I’ve been trying to get involved in activism in order to stop MAGA from taking the US midterms by force (see Louisiana v. Callais ruling by SCOTUS and then all the southern states redistricting mid-election).

Election-focused activism is canvassing, and interrupting people’s lives by cold-calling people would be soul-crushing work. I could write postcards but my left-handed handwriting scrawl is awful.

Visibility activism is going out into loud crowds. I’m scared of large crowds generally. Large screaming / chanting crowds are overwhelming.

Noncooperation activism involves civil disobedience and the willingness to confront law enforcement (or ICE / CBP) and risk brutality from the same. Also they want young people on the front line, and I’m way old.

All of them would really rather I just give them a lot of money, and I’m low income.

Then there’s the infighting in the Democratic party, since the DNC and DCCC only support center-right establishment candidates, and progressive socialist candidates are the ones that actually inspire the youth to get out and vote, but good luck getting them support by the mainstream party.

And then there’s that daunting feeling that there’s nothing for SCOTUS which suffers no consequences when the conservative Federalist-Society supermajority drops rulings that strip away civil rights or kill public protections or destroy democratic features. Reform takes a long time and requires the left to take power first (and then – since we’re talking establishment Democrats – being willing to pass SCOTUS reforms)

The organizers who’ve hosted meetings so far insist we’ll campaign harder, but we have to win by unquestionable margins or expect challenges to the election results. And the Democrats campaigned harder in the 2024 general and lost to the trillion-dollar far-right propaganda machine that churns out fear and rage and prejudice.

So I’m having a hard time not despairing, and other than writing crabby letters to my representatives (which feels like shouting into the void), I can’t seem to find a role to play in the resistance.

So I’m feeling discouraged AF.

Getting rejected after interviews sucks. I know I don’t interview well because of my autism but damn I didn’t think it would be this hard

Using a lot of energy to manage stress right now. Our move to Germany, which was supposed to happen at the end of June, was suddenly cancelled as the company announced massive layoffs last week. They obviously knew about it when they wrote the new contract. We already had an agreement to a temporary flat and possible tenants coming to see our flat + other arrangements made. Never trust a capitalist. Thank dog some maneuvers were still possible to soften the (possible) fall.

Feeling sad and disappointed and really heavy for losing that opportunity and having to rearrange ourselves and our lives again. I was really happy about a new direction but nah. I’m glad I’ve done a lot of work the last year learning new coping strategies so I manage a lot better with this situation than I would’ve before.

Also some random blasts from the past have struck lately. It feels as if I need to face some people and situations and make peace with them. Another thing that came to an end today is a court case which has bothered me for 4 years - I witnessed a possible battery, and I’ve been called to the court to give a statement about it several times, only to be told the day before that it’s been postponed. Failing to show up would result in fines, so it’s really annoying to have to reserve the day in calendar and then it’s cancelled. I didn’t even have much to say about the whole thing and couldn’t identify anyone… Glad that’s been dealt with finally.

I’m applying to be part of a competitive legal scholarship club next year, so I have a paper to write and a citations exam. It’s optional, so I’m not stressing. It’s just- well, time to get back to doing stuff.