Hello all
My (27m) ex (29f) broke up we with me out of the blue saying she doesn’t love me how I love her. That I deserve someone who does. Never felt forced doing anything but cannot pinpoint when feeling left.
Had been together 8 months. Went on a vacation at 5 months that was incredible. Had come off a date on Wednesday that she said she loved before she got an Uber home. We were planning the next.
She had come over with the intention to stay and calm down/do homework then had a panic attack until confessing her feeling.
She was crying more than I was. Said she was following the feeling. Agreed you have to do that. But she was adamant it wasn’t a specific thing and nothing could change.
Her last relationship was incredibly abusive. I am pretty much the opposite. People think I’m gay. She was the first person I had ever felt drawn towards romantically. First ever asked out instead of falling into the relationship. First ever explore sexuality with where it didn’t feel forced.
I had always tried best to communicate any and all feeling. Or issues. She said I was an incredible human being and deserves someone who loved me the same way. But she wasn’t in love with me despite loving me. I Didn’t do anything. Nothing specific. She just knew I wasn’t it.
Talking every day to cold turkey. Communicating every step of the way to make sure each of us weren’t being clingy. we both werent that way but it felt natural to be it.
The only thing she managed to muster was ’ I don’t want to smoke weed and eat candy '. (Additional context: she did dabs I smoked bong hits. Prior and during. upbringing has told her it is bad. It makes her stop and feel. )
The expectations and goals she has for herself made any childish escapism feel like a waste of time. But at the same time she always felt like she was at the point of a panic attack. Like she needed to slow down and relax and take a breath. Incredibly busy. Depressive. Anxious. PTSD recovering. She always goes goes goes.
Incompatible.
Curious if anyone has had a similar experience. It feels like being robbed. I know better than to reach out first. She still has things to pick up. Its just so shocking. Her cars still in the driveway.
I know it’s impossible to understand the nuances of a relationship from biased perspective, but I am wanting to hear others experiences.
Hopefully it’ll ground me from this very odd shattering im having now. Can’t help but feel I got constanzaed. “It’s not you it’s me.”
Appreciate you all and your advice.
Give her space maybe she will come back maybe she won’t. If you can, because it is hard to stay with someone who doesn’t have the same feeling as you, stay with her as a friend.
Hearing your side of the story it feels like she has to undertake serious work on herself to get out of her abusive ex and start being normal. And a good relationship feels too good to be true.
Self sabotage, PTSD will be common for a few years and she might spiral out without significant trigger forever.
She’s really great. If it has to be that way, so be it. Just want her to excel.
You saying self sabotage reminded me of the book club book she picked for us next month.
“The mountain is you”
She never let herself enjoy books they were always self help. But it makes sense.
I appreciate your response.
Her choice of book does indicate she wishes to get a feeling of self worth. Be with her maybe it will motivate her seeing that she has someone on whom she can rely on to be with her even when going does go bad.
Ended up taking a break. She said she needed time.
Left door open for her.
She thought she’d be somewhere else by now. Struggles with self love and said out loud she needs to reevaluate.
Hard but what is best for her now. Can’t force anything.