::: Cw suicide
I’ve known since I was 14 I was trans, ended up just having to suffer till I was 20, finally started estrogen, but ever since than it’s just be disgust and disappointment, I realize my body is just gross and repulsive regardless, like my genetics are just cursed. On top of that I have to same usual dead end job, I’m consider the goofy, unattractive person in every single group. I hate it. Outside of people who feel bad for me everyone avoids me cause I’m socially awkward. On top of not even being able to afford my bills I’ve never had an actual relationship. I’m an ugly degenerate loser by every single metric. I think at 23 my best bet is to pull out my credit card, do some research into a common pistol and its uses, walk into an academy, an tell them which gun I want and for common use etc, than go that parking lot I picked outside of town and pull the trigger. I picked it specifically cause it’s empty, no one but first responders will find me. I just feel so horrible but I’ve been in pain so long I honestly feel :::
Idk, 20 year old me wouldn’t have minded not seeing the 23 year old version of myself. I feel like things will just get sadder and worse
At 23 I was miserable but managed to survive. Early 30s I had a job that teenage me would have begged for and thought unattainable.
I’m in my mid 40s now. Starting life over from scratch (don’t own any furniture, dishes, don’t have any friends). I’m depressed as hell nearly everyday and working a dead end job.
But my life of experiences has shown me that shit changes without warning. And plenty of other people didn’t ‘make it’ till they were my age. So I’m still here, hoping that something will finally work out in my favor.
Life is a rollercoaster, don’t assume the bottom of the drop is the whole ride.