It’s weird. On one hand I’m proud to have overcome a lot of my shortcomings on my own to be able to succeed in spite of being clearly autistic with ADHD, but I wish I hadn’t been put in the position of having no other choice, but I know I wouldn’t have done it otherwise.
I see a lot of my neurodivergent peers saying they can’t do one thing or another, and I feel bad because I know that it’s possible with a lot of effort, but then I feel bad because I was never given the option to say I can’t do something - I had to succeed.
But I’m still proud of my success, and deep down I’m glad I was forced to overcome my shortcomings instead of continuing to let them hold me back, but I would never want someone else to be forced like that… It’s a difficult thing to process.
I was pushed so hard that I built a complete “normal human behavior simulator” that saved me from being a nonverbal wreck. What I did is nothing short of amazing, but it’s a product of tremendous abuse and internal struggle that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. How can I encourage someone else to endure as I did, to hope for the miraculous outcome I got? It seems unethical. I’d rather turn and attack the people putting that pressure on them.
A couple days ago I was with my mom and brother and she started talking about how she would check my grades in high school every day to make sure I wasn’t “gaming the system” by only doing enough to get a B in all my AP/honors classes she pushed me toward. As I started to recall all the pressure I was under to succeed for a future I couldn’t comprehend and had no plans of my own for, and the isolation I felt at home because I hadn’t been allowed to get out of the house myself before high school and why would that change, I started dissociating in her kitchen. Then I realized that’s what I would do in high school as well, and recognized the same “human simulator” layered on top of that. Now that I’ve had a decade away from all that to actually figure myself out to some degree I’m realizing I have a whole bunch of repressed stuff from that time that I should probably process. It’s lame.
That’s the thing, sometimes the “failure is not an option” approach really is the best way to tackle things. Ultimately it’s always a case of balancing the cost of the effort against the reward. Pushing yourself through “I can’t do it” is exhausting, but the rewards are typically worth it.
Yeah, I think that’s it; pushing yourself through by your own motivation is good, but being forced through against your will is bad. I was lucky that I internalized the expectations, and felt like I was pushing myself even when my parents were standing by to force me if I ever faltered.
I think that’s sort of where I was too. Failingat something after giving it everything you’d got was ok, but not doing well because you hadn’t given it your all wasn’t even contemplated as a possibility. I internalised that, and it’s stood me in good stead.
I don’t know, the fact that you succeeded on that might just be specific to you, but that somethings works for you doesn’t mean that it will be the same for everyone.
Also, ambiental circumstances and factors are way more important than just the willforce and hard work.
Taking myself as an example: is not only that I’m poor (really, really poor, literally low class from one of the poorest countries of the world, Venezuela), but also that my surroundings are horrible and I can barely get help.
Now, even when I’ve managed to be better and to overcoming some of my one shortcomings, these have been only the low hanging fruits.
But even if I had infinite resources, there are still things that are literally impossible because of their nature. In example, I can’t just lookbat the eyes to everybody (and I add to it that I just feel that like an arbitrary rule, totally unnecesary), I only can with people with whom I’m really hardly confident with, becausr otherwise I’ll start trembling, cold sweating, my head and stomach will ache, I’ll feel hazy, numb and have nausea and fatigue. That’s because of social anxiety, and mine is so intense that I literally have to take meds for it. But even if meds could remove all of these symptoms, it still is uncomfortable for me.
And that’s other problem: most of these “shortcomings” and “bad things” are just stupid and ridiculous social expectations from a neurotypical-centrist society. And I won’t fuck with it, I’ll break these rules whenever I can because they’re incorrect and hazardous.
It’s weird. On one hand I’m proud to have overcome a lot of my shortcomings on my own to be able to succeed in spite of being clearly autistic with ADHD, but I wish I hadn’t been put in the position of having no other choice, but I know I wouldn’t have done it otherwise.
I see a lot of my neurodivergent peers saying they can’t do one thing or another, and I feel bad because I know that it’s possible with a lot of effort, but then I feel bad because I was never given the option to say I can’t do something - I had to succeed.
But I’m still proud of my success, and deep down I’m glad I was forced to overcome my shortcomings instead of continuing to let them hold me back, but I would never want someone else to be forced like that… It’s a difficult thing to process.
I was pushed so hard that I built a complete “normal human behavior simulator” that saved me from being a nonverbal wreck. What I did is nothing short of amazing, but it’s a product of tremendous abuse and internal struggle that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. How can I encourage someone else to endure as I did, to hope for the miraculous outcome I got? It seems unethical. I’d rather turn and attack the people putting that pressure on them.
A couple days ago I was with my mom and brother and she started talking about how she would check my grades in high school every day to make sure I wasn’t “gaming the system” by only doing enough to get a B in all my AP/honors classes she pushed me toward. As I started to recall all the pressure I was under to succeed for a future I couldn’t comprehend and had no plans of my own for, and the isolation I felt at home because I hadn’t been allowed to get out of the house myself before high school and why would that change, I started dissociating in her kitchen. Then I realized that’s what I would do in high school as well, and recognized the same “human simulator” layered on top of that. Now that I’ve had a decade away from all that to actually figure myself out to some degree I’m realizing I have a whole bunch of repressed stuff from that time that I should probably process. It’s lame.
That’s the thing, sometimes the “failure is not an option” approach really is the best way to tackle things. Ultimately it’s always a case of balancing the cost of the effort against the reward. Pushing yourself through “I can’t do it” is exhausting, but the rewards are typically worth it.
Yeah, I think that’s it; pushing yourself through by your own motivation is good, but being forced through against your will is bad. I was lucky that I internalized the expectations, and felt like I was pushing myself even when my parents were standing by to force me if I ever faltered.
I think that’s sort of where I was too. Failingat something after giving it everything you’d got was ok, but not doing well because you hadn’t given it your all wasn’t even contemplated as a possibility. I internalised that, and it’s stood me in good stead.
I don’t know, the fact that you succeeded on that might just be specific to you, but that somethings works for you doesn’t mean that it will be the same for everyone.
Also, ambiental circumstances and factors are way more important than just the willforce and hard work.
Taking myself as an example: is not only that I’m poor (really, really poor, literally low class from one of the poorest countries of the world, Venezuela), but also that my surroundings are horrible and I can barely get help.
Now, even when I’ve managed to be better and to overcoming some of my one shortcomings, these have been only the low hanging fruits.
But even if I had infinite resources, there are still things that are literally impossible because of their nature. In example, I can’t just lookbat the eyes to everybody (and I add to it that I just feel that like an arbitrary rule, totally unnecesary), I only can with people with whom I’m really hardly confident with, becausr otherwise I’ll start trembling, cold sweating, my head and stomach will ache, I’ll feel hazy, numb and have nausea and fatigue. That’s because of social anxiety, and mine is so intense that I literally have to take meds for it. But even if meds could remove all of these symptoms, it still is uncomfortable for me.
And that’s other problem: most of these “shortcomings” and “bad things” are just stupid and ridiculous social expectations from a neurotypical-centrist society. And I won’t fuck with it, I’ll break these rules whenever I can because they’re incorrect and hazardous.