Last night I had a dream where I was socially interacting as male, had male anatomy, etc. - it usually disturbs me when I wake up and realize my unconscious is operating this way, it feels like I don’t see myself as a woman, which is true on a conscious level but it’s painful when I don’t even see myself as a woman in my dreams.
Sometimes even before transition trans women see themselves as women in their dreams, and I marvel at that. I think part of my denial was integrating every internal part of me that felt female as being actually authentically male, that all men are actually feminine in this way or that. So the authentically feminine parts of me still feel “male”.
Anyway, I just wanted to do a quick poll and see:
(if any transmasc folks or enbies are reading this, I would love your input too, even though I’m using gendered language, I don’t mean to be excluding)
- did you have dreams where you were a woman before you transitioned?
- what was the process like of your internal concept changing as you transitioned?
- when did you start appearing as a woman in your dreams post-transition? (did the frequency increase post-transition, what was that change like?)
- how do you relate to your self-conception, does it disturb you to be a man in your dreams, is it a relief to be a woman in your dreams?
Before transition I could probably sleep 11 - 12 hours every night, and I would wake up not feeling particularly refreshed.
With estrogen I started to wake up after 8 hours and feeling much more rested, though sometimes it seemed like 8 hours was the longest I could sleep and sometimes it seemed like I needed a little more sleep despite still feeling more rested overall. Progesterone then allowed me to sleep longer, I can reliably sleep 8 - 10 hours now and usually wake up feeling relatively alert and not as groggy.
I know what you mean about the “I’m a man, wait no, oh shit, oh no, wait, no - this is a good thing” panic, lol.
My sexual dreams are usually still in a male role with male anatomy, but it is often either detached from a sense of reality or self (as though my body becomes a third person and my awareness floats somewhat - it just feels like it’s not really me), or I find it actively disturbing or shameful. A lot of my sexual dreams tend to be oriented around shame, fear, disgust - sex with people I don’t find attractive, sex that I did not consent to or that I regret leading up to and as it is happening, etc.
While I didn’t have dreams where I lived as a normal cis woman, I often found myself able to bask in my female gender as I was falling asleep (I remember this especially when I was starting progesterone, which I would take at night), and waking up in the morning with my brain snapped back to the habituated way of thinking about myself as male, and that was always a disappointment to me.
I look forward to hearing about your experiences as the world starts to see you as a woman 💞