The party was basically just my friends. I could see her bored at the party, checking her ig to see if someone send her a message, I didn’t knew what to do to make her felt better, some of her friends confirmed the same day and then were like oops fall sleep. All my friends were messaging me the next day about how a blast and good party it was while my wife was crying at my side.
I don’t understand why this happens, she’s really cool and funny and it’s great to talk to her. But for some reasons, she cannot make friends even when she tries to do it.
That sucks. I’d reckon to say the issue isn’t with your wife, but rather her friends.
RSVP’ing ‘yes’ and then not showing up seems to be quite prevalent now of days. I probably sound slightly boomerish but I really don’t remember shit like this happening 20 years ago but I’m also pretty oblivious to stuff too so. In the last few years I have had whole brthday parties worth of children not show up, after their folks rsvp’d yes. For both my daughter AND my son. I have invited folks over for thanksgiving dinners and been flaked on after they said yes. Same w Xmas, informal get togethers, concert events, movies, etc.
I have had whole brthday parties worth of children not show up, after their folks rsvp’d yes
I wouldn’t say I’m glad I’m not the only one but certainly relieved. I remember having so many of my school friends at my birthday parties and my kids just can’t catch a break. We’ve taken to asking a few of their close friends if they want to do an excursion. Apparently us buying tickets makes the parents remember better? And even then we almost had a family flake on us last minute this year.
Why is everyone so flaky now, and when did it start?
I feel like it’s only been like this since Covid. Like, good, fine. Stay home, that’s not a bad thing. As an agoraphobe I really have no condemnation for people choosing to not do social stuff or even for trying to make an appointment but running out of social battery the day of.
But why the fuck would you RSVP yes? Communicate with people! Tell them you have to bail before the time you’re supposed to be there.
I would RSVP same day and not show up in my late teens when I was deliriously mentally ill and at my most dysfunctional and unreliable. It’s wild to me how many functional adults do it.
Problem I frequently have in my own personal life is scheduling twice as much stuff as I have time for in my downtime thinking I’ll cruise through it no problem. Next thing I know it’s the end of the night and I’m nowhere near done with my chores/tasks/errands/etc
Maybe people schedule their social lives like that and when they realize they can’t fit you in it’s feelings of shame and guilt while time marches on in a different direction, idk
I’m really sorry to hear that. I am sorry to say that based on the title i thought this was going to be a pun based joke.
If it’s any consolation a similar thing happened with my wife’s friends. I don’t really have hard evidence but i think they resented her for settling down while they continue the party life… which is fair enough but doesn’t help my wife feel any better
I noticed that sounds like a pun, but couldn’t find a best word for that.
All her friends are childrenless millennials like us. And is actually us the ones that still party and rave a couple times a month. We know that they don’t like that so we just go alone or with our party group of friends.
Interesting to hear it goes the other way as well. We hadn’t had any children when it started happening to her but once one was born it was like she didn’t exist. I’m lucky to not have experienced that first hand but people can be so heartless. At least say something about why you don’t want to hang out anymore
That’s actually heartbreaking, I’m sorry.
Those are some real shitty friends that’s for sure
Speaking as someone who is also cursed. Is it possible she has Autism? I know I have gone through similar issues and feeling like I can’t make friends no matter what.
I’d sooner point my finger at the culture than a personal failing. Being hard to love, feeling like coordination is difficult, or that people’s feelings are hard to access is a bit ridiculous outside of very knowable and active habits from my point of view. Someone who has to think very hard about the nature of relationships before enjoying your presence is LARPing about being nice.
It’s probably downstream of alienation and being squeezed for all you’re worth in time and money. You have no community and you have only a few drops of money and attention, so now you have a checklist of what makes a time spent with others worthwhile, so you filter all the spontenaity and ability to meet people as they are out of your life. Then your partner is a commodity and you’re isolated in a 50 year mortgage with them as you spam Netflix prestige series.
It’s probably not because you use the word “therefore” or something
if her friends confirmed they would show then no-called no-showed they aren’t her friends imo, especially if they have a pattern of doing this and it’s not a one-off mistake
I feel for your wife, this is so heartbreaking. I had almost none of my friends text me on my birthday this year (a round one at that), and even the friends I talk to regularly didn’t congratulate me, some even kept texting me with benign everyday stuff while I was sitting here and trying to enjoy a day when nobody except my partner was there for me, while my friends kept asking for help, attention or just vented their frustrations about something to me. It hurts to be let down like this, and I want your wife to know she is not alone, as sad as it is. Give her a big hug, okay?
I don’t think much else has bummed me out as bad as when my partner has no close friends nearby, and when she tries to make new friends they kinda brush her off or put up weird walls. I wish I had advice but I really don’t know what a solution is.
I’m sorry to hear this. I too was expecting a halloween pun but now I’m sad.
I find the people who seem the easiest to make friends with are usually terminal people pleasers who will be nice and agree to anything with zero follow through.
My friends will (often) straight up reject plans because they “can’t” or because “eepy” but if they say they’re gonna come, they gonna come. Worst case someone forgets and we have to call them on the phone.
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I hate when people act like that. Especially RSVP’ING to a party and then not showing up, it’s complete bs. Tell your wife she’s too cool for her friends, especially if they act like this.
This doesn’t solve anything or make her feel better, but I feel like this is happening across the board, at a greater scale than ever before. Social media, narratives about “people are so toxic, I just want to stay home” and overwhelming shocks of uncertainty with each passing day from the news of the world (plus probably a million other things) are all making the interpersonal interactions of the past more fraught and fragile. All that to say that she’s not alone/it’s most likely not her, but the larger overall trend. The problem, of course, is that the effects are never going to be evenly distributed or occurring all at the same time, so you get painful experiences like the one you describe.
I have no idea what the solution is. I suspect though, that it’s probably similar to dating. The harder you try, the worst it seems to go, and when you accept that you have less control than you’d like and just let it be, that seems to be when all of the sudden it happens. Problem is you can’t necessarily just do that as a strategy—you have to get to it through trying stuff, becoming more aware and then actually accepting it which I suspect is the vibe you then give off that makes people more interested. Probably doesn’t translate as well directly to friends, and in any case still requires you to be out in the world, interacting with people; it’s just that you need to let yourself off the hook, don’t expect too much from anyone, and focus on just being more comfortable as you are.
I don’t have much going on with direct friends, but I also haven’t been getting out enough or maintaining relationships, so while it bums me out sometimes, I accept that mostly it’s related to my mood and effort, as opposed to me being unlikable or something. Haven’t figured out how to correct it, don’t know if I will; seems harder as you age to develop new, deep friendships.
Social media encourages us to see the worst in others, and assume the worst about those we know in real life. It also encourages as much doomscrolling as possible, you must keep scrolling. So people don’t want to go out into the scary dangerous world and want to stay home and continue scrolling. They need to continue scrolling.
Yeah it really seems like a corrosive element for the fabric of society, crazy how something so seemingly banal can be so dangerous.
It’s an extension of the 24 hour news cycle, people who are panicked and scared are easier to control, not in some nebulous illuminati sense, but they’re more likely to “stay tuned” to the people giving them information about the “danger” and they’re more impulsive (which makes them easier to sell things to).
Came across this elsewhere but relevant: https://lemmy.bestiver.se/post/1395094
Sounds like your wife dodged a magazine worth of bullets in one night… Bunch of pricks!
Seriously, no excuse for that. She’s not responsible or to blame for other people being pieces of unreliable shit. I know it’s normal to blame oneself, but remind her of that: ask her if she would do that to anyone (she wouldn’t), and then ask her why she doesn’t apply those same standards to her “friends”.
At some point maybe she will realize she has made close friends; you and your close friends have adopted her as one of you all.
The party shows that for sure.
That is what I would say: she is not a ship without a sail and rudder. She and you are cabin-mates together sharing what you have now; loving what you have now.
Congratulations on the great party and the chance for these people to show your partner that friends have been there the whole time.
that sucks. i personally have a lot of judgement for people who flake repeatedly.
