Nobody is actually shitty here but some things seem like they are not going to work long term. It is reasonable to have a need for some quiet time and to unwind from work. It is reasonable to need connection and validation of the relationship. It is reasonable to be upset.

He is not being reasonable about how he interacts with you. He is taking your lack of ability to be social at the level he needs as a rejection of him and in turn rejecting you. This is a lashing out response and it is not appropriate or effective. It will either result in the dissolution of the relationship or it will result in longer term toxic behaviours which will then result in the relationship falling apart.

You need to work a little less. That is basically the conclusion you have come to above and that may take time to enact, but it needs to happen. Neither of you will be happy until then. So your action should probably be to reduce just as you have said.

On your partner’s end he needs to build his own supports to take some of the load off you. He has a lot of free time that he could use going to a rock climbing class or something similar. That would give him the social interaction he cannot get from you at the moment. He also needs to work on how he talks to you about needs and his responses. He can’t put his self worth entirely in your hands. It is unsafe for his wellbeing and horribly damaging to your relationship. He needs to internally validate his worth and that is a skill, not a trait, he can learn that.

Some of what you describe above sounds like he doesn’t really understand ASD/ADHD very well and doesn’t get how burnout works. Maybe he could spend some time learning about how to be safe and healthy for himself in a relationship with someone on the spectrum? It is hard to know how he would react to hearing this, but he needs to recognise that a relationship with you is not the same as a relationship with a neurotypical and he needs to take care of himself to be safe in that relationship. It is not worse, but it is different. If he doesn’t learn how to manage his needs then they will continue to be unfulfilled and he will have a bad time.

And honestly, the dog situation is just devastating. If my partner lost their companion animal I would expect up to 6 months of very low function. For you to be working in this condition may suggest you are not able to grieve properly and are working to be away from demands, but it could also be it just doesn’t affect you in the same way it would affect my partner, we are all different. Take care of yourself and grieve as you need to, maybe spend some time talking to him about it if you feel safe doing so.

Oh, and consider planning out movie night or similar things, make it explicit what you need and book it in. Those expectations in advance can help.

So yeah, NTA, but also, nobody is fully shitty here, his behaviour seems less ideal, both of you can do things to make life better, I think this is salvageable.

Burn out is a really hard thing to deal with and it seems like you are all of the way burned out and your boyfriend might be as well. This means that both of you will need to give each other some slack and grace. This means that both of you will need to forgive each other for the last few months. However, you both need to work on making this work again and make a more sustainable. Sustainable means that you work less and he find an outlet to get some of this social needs met by other people besides you. You both also likely need a vacation / break to relax and recharge. This would be best if you did it together doing something that you both like together.

You will also need to make sure you find a system where he can chat when he needs to and you can rest when you need to. This might be that everyday you get an hour of nothing time where you are undisturbed and he gets a hour of talk time. Having a specific time (or codewords) for small talk vs. vegging out will remove the ambiguity around your relaxation. I think this is causing lots of the issues where he is feeling rejected and you are feeling like he another thing to do.

As for the organization that can be difficult. To solve this you will both need to work together to decide where things go. That is really really really hard to when burned out because it will be a lot of effort when you don’t have lots of that. That might be an issue to hold off discussing until you have a sustainable workload. I would talk about how this is bothering you and have both of you think about how to solve this together. Remember this is you both working together to solve this problem together.

I mean, I will repeat my standard relationship advice for people who ask for relationship advice on the internet: what you just wrote? Send that to your partner.

Some additional advice:

The burn out is real. Of course, sometimes you will just need to work hard - but you also need a light at the end of the tunnel. 100% communicate with your boss about this. It is important for your partner to appreciate that you are feeling burnt out, but I think it can also be important for you to realize that they may be getting burnt out of your burnout. Again, communication.

Something you didn’t seem to bring up - it seems like you are your partner’s only social outlet. If this is the case, they really need to leave the house sometimes and develop other relationships. It sounds like part of the problem might be that they want validation from you, and you can’t give it to them since you are exhausted.

Carve out your own space for relaxation. If your partner really can’t contain their excitement about interacting with you, some amount of physical distance can help. This could be as simple as laying down in bed for 15 minutes when you get home, and only spending time with your partner afterwards. Again, communicate with your partner that you would like to not be disturbed during your decompression time so that you will have more energy to be present with them afterwards.

On the organization front - seems like something that can be solved over time. Each time you find yourself unable to find a thing because your partner has squirreled it away somewhere, figure out where it makes sense to store it, comminicate that, and then whip out your labelmaker and make it official.

I think this may be a multi-part issue. For him:

he doesn’t leave the house much, so he has an abundance of social energy and is significantly lacking in getting enough socializing/ connection.

It’s not fair of him to do very little to expend that energy and then expect you to meet his needs, especially at a point where you’re struggling yourself.

He talks to his mom everyday and me.

It’s not at all uncommon for men to depend on the women in their lives for the vast majority of their emotional support. Which isn’t fair to the partner who’s burns themselves out to meet that need, nor is it fair to the man who’s needs aren’t being met.

He desperately needs to get more people into his life. Even if you weren’t working massive hours and essentially supporting the entire household on your own, it’s not fair on you to be be almost the entire focus of his emotional and social support structure.

His idea of organization is hiding things where no one (including him) would think to look for that thing, in a different spot every time, and he leaves shoes/clothes/boxes/etc in the middle of open floors/walkways.

What’s his explanation for this? I can’t imagine hiding things away and leaving other stuff in the middle of the floor is “organized”.

This one really bothers me for reason I can’t see. If you’re willing, you might try posting over in /r/Two chromosomes ; while they can be too quick to tell people to leave their partner, they’re also generally really good at spotting the reasons behind some toxic behaviors.

and I finally blew up on him. […] His response has been [to dismiss me, punish me]. […] He’s threatening to leave me if I don’t stop being moody.

Ah, yes, men: the people who think women are too moody, and never understand that anger is an emotion as well …

Working 60+ hours a week for months on end

I’ve done the 60-70 hour workweeks for months on end thing, and it’s not just the hours spent in work each week. It’s the loss of time to do everything else that needs to be done; even when you’re incredibly efficient about it, the constant plate-spinning takes a toll. And the weeks at work aren’t just individual weeks - they take a cumulative toll that can take a while to recover from, once you’re out from under the gun. It’s not sustainable.

[My work is] putting too much strain on my personal life/ responsibilities.

It’s true that your work schedule is affecting your life and your relationship. Question: what is your partner doing to help you through this time? Is her picking up the slack: vacuuming, doing the laundry, making meals, cleaning up, taking out the garbage? Or is he still expecting you to do all that in addition to your work?

Oh - I’ve just identified one of the things that bothered me about hiding things away/not putting things away [2XC could probably identify more]. This sounds like weaponized incompetence - being intentionally incompetent at a task so that you do it instead.

the way he’s threatening to leave me after a few difficult months has me questioning if he feels the same.

I’d take this week to sit down and give it a serious think. Write down complete list of household chores [and all the subtasks those chores involve], and who does them and how often (and how well): who plans meals, does the shopping, the prep work, the cooking, the cleanup? Who collects the laundry, washes them, moves them to the dryer, puts them away? Who vacuums, cleans the bathrooms, takes out the garbage, picks up around the house? I know the answers to several of those already, but you should sit down and write up a full list of all the mental and physical labor that goes into keeping a household functioning, and who’s doing that work.

Then figure out who’s contributing money to the household, how much and what that money is getting used for. [My suspicion is that you’re paying for the household and a lot of his income gets spent on pizza when no one wants to cook, video games, and whatever his current hobby is.]

I think, in the end, you’re doing the vast majority of the “grown-up” work, and he’s acting like a spoiled teen: staying home, kind of drifting and not contributing much, working but only when he feels like it. Some other things I’m curious about (and I’m not asking, but you should think about) is whether there’s a noticable age gap between the two of you; whether he’s lived on his own before for any decent amount of time without anyone helping to take care of him (which includes fussy roommates, old partners, or his mom stopping by I’ve it twice a week); whether he comes from a culture or family that tends to either baby the males or overindulge the children; and what he’s said about the breakup of any prior relationships he may have had.

Overall, I think he needs to work on himself a bunch, and that you could use a vacation, and that both of you could use some couples therapy. I know therapy gets a bad rap and he’ll likely be resistant, but think of it as a way to potentially resolve at least some of your communications issues. One of the classic examples was a wife that was annoyed that her husband kept using the family credit card, even after he’d agreed with her that they shouldn’t go into debt [excluding emergencies, obvs]. The counselor asked them to define “debt”. Her definition was “owing money to someone”; his definition was “not being able to pay off the balance within a reasonable time”.

I wish you a less stressful week, plenty of time to really think things over, and a beautiful future.

I’m a dummy and know nothing about anything, but it sounds like for your partners sake, maybe you are working too much. I think your feelings are valid and are handling the situation really well, but I think his feelings about your work/life balance are valid too.

If you have the option, maybe hit the brakes on work a bit. If you can’t, or would lose your job, I suppose it is what it is and you guys just need to tough it out for a while. I get a lot of people don’t have the luxury to just stop working as much. The 5 day work trip after what sounds like a few months of relationship tension caused by overworking probably sting. I think I would feel hurt by that.

I also think your partner threating to leave you is a little alarming. It sounds like they need a temperature check on how they feel about the relationship outside of the work issue. It could just be heightened emotions, or there could be something else underlying. Better to talk it out than let it fester.

The above is just my thoughts. Again, I’m just a stranger on the internet without clear context and perspective. I suppose my advice is to reflect on if you need to work as much as you do. If so, maybe your partner need sto reflect on the circumstances in which you are forced to work 60 hour weeks.

It’s a tough spot to be in. Maybe you guys can set a soft target of when to expect a return to normalcy, whatever that may mean for you both.

Best of luck and sorry about your doggy. I hope things work out.