now I’m gonna go out of my way to be rude to her” that’s not a proportionate response. Are you unsure whether you misread signals? Just ask. Do they maybe wanna get you to pay for both, just ask?!
Why is the guys POV the focus here and not the girls who are being bullied??
Why is the guys POV the focus here and not the girls who are being bullied??
Shit like this got Trump elected.
The women aren’t being bullied in this post. You need to see a therapist.
🤣❓❓ what’s any of this got to do with trump??
Also yeah I’m mentally ill and therefore my opinions do not matter and I should shut up, nice ableism. Guess who told me not play by societies rules so much btw? My therapist 🤣🤣🤣
Lmao also any doubt I had whether my profile was being read femme went out the window with this comment 🤣
what’s any of this got to do with trump??
Oh I wonder, maybe the constant infantilization/victimization of literally any and everyone that isn’t a white male? Or have you just been living under a rock?
Your therapist sounds like they’re giving you bad advice, or you’re misinterpreting it.
As someone who is also in therapy, your practitioner does not seem to be worth the money, pardon my saying.
As for how you “read”, which i assume means what gender you appear to be on the internet, i have no idea. I mostly get unhinged vibes from you.
That shows a bit of lack of empathy. One should be considerate towards strangers as well.
While I agree with you and the tinder date could just go with the flow and enjoy this as not a date but a fun evening, surely you can understand how the person would feel if they expected a date but got something else?
I mean yes, there could have been a misunderstanding which ‘Oh I thought this was a date?’ would clear up. But if their agreement was a date, that is usually between two people and bringing with a third party is not something you do.
I’m not defending the petty response to this btw. It is very unnecessary and they could just go home, but this doesn’t remove possible disappointment.
surely you can understand how the person would feel if they expected a date but got something else?
I can tell you exactly what I would do if I went on a date with a girl and she brought a friend. I would introduce myself to both and be happy I got to meet two people to potentially befriend and not just one. Because that’s what first dates are often for, you befriend someone and see if you want to spend more time together.
But if their agreement was a date, that is usually between two people and bringing with a third party is not something you do.
I don’t care what people are “supposed” to do. I’m almost allergic to people telling me “that’s not what you do”. I’m me, she is she and if that guy wants to date her he should date her and not some abstract societal expectation.
I’m not defending the petty response to this btw. It is very unnecessary and they could just go home, but this doesn’t remove possible disappointment.
Ok so you had a bad first date, call big whoop magazine and see if it gets published…
I don’t care what people are “supposed” to do. I’m almost allergic to people telling me “that’s not what you do”.
This is a good working definition of a sociopath.
I don’t care what you would do. Good for you however you would handle it etc etc.
Because that’s what first dates are often for, you befriend someone and see if you want to spend more time together.
Yes, and a date is different from just meeting someone who could be a friend, you’re meeting someone with the intention of developing a romantic relationship.
I don’t care what people are “supposed” to do. I’m almost allergic to people telling me “that’s not what you do”.
Maybe a language barrier? Let me rephrase it for you: Bringing with a third party is not something people in general do since it’s not part of societal etiquette of dating. And, as we all know, we live in a society and can’t center the reality on ourselves.
I’m me, she is she and if that guy wants to date her he should date her and not some abstract societal expectation.
I don’t understand what you mean. But the person obviously showed up for a date, expecting the one they intended to meet but meeting two people instead. How can you not understand how the person in question might feel about this?
Ok so you had a bad first date, call big whoop magazine and see if it gets published…
You okay there?
I don’t care what is considered rude/awkward/disappointing by strangers which presumably a tinder date is.
Then you should not be dating people. Basic human empathy is a prerequisite to any healthy relationship.
Well I’m not, I’m happily married thank god. Also empathy is exactly what I’m advocating for. I don’t know why the girl decided to bring a friend. Maybe she wanted someone to check the vibes with her first? Maybe she just thought it would be fun and didn’t know that “you aren’t supposed to do that”? And the advice that other guy gives based is to just passive aggressively “teach her a lesson”?? Fuck that.
Well I’m not on board with the passive aggressive stuff.
Again though, the problem is one of romantic consent. It’s no where near as serious as violating sexual consent, but people have a right to consent or not consent to participate in romantic settings. For example, it would be a violation of romantic consent if I told you you were attending a job interview and you show up and it’s actually a date. That would be a rude and creepy thing to do. People have a right to know what kind of romantic situations they are getting into in advance.
She violated his romantic consent by turning a private date into a gathering. And the basic rules of consent apply.
Maybe she wanted someone to check the vibes with her first? Maybe she just thought it would be fun and didn’t know that “you aren’t supposed to do that”?
Imagine someone said, “I know she didn’t want it, but I just thought it would fun to have sex with her without her consent! I certainly had fun! I didn’t know you weren’t supposed to do that teehee! # so random!”
Violation of romantic consent is nowhere as serious as rape. But it is still a violation. It’s not a felony. But it is extremely rude and disrespectful. Violating romantic consent doesn’t make you a criminal, but it does make you a bad person.
, that’s just incredibly petty
imho there’s petty all the way around.
Thank god I’m not dating anymore…
That’s probably for the best.
It’s just intentions. If I went with a friend to go to the beach and they bring me to the bowling alley it’s not exactly what I was wanting to do.
Why are we so obsessed with making sure everybody understands that bringing a friend when you meet an online stranger is wrong? And no one talking about the guys mean spirited attempt at “teaching her a lesson” instead of just… saying what the fuck his problem is?
Because consent matters.
don’t hate the player; hate the game
Hey, if that’s what she has to do to feel safe on a first date, that’s okay with me.
I ain’t paying for the +1’s drinks though.
let turn this threesome into a Ménage à trois…
But I would have to grow a moustache, and have all kind of robes and lotions !
the high cost of an active sexual lifestyle…
Unless the +1 is also on the table.
Might as well shoot your shot.
I had a woman bring a friend to a date. She texted me shortly before-hand that her friend was around, and I was like “…okay, I guess.” Her friend said hello, and then went and sat in another part of the bar.
But the real kicker was when she revealed that she doesn’t even live here. This was in NYC. She lives in Atlanta, Georgia. She just lied on her profile. I’ve had dates with people who were just visiting (fond memories of weekend of debauchery with nice lady from the UK!), but they were up front about it.
Anyway, it was bad all around, but at least the bartender was sympathetic.
Escalate. Call two of your friends.
Or make it a threesome?
Can’t be a surprise.
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I think it is totally fine to bring a friend for safety if they feel uncomfortable, the shady part is really only not telling him before so he knows what to expect, he might bring a friend too just to make it less awkward.
That’s what I was thinking. Maybe they could’ve turned it into a double date or something. Nothing wrong with that, and it would eliminate having the friend feel like an awkward third wheel.
Communication is key in any relationship, so the fact she seemingly sprung a random friend on him out of the blue doesn’t bode well, even if the rest of the date’s on the up and up.
That doesn’t entitle you ro surprise them with an unannounced third party after you agreed to a date. If someone brought up wanting to do something in a group setting first, at least you’re being transparent. But if surprised by it, my first thought isn’t going to be that his person needed to feel safe, it’s that they’re angling for a free dinner for her and her friend.
Yeah this is also a huge problem if you have social anxiety of any form
Exactly. It’s a violation of consent. Specifically a violation of romantic consent. People have a right to refuse to consent to participate in romantic situations just like they do sexual ones. I would call a move like this a violation of romantic consent similar in form to stealthing.
Obviously violations of romantic consent are not even in the same league in terms of seriousness as violations of sexual consent. It’s merely a rude thing to do rather than a deeply traumatizing felony. But it is still an issue of consent. People have a right to decide what type of romantic situations they get involved in, and it’s rude to pull a sudden change on them without their consent.
Sure, but if you bring an extra person, it isn’t a date, it is a gathering.
Only if you bring 2 extra people, then it is a double date.
Who said anything about males?
Why not be upfront about wanting to bring a friend? What if your date brought another person unannounced? Or just keep on hating all men or something I’m sure that’s a better option. Here I’ll make it easy for you.
“I bet she only brought her friend cuz they both wanted a free meal from the poor guy.”
Clearly the stranger she met online couldn’t possibly be another woman, only straight people use online dating!
slow your roll there porky.
there are about a hundred different ways to deal with this.
as a man, I dealt with things like this when I met dates from long distances.
- write a note of who you’re meeting, when and where
- include times you’ll meet and be returning
- tell several friends or family members. give them copies of the note.
- give them written instructions that if they don’t hear from you in x hours/days to contact police
I met my fair share of crazy women in the early 2000s and let my dick lead me into some of the darkest holes I could have disappeared in.
if you feel unsafe, don’t go to a bar. grab a coffee. meet at a library. go somewhere you trust and know the people around you.
if you want to bring a friend, do it. just don’t get so bent out of shape when the other person rejects you. do like they felt the need to do, move the fuck on.
How do any of your bullet points prevent a woman from being raped and murdered? Those only apply if something has already gone terribly wrong. You know what does help? A Buddy system. Someone who can step in if the woman is drugged or incapacitated. A potential witness to a crime as a deterrent. Strength in numbers my dude.
What was discussed here wasn’t just bringing someone along for safety. You can bring someone along and have them sit at another table to keep an eye on you. That’s fine. But when you agree to go on a date with someone, the social expectation is that you are agreeing to meet one-on-one with someone. It’s a chance for potential romantic partners to have a close and intimate one-on-one discussion. This isn’t possible if a third person is present.
It’s perfectly fine to still have someone at the table. But you need to let all parties know in advance.
Romantic consent isn’t as serious a thing as sexual consent, but it still matters. People have a right to romantic consent. It would be wrong to force someone to go on a date against their will. And just like it’s a violation of consent for a guy to remove a condom prior to sex (changing what was agreed to,) it is a violation of romantic consent to completely change the agreed-upon form of the date.
Consent matters. Learn to respect it.
If I were going on a first date with a woman and she wanted to bring a friend for safety that sits at a different table I’d be 100% in support of it. I’d want her to feel safe, because that’s a necessary first step to building any kind of relationship.
and that’s where your line is. don’t make yourself out to be some kind of a white knight though because you’re willing to put out the barest amount of effort.
personally, I wouldn’t care. the difference is you want to be commended for your actions and expect reciprocation where most couldn’t give two fucks. why else would you bring it up anyway?
I think you’re kind of a creep for bringing it up but you do you.
Big yikes. You’re mostly correct, but also not in a lot of ways. Bringing a friend to hang around and not be a part of the date is fine, sure, you don’t have to and probably shouldn’t announce that. Not saying anything and then having the friend just appear to sit at the table? Not okay and you should maybe take a look at yourself if this is your reaction
She violated his consent. Romantic consent is a type of consent just like sexual consent. Obviously violations of romantic consent are not even remotely as serious as violations of sexual consent. It’s something that’s extremely rude, not an act of violence that does lifelong damage. But romantic consent is still something that is not OK to violate.
Examples of violations of romantic consent:
-
You go to what you think is a job interview, but it inexplicably turns into a date.
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You show up for a dinner among friends, except they arranged ahead of time to have everyone but you and another person leave shortly after the start. You agreed to a dinner among friends, they turned it into a date without asking you.
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You agree to the date, show up, and they completely ghost you.
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You go to a date, but instead of participating in the date, they don’t talk to you and are just on their phone the whole time.
People have the right to consent to what kinds of romantic situations they get involved in. If you tell someone you’re intending one type of interaction, and you completely change it without informing them? That is a deep violation of romantic consent. Again, as some people struggle with nuance, this isn’t anywhere near as bad as violations of sexual consent. Violating romantic consent doesn’t mean you’re a violent criminal predator. It does however mean you are an asshole.
What this woman did was the romantic consent violation equivalent of stealthing.
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