I just dont see a point anymore, I applied to every IT role under the sun and nothing, IT was jut step down cause I grew up and realized, I had better chances of winning the lottery than getting a game Dev job, or hevk really any cs gig that did anything cool. I tried to make the best of that decision, now I’m realizing there is a very high likelyhood I just work at Walmart forever, and I’m like fuck that. My firnefs tell me thats okay everyone hates their job I need to grow the fuck up. Like dude what the actual fuck. Your telling me I’m gonna spend 40 hours week of my life, not be able to afford anything nice or even have time. And die alone at 70 fuck that. The second my parents die, I’m the literal second I get the call, buying a gun, and driving out in the middle of no where, eating my favorite food I bought on credit card and pulling the trigger. There ain’t nothing to live for, I’m autistic anti social, fuck this shit. I didn’t habe fun, the past 24 years have been shit. No one cares about me, fuck it. I’m done. I cried for the past 6 hours the only thought of joy I fucking had was blowing my brains out. To not have to do this fucking shit anymore. I fucking hating it. I hate myself too.
It’s rough out there.
Can I offer some insight? You probably don’t want a game dev job. You probably want to develop games. They’re… Wildly different day-to-days.
I felt the “if my parents go I have nothing left” all through my adolescence.
Maybe you’re looking advice. Maybe not. If you are, I’d say just develop games. Get lost in it in your free time. Not as a resume builder. Because it makes you not miserable.
In the mean time, keep looking for any cs gig. Good entry point advice: state tech support. Most states are almost always hiring IT at some level. The DMV, the school district, the library, the local police dept (acab, it’s a job), local hospital, courthouses, post offices, etc. sometimes the repeat fail on getting interviews is because you’re applying the same way (indeed, LinkedIn). Find jobs offered directly on websites. Etc.
I know when I was at my depths, I’d have hated and disagreed with this part, but if you’re stuck in your head hating yourself and feeling depressed… Go for a walk. An hour or two a day. Exercise is more reliable for treating depression than any antidepressant on the market. I know people reading this are saying “it won’t help” because I was reading it and saying it too.
I’ll ramble. I used an app to track my mood for years. I live in a wintery state. I used to force myself to hike a small hill in my area every day in April. If I go back and look at my mood log over the last 8 years, every April I actually tried has by far the biggest concentration of smiley faces and lowest concentration of frowny faces. Exercise isn’t a physical challenge. It’s a logistical challenge. It’s about getting off your ass and completing a goal, getting your heart rate elevated, and hydrating. It forces you to meditate while you breathe during your exercise, you can’t ruminate and spiral. You can only breathe.
Idk sorry, got a bit rambly. Good luck out there. Download Godot and code up a simple game. Share it with your friends, Lemmy, idk. Make it available to download from a website you host for a few bucks a year. Keep adding games. Throw them up on steam. You got this.