I accept my mistakes and agency. I'm mostly upset by the lack of communication in our family. Until very recently, my parents have been relentlessly secretive about money due to my dad's deep-seated insecurities and shame (he didn't share what his income was with his own wife for decades), which I view as a problem separate and discrete from his poverty trauma about spending money.

It seems like you've at least had an accurate perception of your parents' wealth. After my parents rescued me from homelessness, I spent two years unable to get out of bed due to depression, because I thought I had brought financial ruin on my entire family and that we were a week away from living on the streets.

The only thing I knew was that we had $50k in credit card debt. I knew nothing about their $300k in stocks and $2M in retirement savings. I assumed they had maybe $200k in retirement savings, at most, one or two mortgages, and were living paycheck to paycheck (because that is the only sane reason to have credit card debt IMO). It was only after hearing my lamentations for years that my mom finally shared their true status. The removal of that weight from my shoulders is the only thing that has allowed me to get my life back together.

I have a friend whose parents bought an investment home and rented it out to their son after he graduated college and started working. He never asked. His parents just did it, because were smart enough to know that that would save him money while also making money for themselves. If my parents had been as open about their financial situation as I was to them, we could have planned intelligently and done something similar and saved at least $200k together. But they are social basket cases in addition to being financially illiterate. I still love them though.