My deadname was probably the femmiest deadname I could've had lol. I very easily could've kept it. But it never felt like me! It was hard to guess how to pronounce so people always mispronounced it. And I never corrected anyone, cause I just didnt care. I like my name now!
Looking at myself in the mirror is wild, I literally never used to be able to especially after a shower or whatever. HRT did a lot of work and bottom surgery took care of the rest.
I didnt feel a lot of dysphoria before cracking my egg, in fact thinking that thats how people know they were trans was holding me back - but I did get a lot of euphoria when I went out in drag or whatever! Looking back, I actually had a shitload of gender dysphoria since puberty more or less. I just didnt know thats what it was... Anyway a lot of that is gone now. Its such a huge relief, I didnt know just how much of a burden it all was until it was finally gone.
My friend/a little more than friend described bottom surgery for her as feeling very light. A different friend of mine said she finally felt complete. I can definitely appreciate both points of view. I did know I wanted a vagina after wrestling with it for a while and I love my completely valid non-op trans femmes, but I knew I wanted it. I didnt really think I had that much bottom dysphoria until it was finally gone and I could look back at it. Its so strange and wonderful to just see a woman in the mirror. A lot of this feels like 7 years ago when I was juuuust starting to transition and dress up and work on my voice, almost the same level of euphoria. Its crazy!
I suspect part of what is making things significantly harder is you still have to deal with misgendering (like incidental by people who dont know you and while youre boymoding etc) and life in the closet. You did start HRT and came out yo a few key people which is dope!
HRT for me was like a low dose antidepressant. I still had the stressors in my life that I had, my ex, school, nursing, etc. I still considerd suicide and had a plan and a time picked out. But it was much easier to deal with while I was on estrogen than it was ever before and part of that, for me, was that I could name my emotions and felt them in a much more fine grained way besides also just the relief of being on HRT. I said it but Ill say it again, it was like the emotional equivalent of wearing glasses for the first time after a lifetime of being nearsighted.
Things are hard for you, and you do seem profoundly depressed being transgender aside. I do hope you continue to attend support group, find some therapy, keep up taking those transition steps. You said you are feeling better (than on T) which is a good sign, things are moving in the right direction even if its still quite difficult and dark.
I always thought the succubus t girl thing was a little overplayed. I like being mlre of a vampire. But after bottom surgery... now I want a womb tattoo lol
Finally, dilating only 3x a day. It takes so much time from set up, to dilate, to wash, to dry - and doing it 4 times a day ends up with me spending most of the day dilating or finishing up dilating. In terms of healing, everything looks good! No fibrin, no hypergranulation, not even any discharge. According to the surgeons post op care timeline, this is when Im supposed to be "exploring my clit and labia" - sorry, gotta flick my bean, surgeons orders lol. It does help sensation come back. Things arent as numb anymore, which is great, a few times while Ive been out Ive had this like weird shocks sensation? Totally normal, it just means nerves are coming back online. People keep saying its "reconnecting" which anatomically doesnt make a lot of sense to me and I think its more just compression from swelling is starting to come down.
::: spoiler sex
Had a great long Valentines!
I get wet, apparently easily lol. First time it happened I thought I was bleeding. Nope! Just wet after tying a girl up and her grinding while we made out. Im not supposed to be using my vagina for sex... so I didnt! Pure topping with toys and hands and oral 😇
I suspect they also don't want people bottoming anally while recovering, which is fine by me.
Being horny that often did, I think, also help bring some sensation back.
I dont think you suck, I think its hard to see a loved one in pain. Cancer is hard to see even as a support person - I work in oncology, I have no judgements on family that dont visit. I get it.
Do you think you could call her or write her a letter? Im sure that would still be appreciated. Its your call if you want to go see her, I know its scary. I saw my step mom a handful of times while she was passing from ALS, it was hard and I dont regret. My siblings (her full kids no step kids) did not go see her for the same reasons you said. I cant say they did the wrong thing - for them their last memories with her are when she was still pretty healthy, happy, talking, fully with it. Mine with her a quieter and sadder but I still hold it close.
Somehow the doctors do stuff like respond to call bells or start IVs meanwhile at my job Im lucky to get an attending or hospitalist at 2 am to respond to a page before morning shift
My friend who got zero depth recovered in like 3 weeks. I have to wait THREE MONTHS before I can have sex, brutal. Zero depth is significantly faster recovery.
As annoying as dilation is, it is temporary. It is a long time committment and a lot of work especially the 4 times a day month but it is temporary. And for electrolysis, at least where I got it they do they hair scraping for you. I got one laser session on my junk ahead of time and I dont think I even needed that. Nothings grown in there at all - even if it does you can get it removed!
But if you dont want to have penetrative sex where youre the one recieving in your neovagina, I can't think of a reason to get full depth tbh. I knew I wanted it, so I got full depth. I used my strap before and I consider myself pretty toppy, but I also wanna fuck with a vagina so lol.
Im also really looking forward to oral. I never hated getting oral but its never once did it for me, usually I let people blow me because they were super into it. Never once came or enjoyed it all that much, so no big loss there.
Watched Tomorrow Never Dies again for the first time since I was a kid ages ago
Michelle Yeoh is hot af
Pierce Brosnan ain't bad either
What if cables/satellite news was evil is a great plot lol, especially in the light of like Facebook and the internet fucking it up not much longer after that
New mega
do yall think sonic is a vegan