They arent bio identical because it wouldnt survive oral ingestion and going through your liver, the ones they put in are designed to be oral. And theyre all quite different in effects, in anti androgenic effects (some are androgenic!), in sleep, in etc. The synthetic progesterone it uses can be quite potent as well, even for a smaller dose.
The estrogen in birth control also has way higher risks of clotting. We switched away from that kind for HRT because of clotting risks.
Sure, but it's not like been 2 weeks or 2 months of being sad and distressed and anxious, yeah? It's been 2 years. I really dont recall you once talking about something cute with your partner, something they did that made you feel loved or cherished, something they did that made you feel safe. I only know what you've posted of course, I suppose, but not once did you talk about doing something nice with them? What you've posted is mostly guilt and anxiety about feeling responsible for your partners reactions - which isnt responsibility. Have you ever heard of Issendai's sick systems? Here's a link and a different link. Hopefully none of that rings true.
I struggle to see what you get out of this besides avoiding the anxiety of being single, which is not a failure state. I had a very long term relationship, we were together for 11 years. The last 2 years were hard, they didnt clean, didnt take care of themself, didnt work, didnt make doctor's appointments or go to the ones I made, asked me to wake them earlier and were very mad when I did, and also did some stuff I wont elaborate on without a content warning. I loved them and I tried to work through it but love isn't enough sometimes. Being single after thay was an adjustment but it wasnt like bad - the relief was nice. For you, your main pain point seems to be your partner isnt attracted to your gender identity and you are a not cis - so the relief of just being yourself is likely to be quite good over the next x years of being in the closet and anxious and distressed all for... well again you never elaborate on what exactly is so worth all this so I cant say what you seem to find worth it besides feeling anxious about the possibility of being single.
You've talked avout your relationship for like a long time now and I gotta be honest, I haven't heard you say a lot that makes it seems like its worth all your heartache and self denial time. You've held yourself in this tension to save a relationship that you dont seem to enjoy very much
1200 kcal is quite dangerously low, Im saying this because it can hurt you. I work in Trauma and we have people in comas, even then they get at an absolute minimum 1500 kcal - and theyre not doing much of anything. They try to aim for around 2000 kcal.
Everything else if it works for you (maybe dont smoke too lol), go for it but consider increasing your limit because you could be missing critical macros, vitamins, and other nutrients. Cheat days, IF, whatever is working for you.
I lost 50 lbs by calorie counting in 2019, it was not easy. It took a little under a year. Marathon, not a sprint, etc. Theres calculators online that can help you figure out a daily calorie goal to lose 1 to 2 lbs a week (they will also be in metric too lol), which is about as fast as you wanna go for the sake of your skin and muscle.
I also did some therapy about why I had been emotionally eating and stress eating as well, which helped. Sounds like you have some stuff to work out over guilt around food. Exercise helps with losing weight a bit but the main thing is cutting intake. If you live alone, just dont buy the food/snacks and only make what you eat and store leftovers quickly - "just" does a lot of work there but its true! Oh, also a kitchen scale was useful!
I quit smoking 12 years ago. I stopped cold turkey, no aids. I still get cravings and the most I backslid was trying Zyn lol. All I did was destroy my packs and didnt buy more - it sucked and was hard, but I started feeling so much better after a week that I kinda dug it. It was also nice saving the money I would've spent on packs aside and seeing how much I saved visually.
I do chew gum but I did before too, I know you dont like it but I sure did!
The treatment for dysphoria is transition, what that means for you is also up to you. Might mean makeup, wearing different clothes, HRT, surgery. Best way to find out what works is experiment
They arent bio identical because it wouldnt survive oral ingestion and going through your liver, the ones they put in are designed to be oral. And theyre all quite different in effects, in anti androgenic effects (some are androgenic!), in sleep, in etc. The synthetic progesterone it uses can be quite potent as well, even for a smaller dose.
The estrogen in birth control also has way higher risks of clotting. We switched away from that kind for HRT because of clotting risks.