Many of us have heard the deprecating characterizations of many countries. Like Putin described the UK as an “insignificant little Island”, and Russia has been characterized as a “mob run gas station” or Trump calling El Salvador, Haiti and African countries as “shithole countries”.
Let’s flip things around for a bit of fun. After a heavy night of drinking with your country’s head of tourism, you have one shot to give your best self-depricating characterization of your country for a new border sign.
I’ll go first:
Welcome to Canada - Enjoy world class sexual assault in sport – Come and play!
We have really good international PR and people think we’re “nice” but most of the governments in charge are conservative. People think we have universal healthcare but it’s actually two tier and up to individual provinces where conservatives are eroding public healthcare away with barely a whimper of protest from the citizens. It’s cold and dark half the year, our currency is weak, and cost of living is insane. Welcome to Canada!
Australia - bitches of the USA
Why limit yourself to just a border sign? Let me write a whole self-deprecating travel booklet!
Welcome to one of the world’s famous places for exile convicts since XVII century!
It’s cold in here? Oh, don’t be silly, just put on some warm clothes! You simply have to, as you’re now trapped here and not even allowed to have too many proper roads to the mainland. Don’t even try to leave this place!
Tired of campism? Don’t worry, there are only two living camps: governor-general’s people and aggressive bears. So you won’t be torn between factions… you’ll just be torn into fractions.
No, of course you’re not allowed to claim any of these abundant natural resources! In fact, you’re considered as one of them. How convenient to keep you here!
Welcome here! You have chosen, or been chosen, to relocate to one of our finest remaining places in the globe. It’s safer here. At least there are no motor-scooter sounds in the night sky…
Welcome to the US: we are a lot friendlier than the actions of our government might lead you to believe.
Some of the best qualities of Italy and Spain added together… and their worst multiplied.
Not quite as bad as the US in almost every metric! Proud second-last place on every ranking of developed countries.
Welcome to Canada - where our talented people get famous elsewhere.
“Explored the world for spices but decided we didn’t like any of them.” is the usual one.
“A nation of Baldricks and Blackadders” might also work.
Need some help guessing where ish.
The UK (or Britain).
As a dutchie, the Netherlands works too
I have no idea what a Baldrick is in this context, but bad food + global imperialism could really only be one place.
I mean, I guess Spanish food is pretty meh, as well. But Latin America more than makes up for it, so nobody complains.
Black Adder is a old sitcom with each season being based in different time periods but the same characters. Baldrick is the main characters servant
Spanish food meh?
I’m sorry, but we must have a dual at dawn as I fight for their cuisine’s honour. Swords, pistols or hockey sticks. Your choice.
I dunno, it seems like it’s mostly meat and olive oil. I guess the gazpacho is good.
Welcome to America: get the fuck out, immigrant scum
All Men are created equal, well not you, or you, or you over there, and definitely not her.
All men are created equal*
^* terms and conditions may apply^
You win.
It’s took me half my life to understand my history. Being Lakota, outside of living in the Dakota’s made it very difficult. I am often considered white and I don’t understand it. I don’t have long hair so that makes me white? But the truth is that my ancestors were the hardest against the immigrant. The Indian Wars of the late 1800s were fought by the grandfathers of my grandparents. That’s only a couple generations. My mother’s grandmother was witness to Wounded Knee.
The lesson learned is that you can not stop people from migration. Our people were the greatest warriors who followed the Bison as they migrated. We had the biggest tribal territory of all the American Indians.
It doesn’t matter if you have an army of the baddest mother fuckers who ever fought… The desperate will to be will always win. Yeah there’s still a lot of people on the Rez that will try to get you to leave but it’s an accepted truth that we’re never going to have our land back to the way it was. We will always have to accept that the white man is a constant presence. Many of us have loved ones and family members that are not native.
But if you go to the Rez, they will almost always welcome you. They will show you the hospitality. The truth is accepting that people are not going to respect boarders when pushed. We should all learn to just accept that and stop trying to fight it. The empires of old made these lines and we don’t have to go along with it.
Let’s instead try to find a way to deal with it, together. So many people. All of us, the people. The words we as Lakota use to describe ourselves is always in it core, a phrase that means The People. The world is big enough for us all. Our world is rich enough to support us all if we resist hate and bigotry.
The ultra rich are the ones trying to exclude. They are the enemies trying to hoard all the resources. The last thing some foreign people looking for salvation want is your destruction. The history of brave people who walked into Indian territory and made peace with the people is amazing.
There’s a story in my family about a Scottish lady who somehow found herself in the tribe during the early 1800s. She was always the Scottish lady but she was so loved that we all know who she is.
This is the way. We just have to open our hearts and minds to accept it.
We are responsible for the most public holidays globally: they’re all independence from us days.
u wot m8
Innit.
Thank you for your service.
Good luck finding us on a world map. We’re famous for two things: an adaptation of a British guy’s books, and constantly trying to convince people that we do not want to fuck sheep while one of our banks goes and makes an ad campaign with a sheep that the internet decides is sexy.
Welcome to New Zealand, just off the coast of best sporting nation in the world
I kneel, this is excellent ragebait.
A sheep named Buck, no less. Careful not to typo it!
I can’t fathom the design meetings and nobody bringing this up.
Incidentally, I moved to Auckland at the beginning of 2026, and I was startled by how many maps I started to see that didn’t include New Zealand. There’s an episode of Bluey where it seems intentional–they’re doing a world map puzzle, and while Australia is there, they leave off the bottom-right puzzle piece that would’ve included NZ.
Hey, don’t sell yourselves short… you’ve got the Haka and Flight of the Concords too
I don’t know if that’s slogany enough for a “welcome to” sign. Also feel free to mention the country.
Also you remind me of a self deprecating joke a guy from Wales and Malta told me some time ago: How do you know a guy is from Malta? He’s shagging a sheep. How do you know the sheep is from Wales? She pushes back while his hands are behind his head.
I wasn’t sure what country until you mentioned the bank. I heard about that all the way over here in Canada :)
A leaf
Closed for repairs until Jan 2028.
A bit optimistic to think the repairs will be done by then, ain’t it?
The scaffolding will never be removed again… like every building in NYC.
God Bless America. …someday.
Welcome to ?: Closed for repairs until Jan 2028.
Almost certainly the US.
Netherlands - capitalist water germans
Canada - Europe without the culture
Québec tries (albeit aggressively) but the rest of Canada tells them to stop with “we don’t do that here”
For some reason this comment made me think of this scene from Canadian Bacon
We’re basically just diet America
