I’m already 35, and I don’t think I could get anything at this age, especially in an area with almost no third places, almost nonexistent mental health system, etc.
Yes I know, friends do exist, but it’s just not the same (unless you happen to regularly have sex, cuddle, etc. with your friends).
I was 43 when I met the woman that would become my wife.
I was going on 30 without really having been in a serious relationship ever and had the thoughts you communicate in the title. Started trying to date some girls from the Philippines in my home town and ended up meeting one of their friends’ friends… It all worked out in the end.
Something to think about friend
Age has nothing to do with it.
I guy I know in his 60s (with a beard and big bear belly) who was single for a long time. Then he wrote a kind and very honest profile on a few dating sites about who he is (and isn’t) and what he’s looking for. The response was huge and he met a lot of people. Now 4 years later he’s in a committed long term relationship.
Agreed, dating apps were literally designed for this. Mention you have autism in your profile and it should mostly screen out people who would have a problem with that. If you are a guy keep in mind that you will have to do basically 100% of the first contact messages, and 99% of those messages will lead to nothing
I found someone in my 40s. You just gotta keep searching.
You can find soulmate even in relatively old age.
It sounds like you’re looking for an excuse to give up on romantic relationships, but the choice is either 1) you desire a romantic relationship or 2) you don’t desire a romantic relationship.
Focus on yourself. Focusing on your age, your mental healthcare system, etc is externalizing, whereas focusing on increasing your openness, assertiveness, and socializing are things you can do to work toward finding a partner. Plenty people in difficult circumstances find partners, and 35 is far from too old to date (it’s never too old to date).
Why give up?
I didn’t find the love of my life until I was 45
I would not despair for it, but don’t discard it either
Aro/ace 40 something here, I think giving up isn’t the right sentiment here. I haven’t been in a meaningful relationship since 35ish either and it’s less that I’ve given up and more that I realized my priorities are different. I have a regular rotation of friends that I spend time with, and there’s been a few I’ve entertained the idea of being sexual with, but ultimately, the shine is off sex for me, the novelty isn’t there to push me into the arms of just anyone who offers, I feel like this is relatively normal but I also know that I have a significant ace bent that is a little outside the norm.
Don’t get me wrong, I definitely miss the oxytocin and the sense of security and the sort of weird sense of success you get from finding a companion on that kind of level, but this isn’t just the raw excitement of bringing someone home from the bar when you’re 22, it’s not the same game.
I second a lot of the sentiment that maybe trying dating apps is good. If you don’t have a lot of meeting places then you gotta alter your net, I imagine you are not alone in your current state where you are, and if you want to just spaghetti method the hunt for companionship that’s probably the way to go. You don’t have to have sex with everyone you meet, you get to choose, but you can’t ever know if you’re interested if you don’t put yourself in a position to meet people.
Or, yeah, you find something else to do for a while. I haven’t been with anyone for over half a decade. I’ve had a broad range of experiences with different types of relationships and I just realized that the standard options don’t work for me. Probably some sort of poorly managed neurodivergence on my part but it also doesn’t feel wrong or like I’m giving up. It’s just where I am. I made my own socks. It’s a unique kind of decadence I didn’t know I wanted. Maybe find something like that and work it out of your system then see what you feel like.
I second a lot of the sentiment that maybe trying dating apps is good.
Dating apps are horrible, they’re looks first, and I don’t get attracted to someone on looks alone. After that, they’re designed in a way to extract as much money out of you as possible.
I think it’s pretty clear that you’re just creating a space for you to exercise your own defeatism. You can either change your frame of reference or you can wallow in your own suffering. Up to you. Everything sucks and there’s no way out but all around you are people doing just fine figuring out how to be good in their own little world.
I want you to realize that you are choosing this and maybe filtering it through the lense of romantic relationships is just the easiest way for you to externalize this. I guarantee you can meet the love of your life tomorrow and you’d make all the excuses as to why you deserve punishment instead and how the love of your life is a normie romantic concept anyway eith no real value.
Get a hobby. Not one in front of a screen.
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Don’t give up
Why do you want one? what is the end goal?
Are you expectations based in reality and experience, or are they just fantasy escapism from your current circumstances?
Are they looking for someone to save them from loneliness? If so that’s an instant repellant for any decent person. People who are emotionally controlling and abusive would love it though.
Commute to your nearest local city. Annoying and hard? Yeah, but plenty of people date in their 30s.
If your Nd and the commute is an hour away, you’re already exhausted and in no functioning to attempt to meet. Most ask where you are from and if you’re not local, your ostriched
Issue is, even the nearest local city is absolutely deserted, with nothing in it.
That’s not how cities work.
I see your pain/frustration, but for relationships to work they have to be somewhat optional - there’s no guarantee for romantic relations and once that is established, there’s less frustration, which leaves room for exploring relationships.
That’s not how cities work.
I would hazard a guess that they live in USA… significantly sprawled out (with more issues like zoning and lack of public transport) to the point what you’d consider a “real” city would be a road-trip or even a flight away. Even then I’m not so sure with living costs and corporate spaces, often somewhere you visit rather than live in.
It’s obnoxious, and frankly I’m of the opinion that the internet, social media, and dating app profiles have made people too fickle. With the ability to see and speak to so many people (and the inevitable army of bots now with AI) we’ve gotten to a place where we want the EXACT ideal and skip out on things that could be good otherwise.
What I might say is don’t look, but keep your eyes open. Even if someone you run across in your regular life who seems ideal is unavailable, take it as a sign that these people exist and sometime you may run into them.
Source: late 40s and still curious years after my last relationship
I describe the apps as a buffet table lol
With the ratio of something like 80:20 men to women, they have a huge selection to choose from. Why would they choose that weird pizza (me) that is for some reason at the Chinese buffet when there could be an awesome plate of something else “one swipe away.”
Because I want a greek pizza or a cheeseburger pizza with pickles and not the cheese pizza!
Mmmmm greek pizza
I feel like the older I’ve got the more asexual I feel and also the more I’ve realised that immersing myself in my interests is the thing that makes me happy. So I see other people as a bonus but don’t actively seek them out. This reduces a lot of stress for me, and it means when people do want to hang out they must really want to. Also I don’t think I have more than 1 friend irl any more. Online is a better space for me to find people with matching interests.
Yeah, I’ve been feeling like this and trying to just focus on myself. Still deciding whether I’m just being chameleon to others sexual energy and if they want it, it happens but otherwise asexual.
Prefer fwb, no expectations and no commitment just mutual respect. It makes it all seem less overwhelming as a nd. The option is there with a trusted friend for if like me you get that random but rare impulse to be sexual/cuddly
Yeah this is similar to how I tend to feel to be honest too
I think sometimes us nds focus too much on what is nt, traditional and expected. We have the right to choose which way we are most comfortable and shouldn’t worry what’s been told for years is the ‘right’ way. Try getting therapy from a therapist pretending to support Nd, it’s likely not going to work cos your brain doesn’t function to nt style therapy and there way of being therapised
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Sounds like you hate where you live.
If you have money and aren’t ugly, move. Even if you are ugly, start going to the gym anyway.
Also try this. Pretend you already do have someone and any person you see is just a person. If you do this and stop chasing after them people will naturally gravitate to you. I don’t know what it is but once you have someone people are magnetized to you and you can’t do anything about it(silly how it works).
Also try this. Pretend you already do have someone and any person you see is just a person. If you do this and stop chasing after them people will naturally gravitate to you. I don’t know what it is but once you have someone people are magnetized to you and you can’t do anything about it(silly how it works).
Should I also pretend I’m a lot richer than I am, just in case someone wants to marry a rich guy? Should I also pretend I had a lot more dating experience, so people won’t have the chance to read it as a red flag?
By your logic no one should ever gain any new experiences
