It’s 2026! It’s almost 2027!
What the heck is wrong with a group of people that all love and support each other? It sounds great!
If people didn’t judge it so badly I would have realised that it’s what I want a lot sooner.
EDIT: I haven’t read the comments yet why are there so many… oh… oh no
Should I have prefaced this by saying I mean healthy, non-patriarchal polycules? I thought that would have been obvious. The fact that people defaulted to thinking I meant Mormon style with one dude and a bunch of waifus is kind of what I meant when I said people get the wrong idea about it.
I mean, don’t get me wrong. I’m not mad because struggle sessions over unexpected things are pretty funny. But it’s a little disappointing too, I guess.
I don’t care what you do, but it’s not for me for a lot of reasons.
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Calm down, buddy. Time to get off the internet today.
these comments suck
honestly the fact that “surprised that a lot of people still find polyamory weird” is apparently causing a 180+ comment struggle session actually like legitimately sucks, i thought this community was better
congrats for being reactionary to an overwhelmingly queer group of people, totally isn’t suspect at all!
I haven’t seen anyone say my point… but I’ll preface my post by saying that i don’t think there’s anything wrong with how others live their lives so long as it’s all based on consent.
The “typical” monogamous relationship will become financially intertwined and build a lot of life on the idea that the relationship will remain in place. To many people in such a situation, the idea of adding more people is akin to adding more potential failure points to the foundation of their lives.
Even in a situation where the monogamous partners do not feel jealousy or a patriarchal sense of ownership, there’s still a fear of loss of that sense of security.
I’m not trying to imply that poly lifestyles are immune to this concept, just that MOST mono couples under capitalism end up like this.
So monogamy is primarily a financial arrangement? I think you are right. Sounds like a reaction to material conditions.
It’s a little disingenuous that you don’t “get it”, too.
I get polyamory. But it isn’t for me. I’m fairly sure you can figure monogamy out just the same as I can figure polyamory out comrade. But it’s easier to be coy.
Oh, I get monogamy just fine and have no problems with it. I meant more that I don’t see how people can still judge others for being poly and still believe stereotypes about it
for clarification bc im ND: who are you quoting when you say “get it” in quotation marks?
im really not seeing how OP is being “disingenuous” or “coy” here, or implying you can’t figure polyamory out?
I just hope everyone is having a good time. I wouldn’t mind having more people to help with the kid tbh
I don’t know if this is weird, but I kinda want to join a polycule just so I always have people around to play board games and ttrpgs with. Also maybe for sharing cooking duties because it’s always fun to cook stuff for others or eat what they make.
On a related note, I agree with those who say it’s wrong… To combine Latin and Greek root words like that. “Television” is also guilty of this and similarly should be changed to either teleorasi or longinquivision. That last just rolls off the tongue, doesn’t it?
That is actually the main reason people do it.
Multiamory sounds good, tbh. I vote we go for that over polyphilia (polyrasty?)
PS: TV could have been telescope but nerds got to it first
My TVs brand is Telefunken. We should just call them all that. It’s funky!
That does sound pretty funky. I’m sold.
As a poly person I want to read this thread but probably people who don’t want to listen and learn won’t so whatever.
I guess if anyone has questions about polyamory direct them here I’ve been polyamorous for nearly a decade
I’ve been poly for 27. I don’t remember what it was like to not have multiple partners.
I’m in the same boat. I just walked in and the sheer amount of comments terrifies me. I don’t want to walk through this minefield. Been poly for something like 8 years now so I can field any questions myself.
Hold the fucking phone
Looks like you’ve got some explaining to do “owl.”
I’m more concerned about the “claim territory” part.
They play Risk.
Many such cases
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I’m fine with it but I have been annoyed by really sanctimonious poly people who seem to believe they’re enlightened and free of emotional burdens imposed by society etc and anyone not doing it is an emotionally immature possessive dorks. I’m sure this is just a few among many, I would have to imagine most poly people wouldnt even bring it up unless it was relevant. But I have known people who made it their personality and clearly believed themselves to be superior. I’m just like, not here to judge anyone’s relationship that is age appropriate and generally happy, but this sample bias is admittedly amongst people I know who can be super insufferable in general.
Personally it just ain’t my thing cause i’m not very social. I’m open to it, but even with friends there’s like one that I hang out with and do stuff, anyone else are just people im on friendly terms with and see when I see and catch up. And then theres scheduling…
You have a majority group that often marginalizes the minority group. Are you really surprised the minority group slings it back?
We have to listen to people like you call us super insufferable and say some make polymamory their entire personality as if there aren’t large swathes of the population who have made monogamy their entire identity. Are you really surprised that a group of people you describe as super insufferable would characterize the group you belong to negatively?
Didn’t say a whole swath. I specifically said people who i’ve had personal experience with and even pointed out that I may have a bad sample group of people who are sanctimonious about just about every part of their lives. I don’t really see how poly people are marginalized either, if you could give examples with material consequences i’m happy to hear them out, it is very possible I have a blind spot. But being poly as far as I can tell isnt really an oppressed minority group in and of itself. A lot of poly people are queer and or trans and those are oppressed groups so the overlap can make it seem that way. But aside from from my observations fairly mild social stigma, I don’t really see much marginalization going on.
Would you argue that gay marriage being illegal counts as a real form of opression with material consequences? If so, have you noticed that it’s outright impossible for poly people of any gender to marry more than one of their partners? Honestly, if you’re missing things that are this obvious, i’m not surprised you find discussions with polyam people difficult, but maybe you should not blame it on them.
It is like veganism. It is ethically a better option. No one has figured out how to say it well yet though.
This is exactly the kind of posts they’re talking about.
Not eating corpses is totally the same as being in a relationship with multiple people.
Actually you are closer to it than I am. Veganism is about finding a better way to live and avoid unnecessary harm? Is this not so? Similar, poly is about finding a better way to live and avoiding unnecessary harm.
As monogamy and carnism are part of white supremacy culture this analogy is way better than I have any right to claim
How is being poly reducing unecessary harm? Is it immune to creating new types of harm? If so how and why? How is it at all equivalent to millions of animals dying every day strictly for carnal pleasure?
Monogamy and carnism are part of none white cultures. They arent exclusive to white supremacy.
It’s not a better way to live. It’s just a different way to live. You are allowed to do things that are outside of societal norms without pretending it makes you better than everyone else.
Calling monogamy white supremacy is wild. TIL I’m not brown but a white supremacist for being married to one person.
I feel like feeling a sense of superiority over a neutral distinction is closer to white supremacist mentality than only having one romantic partner but I’m a simple monogo
It’s cultural enforcement in our society is such. I feel that is well supported.
He’s full of shit anyway because the most patriarchal societies were polygamous. Are we seriously entertaining the idea that a society where women could be concubines are somehow freer than what we have now? I guess some random Tang emperor with thousands of concubines is the model of what all polyamorous relationships aspire towards.
Are you seriously equating polyam people with “some random Tang emperor”? What kind of bad faith bullshit is that? And then you make up scenarios in another thread about how this could lead to the CIA doing polywashing to justify imperialism and how that’s a totally real concern we should take seriously. Please go and touch grass, this is disgraceful.
Pretty sure OP’s talking about polyamory not polygamy. Also pretty confident that polyamory and polygamy aren’t synonyms.
That’s getting into territory i think is bad faith. Your historical arguments are sound but I dont sit well with the conclusion
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If people were good at monagmy this wouldn’t be an issue. Most people have trouble with it most of the time. Look at the divorce rates, spousal abuse rates, rates of cheating. If it was socially possible to chose another way many people would do better with this seccond option.
Address the thing I was replying to plz. You are changing your argument.
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I even said in the post that we have not crafted the science of not sounding like assholes when we say it.
As a vegan, I disagree and this is precisely what I was talking about.
And yet just as a carnist disagrees that does not invalidate the math.
Fuck off, dude.
Reasonable. And yet, I am unfortunately making valid points
No you didn’t
Look at what marrage culture did to our parents ans grandparents and tell me the system is good and it works.
What math?
That enforced cultural monogamy needs alienation, causes significant social harm, and is something most peope have to stress over maintaining. It is a system that is not working.
What math?
it is wild seeing people going full reactionary over polyamory in this thread. what the hell.
I mean, we all have a liberal inside us so it isn’t suprising especially if we are as a group reddit proximal so that complicated relationship stuff hits a nerve here often.
good bait comrade
Are we for real doing bait posting on hexbear? And that’s fine with you as a mod? The fuck?
Vietnam flashbacks to the israel flag struggle sesh
whatever this is it’s nothing compared to the zionism exposed during that
never forget
was called a “holocaust emoji”In before someone equates monogamy and Zionism
My partner was promised to me 3000 years ago
Mormons pushing a ballot initiative to legally define marriage as “one manifest destiny, one womanifest destiny”
monogamy in the imperial core does stem from settler-colonialism so it’s unfortunately not all that far of a stretch.
Lol, no. There were native American tribes that practiced monogamy as well as polygamy and polyamory.
I don’t think it is as serious as you are making it out to be. And I don’t think the actual OP (DirtOwl) made the post as bait. You chose to get into a 10 comment chain argument with them (CrawlMarks) prior to me even looking at this thread.
I’m not gonna just wholesale nuke comments & ban people from chat because they managed to get someone to reply to their ridiculous comment(s) on a thread like “Not eating corpses is totally the same as being in a relationship with multiple people.” thinking they were being 110% serious. You can disengage with them at any time, you didn’t even have to reply to them in the first place!!!
Dirt owl is fine, it was a sincere topic and @CrawlMarks@hexbear.net is supposedly sincere. Saying ‘nice bait’ and a rat salute after implies that it’s bait. Therefore I should treat it as such. It is perfectly reasonable to think someone would have this point of view and based on the rest of the conversation they do hold these views. So why muddy the waters?
Sorry if you thought I was muddying the waters.
I don’t think you should be reading any “nice bait” comments as a definitive statement on whether or not someone is being sincere. I, and a non-zero number of users on this site, have definitely said ‘nice bait’ or “:bait
” as a reply to something that was said/posted seriously in the past because we took it as bait.My original comment you are so mad about is no different. I took CrawlMarks’ original comment as bait given the fact that it caused you both to immediately start arguing about whether monogamy is more or less inherently harmful than polyamory in literally less than 2 comments.
“If people were good at monagmy this wouldn’t be an issue. Most people have trouble with it most of the time.” you can’t convince me that when CrawlMarks typed this he didn’t have a smirk on his face because I have a smirk on my face reading it. Maybe he is being sincere, I dunno, but either way it is bait for someone in some way (maybe bait for me to wind up being forced to post a “We’re getting rid of the bait emoji, and here’s why” thread in SelfCrit I guess)
He could also just be a crank. I dont know this person and have seen super wack takes here. Posting bait in someone’s sincere thread isnt appropriate either way and as we have just concluded it seems to be a matter of interpretation whether it is or not. Either way, i tend towards trusting people here. If I wanted to second guess every post I read I would go anywhere else online. I shouldnt be treated like the asshole for taking it as sincere. Are you gonna post a ‘U mad bro?’ next? This is juvenile bullshit that I come here to avoid.
I do belive it but I was also being glib. More freedom vs less freedom, falgsc, etc. etc.
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If this is ragebait, you are a bad person and shouldnt be posting here.
This is not ragebait. Jury is out about my quality as a person. I mean, here are some of the few people I respect enough to try to have a debate nerd session with.
Ive made my personal conclusion
About weather or not people should have the freedom to explore non-patriarchy based lifestyles?
i can tell therapy is working because i don’t feel the need to make shitposts dunking on monogamists for being chronically fucking weird about how many girlfriends i have
did you know you can just date people and they’re also your friends and also sometimes you have sex? it’s really not a big deal if you have the wiring for it. i don’t think everybody does tbf, but i do so here i am ya know. anyway relationship anarchy fucking rocks
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Bizarre that this seems to be controversial topic in leftist spaces, including this one. Cuba’s Family Law would like to have a word with some people.
Some of this might be my fault
it’s not your fault, you just didn’t cater to mononormative fragility lol
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some people really want to own others & take a very reactive view to anyone who personally chooses to opt out of that dynamic.
For us aros, it’s not the poly part that’s confusing, it’s the amory part.
Monos in this thread seething:
Polies in this thread malding:
Aros in this thread enjoying the show:
best comment in this whole thread
Well, duh. Oh course it’s weird, any form of amory is weird. This is a volcel website, we have to be voluntarily celibate to post here. It’s in the rules
Shit it was a trap! We’re all about to be taken to VolCel Jail by the
I’m sure lack of exposure is a huge factor in my opinion here, but I always imagine the friction points of a relationship would become much more difficult with more people involved. There really aren’t relationships where no mistakes are made. If I’m in a monogamous relationship sometimes one of us is overly emotional or a jerk in some way, talking it through and calming down is a necessary process but it’s very difficult. There will be times when it’s just one person at fault, but the distribution there isn’t an even back-and-forth, often one person is having a hard time and making a few consecutive mistakes. The other person’s turn for that might be later. One person has to be understanding and forgiving, and the other person has to have faith in that forgiveness.
Trying to imagine myself in polyamory, if this week I’m taking my turn to be difficult and in an emotional place, but with (example) two partners instead needing to point out my mistakes several times in a row, I think I’d be extremely prone to feeling ganged up on. I’d wonder what’s being said when I’m not in the room. Anytime I question, rationally or not, am I less loved then they are, that would hit my insecurity. Surviving would take more security in myself than I’ve probably ever felt at any point in my life.
The opposite direction would feel like garbage too - I feel agitated with someone, another partner feels the same emotion, we need to restrain and temper our displeasure so they don’t feel isolated and ganged up on. Then there will always be the question “how much are they tempering their true feelings in this conversation?”, another roadblock to building trust.
The key difference is that in monogamy, there’s an understanding that both partners share the isolation of any disagreement. The ten-year relationship I was in gave me a lot of experience with what provides emotional security for me and helps me build trust, and when I try to contemplate polyamory I see so many potential pressure points to impede that feeling of an inseparable bond, that feeling that we really are in this together, from ever fully taking root. For me personally, I don’t think my emotional health could ever be strong enough for me to thrive in that situation.
So yes, it does seem weird from the standpoint that it would require everyone involved to have much stronger mental health than I ever have. I’m sure there’s a really big number of people out there who fit that description, but that doesn’t make it easier for me to understand.
With all of that said, something that’s crossed my mind when thinking about this is that being alone with one partner and strengthening your bond because you’re both absolutely fawning over the person not in the room is a really heartwarming fantasy that I’ll never get to live out.
This significantly describes my position also. Relationships are hard, and while I can see some positive draws to polyamory, the lack-of-trust fears would be amplified in me tenfold.
Monogamy comes with a huge behavioural practicality - voluntary exclusivity is a constant demonstration that your partner is dedicated to making a life with you included, in some form or another. That gives you more reason to invest time and effort into reciprocating. It is an endless show of trust.
More power to anyone who can get by without that huge-ass boon, polyamorous comrades rule, but I couldnae do it.
You formulated my thoughts in a way I couldn’t. I barely know myself. Trying to understand an entirely different world in the form of a person you’re intimate with requires so much work, at least for me. Multiple people at the same time? I feel like that’s beyond my emotional capabilities. I guess everyone has their own understanding of love and intimacy. I’m always thinking of that person I’m intimate with, their presence is always in my mental background. Like, I love my parents, but I don’t think about them 24/7 the way I would a lover. Not sure if this is what other people are like in relationships. Maybe it’s problematic and unhealthy behavior. Maybe I’ve been programmed to think in this manner and it shouldn’t be like this
I guess everyone has their own understanding of love and intimacy.
I think this is probably the difference. What I was writing was hard to articulate, but it was hard because to me it feels almost self-evident. Being honest, I don’t believe the reason that polyamory works for some people is that they and their partners have an emotional strength that I don’t. Those traits that make me too fragile to thrive in polyamory are same ones that have given transparent evidence to partners that the relationship means everything to me, that I am putting a lot of emotional effort into resolving disagreements. That’s how bonds have been formed and strengthened in my experience.
I think it’s more likely that my idea of love is how I dream for it to be for me and their idea of love is how they dream for it be for them. We all just tend to assume that when we’re speaking the same words with someone then those words must have the same semantic meaning, but subtle semantic differences could be the difference between what feels self-evident to me and what feels closed-minded to someone else without either one of us being wrong.
