Nothing in the world seems to help. I spent forever trying to find something to watch, but literally nothing felt good. Even when I eventually put something on it felt empty and I just ended up staring at the wall. I tried playing videos games, some of which I really love, and I turned them all off after a few minutes. I’ve tried other things too. Half the time I don’t even eat. Time passes in slow motion, like some kind of purgatory. The worst is I can’t even sleep. I have the next few days off and they’re going to feel like an eternity. It actually scares me. How do you get through this? I’m desperate.
For what it’s worth, I see a therapist weekly and I’m on a few different medications. This particular bout of sadness is caused by an especially painful rejection.
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Don’t stay inside. Find the nearest place to where you live with a lot of trees and few people, and go there, and walk. It won’t cure it, but at least won’t make matters worse the way sitting being sad in your room will.
I do like being outside.
find a used bicycle, if it needs work, even better. tune that thang up and go for rides.
This. Forest Bathing. Parks, Ravines, Forests, farmcountry hikes, whatever. Get outside and spend the day, all of it, outdoors and away from tech.
Like bathing in the woods?
Or washing trees?
Exactly.
The way I understood it was to immerse yourself in nature as a metaphorical bath.
A combination of exercise, physical activity and doing something that serves a purpose, for example doing some cleaning, tidy up an area of your room/house/desk because a cluttered environment has a massive impact on your mental state.
That “remember you are both the animal in the enclosure and the zookeeper taking care of them, so clean their enclosure and feed them.” meme is more real than you could imagine, so grab a shower and have a long soak in a bath, eat something hearty but simple like a slowcooker stew with some rice (and don’t feel bad about putting leftovers in the fridge)
I’ve been in the same state before, it’s a hard one to build up the motivation at times, sometimes you just have to say “Fuckit, today I am taking things slow. There’s nothing I NEED to do immediately.” (And if there is, potter your way around and get it done at a pace you can manage, you’ll feel better for having completed a task)
Also provide some novel enrichment!
Fill a pumpkin with ground beef then smack the devil outta it
I understand both that you’re joking, and the particular reference, but honestly it would make for an interesting afternoon.
It genuinely would, a less messy and more vegan alternative would probably be a duck tape coated cardboard box filled with paper shreddings and those puffed cornstarch peanuts, little more biodegradable and easier to clean up
I celebrate making progress. It doesn’t matter how much. “I did a thing today. That’s good.”
As you should, the power of small victories shouldn’t be underestimated
Cry. We get trained early to hold it in. Whether it’s a good intentioned “please don’t cry” or a heartless “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about”, we learn when we’re young that it’s not okay to let out our emotions. But sadness passes in tears. My wife of 25 years died less than two months ago. I have good support from people who understand letting out your emotions and I’ve been crying hard almost every day since then. I’m mostly past the acute grief now. I’m getting out and doing things with people, spending time with friends. I still have moments where I see something of hers and have to take a moment to cry. But I’m up and living my life.
So be gentle with yourself. Hold space for your sadness and let the tears come. It’s the only way I know of to pass through it.
Sounds like you have some grieving to do. And that’s a lot of work. And it’s messy and there’s no direct route. But your therapist should be able to give you things to try.
I know this is cliche, but go outside and walk. Walk until you feel better. Even better, find a place with trees you can walk in. There are books written on this subject, the Japanese call it shinrin-yoku, or tree bathing.
Thank you for the suggestion. I tried going on a 4 mile hike today through the woods but unfortunately did not feel better. I think I must have it pretty severely at the moment.
It can take time. Try to make it a habit.
Sorry to hear you’re going through this. It sounds complicated in your case: a history of a depressive or lethargic baseline, medication in the mix and an unavoidable reminder of the rejection.
TV, computer games, etc, cannot meet human needs. We are an interdependent species that generally need meaningful human relationships.
I think that instead of figuring out how to not be sad, you might need to look at what has made you genuinely happy over the course of you life.
Also, do you have a diagnosis that justified the medication?
That’s true about meeting human needs. I have the same struggles trying to meet people on dating apps when I’m like this too, but I think what you said is still a strong point.
Anxiety/depression and ADHD diagnosis. Since I was in middle school.
A partner is a wonderful thing. Sometimes they just happen organically when we’re enjoying ourselves in other ways.
A baseline support of people you care about and who care about you can be very nourishing.
My own best memories are of shared laughter with friends, even if those friendships were fleeting. Those times did more for me than consumption (eg of media).
The diagnosis sound challenging. Are there other neurodivergent people in your life that you enjoy meeting? What are your happiest memories?
I had amazing friends growing up. Now I feel like I have no friends at all. I just joke that I know a lot of people who would be offended if they heard me say that. The truth is I still have them but they all got married and had lives and kids. I rarely hear from them and see them even less frequently. Sometimes I feel like I just got left behind.
I’m struggling to think of any happy memories at the moment that aren’t associated with negative memories later on. That’s not to say I don’t have any happy memories. I’m sure I have many. I’m just not in the headspace to find them.
It sounds like you’re feeling. understandably, lonely. Sometimes that’s because our relationships with our friends have changed, although it can akso be because we become a bit numb even to what is good for us.
I remember what it’s like not being in the headspace to find good memories. It really helped me to keep a mental journal of those. Although I did have to crawl out of a hole slightly first to be able for that.
One thing is for sure, your emotions are telling you that you need something and in my experience doing other things (like playing games etc) only amplifies them. It’s as if they’re demanding our attention and contact.
I do journal, but very infrequently. All the happy memories that came to mind were all of girls that eventually lead to heartache. It’s hard to separate them when they’re so tied together.
I can try to do something over the next few days. But sometimes it’s the evening weekends that get really hard. When you somehow managed to scrape your way through work but there’s nothing else to do. I used to drink probably too much. But even when I wasn’t in the middle of something like this it had more to do with the damn boredom. Right now I’m actually too depressed to drink.
I would say every relationship I had was painful at the end. Breaking up is so hard whether it’s the person making the decision or the person who finds out. I look back on them fondly now, though, and I’m still friends with some of those. My last breakup was very amicable and we’re still besties.
The reason I say all that (and feel free to check out if this is getting too much) is I wonder do you tend to weigh the final moments more in your memories? I’ve been able to separate those breakups, depersonalise them and it’s left me with a solid footing where I look back and feel enriched by the relationship that preceded them.
Learning about cognitive distortions can maybe help a little here, especially maximisation (of the negatives) and minimisation (of the positives).
I think based on past experiences I have a major fear of abandonment, and I see every ending as being abandoned. I also have little to no confidence in my ability to meet anyone new. I feel like each time it happens that was my last chance.
I do things that require my attention. Passive consumption of media like movies, books, music don’t cut it for me. I go biking or motorcycling where distraction would mean an accident. Or I hit up a sports competition, especially with teammates who I feel some obligation towards to help me stay invested. Whatever it is, I try to find ways to force my attention out of spiraling thoughts.
Next few days off seems like a primo opportunity to break out of all sorts of routines and patterns. I would be looking to do something crazy new that requires a lot of active attention.
That all sounds fun and I’m glad to hear you have those things in your life. I’m just not sure what the equivalent would look like for me.
No time like the present.
Next few days off seems like a primo opportunity to break out of all sorts of routines and patterns. I would be looking to do something crazy new that requires a lot of active attention.
The silly sounding answer is that you just have to try stuff. You won’t know what you’re into unless you go look for it.
I also suffer from looking at other people enjoying things and thinking “that’s great for them but I don’t do that stuff”. You’ll always have the time for indoor time wasting when the weather/budget/whatever is in the way.
It’s very easy to feel zero urgency to go out and do stuff and to look back and think “huh did I waste two months I don’t remember anything happening recently”. Just look up events and meetups and hobby clubs in your area, you can just check it out and leave without losing anything. Sadly corporate social media is where a lot of stuff gets posted, but you can find a lot of stuff just fine without an account.
You can also think of not just what the “event” is but also what kind of people you think would go. I’m not necessarily that interested in TTRPGs but I know those events would attract interesting people I have common interests with.
I am not a therapist so take my advice with a massive grain of salt.
My advice would be to get out of the house and go walk in nature or go hiking. This worked for my sadness and depression. In my case staying at home just made things worse and since I didn’t feel like being among other people at the time hiking was my solution.
In my experience reading is much more efficient than watching/interacting with a screen. It doesn’t need to be something thought provoking, might even be some comics if it suits you more. But written words have power because you make your own rendition in your mind.
Move your body if you can, light to moderate exercise, even just going for a long walk is the absolute best non-medical treatment for depression. Your body makes a bunch of the feel good chemicals when you move that depression deprives you of. Also a change of scenery can help a lot. If there is a place you’ve wanted to go nearby like a museum or a park or something that can help you start to process and move on from a bad relationship end.
I live somewhere very hot so when I get like that, every other month or so, I go to a shopping mall and walk a few laps in the air conditioning and watch all the people. Your mileage may vary but walking around in places with a lot of people helps me.
It also might not hurt to talk to your provider about adjusting your medication if you feel like you are for more than a couple weeks. The most important thing to remember is that states like these are temporary, you have felt better before and you will again on the other side, you just have to get through it.
It’s hard to see them as temporary, but I logically acknowledge that you are definitely right. But I think my emotions are feeling hopeless right now and I can’t Socratically walk myself out of it. I think hopelessness is the best way I can describe it. Maybe despair. I can try and get outside some tomorrow. A lot of times I get to places like a park and just want to go home as soon as I’m there.
I also feel like I’m coming off very contrarian which I hope isn’t the case.
I’m the same way when I’m down. Nothing anyone could say seems to apply to me and I’ve always got a logical, (mostly) rational reason why. Depression is weird like that. I’m bipolar so I’ve done a lot of therapy and tried a lot of medications but none of it really sticks when I’m at the bottom of the cycle. The advice I offered was stuff I had to figure out on my own the hard way, but it was not something I invented. It was little bits and pieces of things therapists and confidants had shared with me over the years that eventually clicked.
But the only truth that matters is that the only way out of it is through it. You’ve got to find the things that work for you because we’re all different. It’s about taking care of yourself first and foremost. I rationalize and use research about neurochemicals and mindfulness to stay afloat, you might find something else that works better to help you cope. All you have to do is keep trying and eventually you’ll find it.
I will try. Thank you for the suggestion and kind advice.
knowing what you’re sad about is half the battle. grief is emotion without an outlet.
have you thought about why you’re trying to ignore or hold onto that sadness?
have a good cry, or paint something, or hell buy something beautiful and destroy it.
you need to find a healthy outlet for this emotion you’re holding onto.
I once was overcome by a bad breakup, was spiraling and drinking myself stupid. one particular night I had enough and ripped a broken fridge out of my house and took a pickaxe and sledge hammer to it, then set it on fire.
The next day I woke up in my ditch, sore, exhausted, wet. I saw the fridge and was sad for myself. I realized that before I was sad at the loss but never felt sorry for myself. then I started to laugh at how absolutely absurd it was to pull a fridge out of my house, drag it 50 feet into my yard, and absolutely demolish it.
when I was laughing I knew I was going to be ok.
That’s kind of a great story, though. At one of my old jobs I got to demolish a lot of things in a similar fashion. We took used furniture and resold it, and anything that didn’t sell had to fit in the dumpster, one way or another.
I don’t know what I’m trying to do with the sadness, honestly. It always felt like it was the one that had me, and it was a matter of when it wanted to let me go.
I hear a lot about processing grief but I’ve never fully understood that as a concept. I have grief. I understand why I have it. But what does processing it mean? If it’s not something I can sit down and do with my hands, then I’m not sure. I spend a lot of time feeling it and having it. But that’s more like a loop. Or I feel like a hamster in a wheel.
it sounds like you may know what to do, you just haven’t found something meaningful enough to do it with.
try new things. carve wood, weld metal, write books.
when I was young I had to process a lot of emotions. nobody told me how, so I just did what came natural. I did dumb shit like run around in the woods naked at night, howling like a dog. climb up in a tree and cry myself to dry heaving. I wrote stories where the characters lived the way I couldn’t. I hated my family. wanted to kill my father. so, I wrote about kids running away from home, or becoming an orphan, etc.
my point is, as long as you aren’t hurting yourself or others, let your emotion tell you what it wants and give it what it wants for a bit, even if it sounds like the dumbest thing ever.
I hope you find your peace.
Only thing that’s ever helped me a little is getting into water. Bath, pool, river whatever you can. Sauna might also work. Cold plunge is even better.
That’s interesting and one that I haven’t heard before. I like hot showers, but it’s usually a means of wallowing, not anything therapeutic.
Get a dog. Saved my life.
“sadness” is just your subconscious processing things. it’s like a small micro-factory hidden somewhere in your mind. you have the options to either
(a) be a slave-driver and demand it be done quickly so you can return to “joyful” things (a.k.a. wastes of time)
(b) or allow yourself to have the time to heal properly.your decision, no one else’s.
note: it helps spending time in the garden, among plants in general, or just any place where there’s not too many cars driving by and making a noise.
In addition to the above…
Sometimes you just tell yourself “time is passing, no matter what I do. Eventually it will be enough, even if I do nothing.”
I can try that. I don’t have a lot of hope for myself but I appreciate your advice and I’ll give it my best.
