lilypad

I used to

(

dialect) because I

. But I didn't

enough and

it.

In truth,

, but each

was

anyway.

Yeah, my issues with my breasts I realized aren't really with their size, but with the size of my ribcage. Fingies crossed they fill out more for you, and if not there's surgeries to make tuberousness less tuberous if that's something you want to pursue.

I love that feeling/realization. I think I'm past major growth but every now and then they get a touch rounder/fuller ^^ I'm glad you're getting some mood lifts!

is it weird?

I dont think its weird, strictly speaking, I think it has more to do with your comfort if anything. Like, I put stuff here that's probably tmi (tho behind spoilers). But idk, I'm also not good at telling what's weird tho

I would really like to read more about this, but uhhh gestures at western internet it feels like a minefield out there. You have any books or articles you recommend?

Heard on the paracet, I'll see if I have any, rn I think there's only ibux in the house. I've been binging TV and letsplays of very slow games (like cities skylines and workers & resources) to keep my mind busy. And reaching for water every time I'm craving. Maybe this is how I get in the habit of not being chronically dehydrated lol.

::: spoiler spoiler

is getting better all the time! If I could crack the code on, like, not completely shutting down in groups, I'd be unstoppable

Appreciates the words ^^.

hobbies

Tbh, I'm not very good at having hobbies. Part of me wants to start running stairs again, but I have no motivation and dont actually want to do it. I have videogames and coding and the like, but isolation thru those things is pretty bad for me. I'm still trying to get my life in order and learning how to be interested in anything other than my specific interest at a given moment is pretty hard. Right now its a programming project.

::: spoiler the rest I'm excited to not be dropping money every week, be able to breathe better, just feel healthier, its really nice. The joy things for me are mostly social experiences, and I try to have those every week or hopefully more often. Im not terribly competent, socially, but I still enjoy it.

::: spoiler spoiler

thankies, this shit sucks, but its not here rn and I know will come and go for about 2 weeks until it becomes more manageable. I've quit before, but this time I'm using far more nicotine and its harder lol. I'm looking forward to being able to breath again tho.

Congrats on being 12 years free! That's wonderful!

I'm quitting nicotine.

This shit sucks. I hate this. I was using so much, now trying to limit myself to 4 hits from a vape per day, down from constantly hitting it all day every day. I hate this. I was going cold turkey starting yesterday (with a cessation aid, to be fair) and today was so miserable I needed to switch to stepping down instead of just stopping outright cause I could feel I was gonna break and just start using as per usual again. Any progress is good progress. I keep telling myself that. But I'm anxious and angsty and uppity and pissy and amped and it sucks. I'm exhausted and full of energy all at once. I need something to fully absorb my attention and time and give me dopamine. Maybe I'll play some videogames. Idk. I hate my brain rn, I hate this so much. I'm trying to resist as much as I can, even with the four hit allotment. The less I use the better. Maybe tomorrow I can go without entirely. Idk. This shit just fucking sucks.

spoiler request? If anyone has tips/suggestions for aiding quitting please share, I need some sort of anxious fidget I think to replace the anxious hits and constantly addressing anxiety by vaping. I could use suggestions for the oral fixation aspect (no I will not chew toothpicks or gum I know those are common but I hate both of them). Preemptive thank you for any suggestions or encouragements. This shit sucks.

Tbh, I just have a special calendar called "mood" and track my mood there when I notice I'm feeling a certain way. I can export it and whatnot, and it is already an app I use and open a lot.

::: spoiler yep!

You can also make your own one-use stuff with water, corn or potato starch, and any other additives you'd like. You mix it slow over low heat (dont let it boil) and can customize ratios to get the right consistency for yourself. I've only used it when I'm desperate and out of lube, but its worked alright for me.

Good to know. I've visited Portland but didn't really leave the city, and was uncertain about how accurate some of these statements were.

You've gotten a ton of comments and info, but here's one more.

What's bad about the city that makes people move away?

One of my online friends lives in Portland, and I asked them "hey rant about pdx for moment, tell me why you hate it". This is gonna be filled with their personal opinions so I can't say how accurate it is. They're.... Pretty jaded, to my eyes, and very opinionated. Sometimes their opinions are on point, but sometimes they're heavily generalized from their direct experiences. So take all this with a grain (or several grains) of salt.

Here's some things they said about why the city is bad, arranged in a bullet list from their long paragraph of run on sentences.

I put my notes/questions in parens, I dont feel like asking them about stuff rn. And tried to edit it with brackets to make it make more sense.

Portland sucks, its just really close to tons of cool stuff (I'm assuming they're referring to the mountain nearby, the coast, the high desert in eastern Oregon, etc., cause they're pretty outdoorsy)
Portland isn't a city, its an association of neighborhoods masquerading as a city
Portland is super fucking white, whiter than anywhere [they've] lived. It comes from a history where black people were not allowed to live [there], and there's still tons of casual liberal racism and gentrification and driving out poor people and people of color
Oregon in general has a fascism problem
tons of people [there] who are like "I'm a white liberal queer so I know what oppression is and can't oppress others", with some people being chillers and accepting they can oppress others, and even fewer actually doing the work to unlearn and address it
drivers [there] fucking suck. There's the Portland drivers, who stop at an intersection to let another car go when they have the right of way, and dont know how to zipper, and can't make a decisive move to save their life, and endanger tons of people. Then there's the out of towners who learned how to drive somewhere that people actually drive normally and are competent. Then there's the calidrivers who cut you off run stop signs break suddenly tailgate and fucking suck and endanger people. Also no one knows how to drive on slick roads after rain, and if [they] get ice then good fucking luck and drive super defensively, people [there] treat ice like it doesn't exist and speed 10+mph over the limit with summer tires, or slow to a 5mph crawl regardless of whether there's even ice on the road
there's no gayborhood, just dispersed [f-slur used here in a reclamatory sense]
big homelessness problem and the city refuses to deal with it. Right now there's a program to "relocate people to their families outside portland" instead of actually give people care and social services to get them off the street
PPB sucks. They're incompetent until it's time to beat on helpless people
lefties [there] are either liberals with a coat of paint, anarchists who want to burn everything and dont care about building, or batshit wackos trying to start a sex cult
there's tons of old hippies (they listed this here so I'm assuming that's a negative?)
the job market is shit right now
its in the valley of sickness. There's mold everywhere
trimet (their public transit in Portland) sucks. The fact that its some of the best in the nation is a disgrace
the city builds bike infrastructure that makes [them] feel unsafe when biking, and neglects bike boulevards (idk what a bike boulevard is, but I'm assuming its a dedicated bike path separate from the road (Portland locals care to chime in?))
I fucking hate the [cishets] [there]. They think they're queer cause they dress like [queers] and then speak like they know [queer] problems, all while perpetuating casual liberal homophobia and transphobia
the city shuts down after 9pm. Its gotten better about it over the years, but its still not great
good luck affording your $900/mo room plus utilities while making $20/hr and can't get more than 15-20 hours/week. At least [they] qualify for fucking OHP (looked it up, its the states health plan? Looks decent at a glance)
you'll need heating in the winter and ac in the summer. Hello giant utilities bill
everything is fucking expensive
the cities gonna be broke in 5 years (no idea why, they didn't elaborate)

Again, take this with salt. I'm sure some criticisms are on point, but dont know enough to differentiate between those ones and the more, uh, personal opinions.

::: spoiler edit one more thing they said that I realized is maybe worth including, even if its a possibly jaded/hyperbolic view Dont stop on [interstate 5] north of Vancouver at night if your black or visibly trans, and be careful in hood river if your not white, people get disappeared.

Lmaoo good, I'll take a whole pint of it then

Holy shit you're back!!!!!!

So happy to see that its coming together like this!! I can't wait until I can build one! I wanna get zapping my legs and am very excited!

If I remember right, this just does galvanic, not thermolysis?

Again thank you so much for making such wonderful stuff!!

PS: it still gives me dopamine that ur using the name I suggested, it makes me happy ^^

I'll take a black hole with an estrogen chaser

cw ableist language

::: spoiler im a fucking idiot

Soooooo yeah I was super wrong, she feels similarly to me, and has been exploring in that direction for a while, and I'm a bit over the moon. I spent the night at hers again and it was lovely, curling up into her. She kissed me before I left today, and it felt so wonderful. The parallel play with her is really nice, unpressured and cozy. She's communicative and understanding. She's been hurt a few times by diving into relationships and wants to move slowly, not diving into a relationship yet but exploring in that direction, which may explain a little of my failure to pick up on things. She's been quite cautious. God it feels good to feel attraction like this again, I have had issues with being attracted to people who are toxic or emotionally cut off or just plain mean to me, and she's none of these things (I've known her for a while. I dont know all her flaws etc., but she's not toxic, not emotionally cut off, and isn't mean to people).

spoiler trans mega apology form [jokey tone]

To: all the folks who told me I was wrong

From: Lilypad

Date: yesterday evening

Reason for behavior:

[x] the media convinced me attraction looked a certain way

[x] I didn't know the sapphic stereotypes were true

[x] I missed people who are unhealthy and mean to me

[x] I dont know how to interpret social cues

[x] I was jealous of people with stable hormone levels

[ ] mercury was in retrograde

I will hereby respect the trans mega posters and not talk down the people who tell me someone might be attracted to/interested in me.

::: spoiler cw discussion of suicidality

When I was last in an ideation place, one of the things that made me feel heard, that felt unselfish and like the person actually respected me, was my friend saying to me that she understood, that suicide is an option, not a good one but one that is there, and that she wouldn't judge or hate me if I took that route. She helped pull me out of that place, and her realness and understanding was a big part of it. I dont know if a stranger would have had the same effect with those words, it was more meaningful because she was my friend, but actually listening and acknowledging what's happening is important. If someone is going to kill themselves, they're gonna kill themselves. For me the people who have acknowledged that have had a far greater and more positive effect on the ideation not becoming intention than those who deny, ignore reality, or try to handwave away problems.

It looks like with API v1.0.0 Lemmy will require a reason for moderator action. Doesn't mean it'll be a good or specific or non-vague reason, but it'll be required at least...

lilypad [pup/pup's, it/its]

@ lilypad @hexbear.net

Posts

13
Comments

636
Joined

2 yr. ago

lilypad [pup/pup's, it/its]

~ 24 months on average to become fluent in hexbear

Green Lake and Round Lake - Trans Megathread from February 23rd, 2025 to March 1st, 2026

Green Lake and Round Lake - Trans Megathread from February 23rd, 2025 to March 1st, 2026

Green Lake and Round Lake - Trans Megathread from February 23rd, 2025 to March 1st, 2026

I think "North Korea bad!" is the final boss of American liberal brain-worms. It takes a lot of deprogramming to unlearn this truism. The country's survival and growth should be an inspiring story.

Trans Megathread from February 16th, 2025 to February 22nd, 2026

Trans Megathread from February 16th, 2025 to February 22nd, 2026

Trans Megathread from February 16th, 2025 to February 22nd, 2026

Trans Megathread from February 16th, 2025 to February 22nd, 2026

Trans Megathread from February 16th, 2025 to February 22nd, 2026

At a first look, mood tracker apps are fucking disgusting. Anyone got one they like? Or should I just start a spreadsheet?

Trans Megathread from February 16th, 2025 to February 22nd, 2026

Why shouldn't I move to Portland, Oregon?

Why shouldn't I move to Portland, Oregon?

Trans Megathread from February 16th, 2025 to February 22nd, 2026

sphynx electrolysis development journal entry #10: hi

Trans Megathread from February 16th, 2025 to February 22nd, 2026

Trans Megathread from February 16th, 2025 to February 22nd, 2026

Social Security employees told to say, 'Suicide is only one option' CW: Suicide

[CW: Ableism and Fascism] Destiny subreddit defends Pewdiepie doing yet another antisemitic thing. Blames the "Left" for going too far

Babylon 5, Jakar and ACCENTMAN

How to organize when audhd+anxiety makes it hard?

Helping a friend get started with gaming on linux - how to educate myself?

Seeking Paranoia

My approach to winged eyeliner

:dysphoria-2:

:dysphoria-1:

A coconut tree just fell out of me

Asking for help quantifying and qualifying degendering and nonexplicit misgendering

This... This is a bit, right?

Famers Market - Surfin U.S.S.R.

Any recs for noise canceling headphones? (Specific sound desires in post)