On the one hand I somewhat hate my old name and getting referred to as male, but on the other hand I would actually have to correct others to use my preferred name/pronouns.
Edit: Its not that im uncomfortable with she/her or that I have to fear of people having a negative reaction over it, but instead that I simply do not like to correct people so I do not “fulfill” the st ereotype of “the annoying trans person that constantly annoys you about pronouns”. Is it completely irrational to think like that (especially since all of the people I interact with are very accepting)? Yes! Do I still feel that way? Also yes!
When I was an egg and was asked for my preferred pronouns, I usually got really uncomfortable - I never felt like I could ask for she/her pronouns (nothing about my gender presented as female, it didn’t feel like she/her was appropriate), and all other options felt inaccurate or wrong (they/them being clunky and awkward and demanding too much energy from others to change the way they refer to me while not feeling affirming to me anyway, and the default he/him feeling like a lie or even an injustice).
So in my frustration I just started to say I don’t have preferred pronouns - none of the options were great, and that’s not my fault. Referring to me with pronouns is on others, basically - I didn’t want to be involved in that game, people will he/him me but that’s on them and I’m not going to tell people that’s what I prefer.
The pronoun question was extremely uncomfortable for me, and I came to hate that question, really hate it - and to resent the culture and people who perpetuated forced pronoun circles (this was more common in liberal and leftist spaces I was in IRL, like DSA meetings). It felt coercive and like gender policing.
Of course that’s not the only perspective on pronoun circles, I understand they exist to accommodate certain identities that benefit from having an opportunity to explicitly clarify preferred pronouns (e.g. imagine going by Spivak pronouns, how awkward to always have to introduce your pronouns in every conversation - having the default be that people politely ask pronouns first can be a way to take some of the burden off that individual, and make them feel respected and welcome rather than the default assumption that they’re either he/him or she/her based on gender expression alone).
And once I transitioned, the annoyance of pronoun circles diminished, since now I feel my gender expression aligns with she/her and there is no more dissonance there, I can answer the question. But I still feel this pronoun circle practice can be problematic, esp. for trans people who are struggling (either closeted, or in denial, etc.). I have sympathy for people who, like me, struggle with being asked to explicitly affirm a gender that doesn’t fit them at the start of every interaction or meeting.
I vibe with that, thanks for explaining.
omg this is so real. There would usually be other questions in those pronoun circles, so I’d just rush through my answers and not state my pronouns, hoping no one would call me out. Being an egg sucked.
right!? I don’t like complaining about pronoun circles too much because I understand they’re important for some folks, but I wish zealous liberals were a little more sensitive in their application.
Often times evading the pronoun question came across to people as transphobic and reactionary. I suspect this was also why so often in pronoun circles the facilitator clarified that an answer was required, which only made me (ironically usually the only trans person in the room) distressed and stigmatized.
Just making the question a little more optional could help people who need to disclose identity and pronouns to do so, and people who don’t mind identifying to do so, but still leave an escape hatch for the gender-distressed in the room 😅