I gave up weed since I was a teenager. I have a very active inner monologue, my therapists have always said that I intellectualise everything, which isn’t a good thing. Weed smoking just makes my inner demons even louder, me more anxious, and the over analysing even more over done. Maybe it’ll be different because it’s been 20 years, and supposedly cannibis breeding has made strains that don’t make you paranoid???

NOPE

Thankfully I didn’t take bong rips like 18 year old me used to. (Do you all even still call them bong rips). Even just a couple of puffs brought back the old self hatred and paranoia.

The only good thing is that middle aged me is better at arguing against my inner demons than teenager me. My life sucks because this system sucks, not because I suck. Some people hate me because they’re materially comfortable descendants of settlers and colonisers who still take the side of empire in 2025. I’m lonely because this system is alienating AF.

I put on positive commie music for two hours and sang along, literally crying for much of it. I feel asleep to Columbo.

tldr: if weed made you paranoid at 18, it might still make you paranoid in your 40s.