So, my friend Steve insists that he is fine but always seems angry/talks in an annoyed or frustrated tone and it makes me sad. He doesn’t seem to care about anything and he says he cares about me but he’s so dry, usually depressed, and doesn’t wanna talk about it, insisting he’s fine and doesn’t talk to me at ALL. It’s really draining but I feel like a bad person. I wanna be there for him but I just feel like I’m bothering Steve.
I used to be like Steve. It took a lot of years until I looked back and realized my mindset probably made a lot of people feel like you do now. Didn’t start treatments or therapy until years into college. You can’t rush someone’s journey to improve, it goes at their pace. They’ll appreciate it if you take the time for yourself that you need, and welcome them into anywhere that you reasonably can. Even if they refuse every offer or sentiment, they’ll still know you were there for them, and it will matter.
This is very good advice. I had my “Steve” time as well, and it lasted for pretty much a decade before I got myself into just enough trouble that I was semi forced into seeking help. The help did help, but the biggest help was just getting me to stop denying the world and going day by day and to start looking at the bigger picture. I admitted to myself that I was dealing with a combination of inherited mental health issues but also that I was using a bad thing in my past as an excuse to feed the mental health issues. I kept the issues at the forefront of my identity and didnt let myself heal. Once I was able to say that I was doing that, I was able to put it behind me. It doesnt magically go away, but it enabled me to grow other aspects of myself as well.
You can only help someone that is willing to change or accept help. It sounds like he might not be there. That doesn’t mean stop being a friend, but you need to make sure you’re not negatively affecting your mental health by putting too much into someone that isn’t ready. Be there but don’t jeopardize yourself.
If you thought Steve was hungry, but he said he wasn’t, would you force food into his mouth?
You can only help someone who is willing to be helped. And you can’t let helping someone else bring you down.
Imagine one of your other friends wrote your post instead of you. What advice would you give them?
Here’s the line. It’s draining. He says he cares.
It looks something like
“I know you’re saying you’re fine, and that may be. But to me it seems like you’re angry, and it’s draining. I’m asking you to find an outlet to open up, because while I love spending time with you, I don’t love spending time with you when youre like this. I am here for you, but I can’t be here for this.”
Or something
I am here for you, but I can’t be here for this
I love this. Very well said
Try an indirect approach. Get him out doing stuff and have fun. See if his attitude changes over time. Sometimes there is nothing subconsciously wrong with a person, they are just grumpy/miserable.
How have you tried to talk about it?
A casual “Hey, man…you okay lately?” may not work. As men, we’re conditioned all our lives to ignore things and keep going. He may not want to impose on you, might feel that you’re asking casually or out of a feeling of obligation, etc etc etc
Have you sat him down and actually explained to him honestly that you’re worried about him and that you care about his wellbeing?
If you’ve been open and honest about your worries and he’s still closed off, Steve probably needs professional help, but pro help only helps people who want to be helped. You can offer the horse water, but that’s all you can do. Steve has to make the decision to work on getting better himself.
Thank you. I have asked, and he just keeps saying hes fine in a grumpy tone. I just want my old friend back, but sadly he probably was depressed for a long time and I’m just seeing it more
Friend of mine was like that. He started be grumpier and angry—even mean—to his partner. Another friend who was on anti-depressants pointed out his behavior and talked about the medication he was on.
That convinced the “grumpy” one to talk to his doctor. He got on anti-depressants and it evened him right out.
Maybe, you’re not the right person he needs to hear it from? Talk to his other friends and family if you can especially if any of them have dealt with similar issues.
