“We will modernize its operations, refocus its content away from woke distractions that syphon morale, and adapt it to serve a new generation of service members,” chief Pentagon spokesman Sean Parnell wrote in a Jan. 15 post on X.

we will begin this innovative and modernization of our news apparatus by randomly using 17th century spellings of extremely common words, to honor the hallowed traditions of an institution that was always intended to be fueled by the blood of half-starved, conscripted illiterates.