Hi all,

Im looking for some input/advice/help. I came out as trans some month ago. Its been on my mind for 15+ years and it feels great to finally have come out.

But I always have an extremely hard time internalizing stuff, and very much so in this case. This worry that “i might not be” keeps eating away at my brain and I dont know where to turn to ask for advice.

Ive tried to get more in touch with my feminine side and I absolutely love it. The initial gender euphoria was crazy. Ordering new clothes and ripping off the old mask of trying to meet the masculine ideals that was expected of me has been so freeing.

However, i havent come out at work or to my family yet. So i do have to put that mask back on almost daily. Some days really suck. Seeing myself in the mirror ranges for masc stubble nightmare to still seeing a version of me that I like (which I have never done before).

But something in my head keeps bugging me. A little goblin inside telling me “what if youre wrong?”, “what if youre actually not trans”, “you dont feel that bad when youre still looking masc”, “youre not that dysphoric”.

The gremlin has always been there in other scenarios but this time is giving me so much issues with my headspace just due to how important this whole journey is to me.

Does anyone have any advice? Is this normal? Is it common for people to deal with fantasy creatures in their head? Should I rethink my life choices?

I have no idea where to turn with this one but atleast tried to book a time with the only therapist/doctor ive met whos been able to properly talk about gender dysphoria. Although im afraid of how much I can/should say because trans care sucks here and I really dont want to be left out of the opportunity of actually getting help.

  • chloektboehnchen@lemmy.blahaj.zoneEnglish
    3·
    9 days ago

    I had the same thoughts after the first wave of euphoria post-egg-crack was over. They stayed with me for a very long time, I think even now they occasionally pop up. When I started HRT I even told myself I would constantly reexamine how I felt with the effects. But after a few weeks on hrt I just knew. For the first time I felt some sort of connection to my own body and from then on it only got better and the “goblins” got quieter and quieter.

    I think it’s healthy to keep questioning to some degree, but the best way to deal with this is probably to just keep exploring. You can always stop if it doesn’t feel right anymore. And sometimes it just takes some time to get used to things, no need to panic if something feels weird at first.

    Also, what I needed to realize was, that gender and gender presentation are a spectrum: You don’t have to be hyper feminine or gender conforming to be Trans. You’re allowed to have “masc” hobbies and interests, you’re allowed to dress masc or femme or neutral or both, you don’t have to like makeup. Only you decide and define what your gender is. For me it was also helpful to explore non-binary gender identities. In the end I still identified as a woman, but I found it helpful to free myself from expectations that come with that label for a while. Finding out what your gender is not, can help narrowing down what it actually is. And your decision doesn’t have to be final.

    So I guess what I want to say is: it’s totally normal to have these thoughts, if you keep questioning yourself and do what feels right you will end up with the right result for you. But don’t let the doubts drive you crazy.