First of all here is a pic one of my cats before getting into things.

Cute cat

Vent P1

So I’ve decided to be more social!! Whoo me! Met someone online (F), lets call her Alice, through a post I had made and we’re going to an art gallery!! Potentially also with some other people too.

In my post I mentioned I was trans and early transition. So the person I “met” with the post knows Im trans. However I was invited to a group chat with others (cool!). I didnt mention I was trans…, also even Alice doesnt know what I look like.

Couldn’t sleep much at all last night because of the prospect of turning up and them just straight up seeing a man :(. I feel so guilty or bad being so anxious about that. I feel transphobic. I feel also I am pre emptively judging their reactions.

Im thinking of sending a message like this:

"Hi, before we meet, just wanna mention im trans. 100% look like a guy lol. Also autistic af. "

It feels so insecure but I am so insecure. I feel like I need to temper people’s expections of me. Now im just hoping they dont see me as some creepy man. I have a lot of instrusive thoughts about being one, like full on visceral interactions in my head when I talk to someone. I hate it so so so much :(

I’ll be booking a quick pyschology app the day before the event, to honestly work out how to manage the anxiety on the day of. Its honestly too much anxiety to handle atm but I dont want to spend my life being semi recluse.

Next little bit mentions self harm (didnt do anything dw)

Vent P2 (CW self harm)

Now ive got a presention coming up at work and I wanna gouge out my fucking eyes (dw a figure of speech ofc).

I had instrusive thoughts all night imagining self harming. I have done it in the past (bit of cutting and punching), its so visceral. Fortuntely I have a big wall put up in my mind to prevent it, namely loving myself (whooo!) But i still dont like it.

My god after work im just gonna fucking chill. Try to pretend the world doesnt exist around me. Sorry about such an intense vent, but then again i did put lots of warnings, and a cute cat at the start aswell!

  • Azura The Spellkissed@lemmy.blahaj.zoneEnglish
    11·
    19 days ago

    You’re a good person. You’re allowed to feel exhausted and take breaks. It’s okay to be a trans woman who doesn’t pass.

    It probably varies by region, but in my experience mostly people shut up and accept it matter-of-factly that I’m a trans woman simply when I tell them my name (at most there’s a confused “can you repeat that?”)

    I found it helps others if you radiate confidence, but of course there’s no secret to it if you cannot (if you can, faking confidence is almost the same as being confident). No “I think I might be…”, no “i’m sorry but actually…” Just “of course I am a woman! Yeah, I’m still working on looking the part, I’m so excited! 😇” The others have either already dealt with trans people before (and are likely chill) or they find themselves in a new situation and are unsure how to handle it politely, in which case setting the stage with politeness, respect and happiness is the way to go.

    If you think about it, there’s not much you need to worry about. Either they are progressive-enough to avoid discriminating you, or they are assholes and you’re best of finding out quickly and avoiding them.

    Thank you for the cat pic~ ❤️ I wouldn’t mind another one. You will do your best and learn along the way, I’m sure you’ll handle the meeting just fine!

    • Minty@aussie.zoneOPEnglish
      7·
      19 days ago

      Thank u a lot for your advice. That really helps ❤️

      Yeah maybe trying to an excited/happy spin on beings trans is the best way, since thats how I actually feel about it.

      Also, ask and you shall receive:


      2 cats this time :3

  • Hugucinogens@lemmy.blahaj.zoneEnglish
    9·
    19 days ago

    For what it’s worth, I think it’s ok to be anxious. Meeting with a bunch of new people at once, is always a vulnerable experience, and the beginning of your transition, is an even more vulnerable one, and those two stack haha

    I know it might feel overwhelming, but, at the very least, give yourself that grace, that yeah, it’s normal to be overwhelmed. It’s ok to roll with it, nothing’s wrong with you being insecure at this stage, you’ll work it out with time ❤️

  • Minty@aussie.zoneOPEnglish
    6·
    19 days ago

    Ok appointment made but after the event as there were no availabilities before then. Rip. Ill figure it out

  • psycholocomotor_no2@lemmy.blahaj.zoneEnglish
    3·
    19 days ago

    That’s not “insanely bad” internalized transphobia. I would say it’s regular internalized transphobia from what I’ve seen.

    example

    I’ve known one transgirl who has hookups with gay men on grindr and calls herself gay, not in like an identification way, from what I could tell, everything indicated that it was in a self-loathing kind of way and also a homophobic way.

    • Minty@aussie.zoneOPEnglish
      2·
      19 days ago

      yeah your right, i just felt bad at the time lol.

      also that example is crazy, i would never use language to actually imply im not a women

  • AshleyNyx@lemmy.blahaj.zoneEnglish
    2·
    19 days ago

    I’m sorry you’re feeling anxious and stressed, a lot of trans people go throught the same thoughts and feelings, I know I did at least. The good news is that it gets way easier over time, and having supportive friends are a huge help with the internalised transphobia and it looks like you’re making a huge step towards that! So definitely be proud of yourself! You’re making a lot of progress towards being in a better place mentally. I hope everything goes well for you