Sorry in advance, I’m pretty exhausted emotionally and I’m not sure what I’m doing. Just needed to spill some thoughts somewhere.

I’m finally having my orchie next week and even though I’m a bit anxious, that’s more about the recovery aspect. I’m so happy to have something out of my body that’s caused me so much turmoil since 2004. It’s hard to be excited after all of the insanity to get me to this point though.

It seems like nothing was able to go right for me. I knew in 2004 I “wanted to be a girl.” I knew in 2011 I was trans when I first came out to my parents. They stonewalled access to HRT. In 2012 I moved across the country to transition in private. Dad disowned me, mom and I spoke but you could tell there was tension. My brother was fairly absent, as he is. I wound up struggling by being alone in a new city so far away, so I detransitioned and moved home.

Shortly afterwards I reconnected with a friend from school, we dated and got married. I became a stepparent to her son. Life was happy, but, it wasn’t quite the life I wanted. I didn’t like being husband and father. I hated the skills I was learning to be “man of the house.” I hated the expectation of being the stern parental figure. I hated feeling like my sole purpose was to provide stability and just be invisible otherwise. I drank beer or rum and smoked weed every single night. Some nights I added in sleep meds to help me rest and drown out the noise in my head.

She knew my history. She knew I transitioned before. She had told me over and over and over in our marriage that she was supportive and didn’t mind. When I realized I was trans and needed to transition again, she said “I knew this day would come. I’m your #1 biggest fan and you have my full support.” I thought I finally, FINALLY was getting the life I dreamed of. My best friend from childhood as my life partner, her beautiful son, the body and role I needed in life, and importantly, support for who I was.

She asked me for a divorce last year. She stopped letting me see her son. She’s moved on and is seeing someone else. I couldn’t keep hiding from my father, so I told him I was transitioning again. He took me out of his will and is planning on leaving the state when my grandmother dies, saying “he has nothing to stay for” after that. Said grandmother also stopped speaking to me. When a friend rescheduled plans on me and I dared to vent about the losses in the same conversation, they came back with “manipulating them will only push them away.” I explained that I wasn’t manipulating them, but they were welcome to add onto everything too if they’d like.

He stopped speaking to me. I left the group chat because I couldn’t be around that nonsense. No one has checked on me in a month. I just up and left and no one cared. I imagine a story was told to make me look like a bad person again. I don’t think I care anymore either.

I’m finally having my orchie next week, and I’m so happy, but it’s so hard to feel excited when I understand it’s cost me my wife, son, father, grandmother, and so many other things I haven’t touched on. It’s a win that doesn’t feel like it compensates for the atrocious amount of bullshit the last 13 months has given me. I know, it’s a marathon, but come on. I don’t get parents who care? I don’t get a spouse? A family? Nothing? Literally, my goal post surgery is to save money and move to the city and have a clean slate. My goal is LITERALLY start fresh with nothing, for the second time in my life.

What a joke.