Man people always make antidepressants sound like magic to me when I hear about stuff like this. When I took an antidepressant, I don’t think changed much about any of the way I thought or felt. Hell I was really wishing for the “emotional blunting” that I hear about to happen to me. It didn’t. My emotions were as extreme as ever and I would have loved for something to “blunt” them even a little lmaoo.

I mean like for example I’ve known I would die since I was young but I didn’t have such a fear an “awareness” of what that meant until much more recently if that makes sense.

It’s weird but I started fearing death this year. I had some sort of significant mental health issues and at some point I was making quite a few suicidal gestures, but I didn’t feel like I was close to any attempts.

In my many attempts to treat my mental health for over a year now, I had a therapist encourage me to try listening to podcasts to cope with something in particular.

So I found one and actually enjoyed it. It was on Taoism. Well…a lot of Taoism deals with death in a way…like understanding that we are born from the earth and that we will return to it. I found out some time into listening that wise and thoughtful host of the podcast had died maybe 5-10 year ago.

Something snapped in me and I started in an outright panic from that point on, fearing death. I couldn’t listen to the podcast anymore. I was going to die. I don’t want to die. I would walk around public places wondering how everyone was just walking around knowing they were going to die. Why aren’t we all trying to solve this as a collective?? Why don’t people care that they are going to die???

And that fear and panic seems to have stayed with me. Thankfully it’s not as all pervasive, but it’s still there.

For some unknown reason, even with that fear, I have since learned to ride a motorcycle. I think about the chance of death sometimes when I ride it. It’s higher now.

And at this time, I don’t feel like I’ve “wasted” my life per se. But I’m finding that I want to do something else with it. But I just don’t know what.

So that’s where I’m at now. I’m trying to figure out what I want to do in life considering the fact that I will die.

I don’t know what to do, quite frankly.

So realizing that I will die absolutely did change my perspective on life. I’m just not sure where to take it.

I don’t think what you talk about is depression per se. It sucks that we are gonna die. And I’m not interested in making a legacy either. I won’t be here to enjoy it.

But I wouldn’t call your life lazy necessarily either. The true Taoist enjoys life for what it is. You don’t need to be the best or the hardest worker to enjoy the world, nor should you necessarily be.

Idk I’m sorry that this is so long and rambling. I guess what I’m trying to say is I have no idea what the fuck I’m doing. Taoism is an interesting philosophy (iirc it’s also a religion, but I’m more interested in the philosophy) that may help you or it may do nothing. But idk it talks about stuff like that I guess.

I mean…think about that for a minute. If you’re being paid less than minimum wage then how are you supposed to afford to live? Some people live paycheck to paycheck.

Why peanut butter cookies???

My guess is that this is an at least two person household. One drinks Coke Zero and one drinks regular. I don’t think I’ve ever seen someone do both. Could also be why there are two toys instead of one.

I’m sorry that this doesn’t at all answer the question…But I just had to link this incredibly iconic moment from King of the Hill.

https://youtu.be/huVt8HthWcI

Ok but did you all name her???

Everything just feels so bizarre to me. Internet communities and politics devolve into weird rabbit holes of strangeness and extremism which is totally foreign to me. I feel like some people just sit in their rooms posting pictures on their walls connecting it with red strings.

And here I am just to look at memes. Does that mean I’m too much of a “normie” or “boomer” for internet communities nowadays? I don’t even know.

Thanks for the info tho. Sorry about my little rant lol!

Looks like I’m not on the list. Tbh I don’t really understand what is going on here. I’m very out of the loop.

To be real, one of the reasons I’ll never own a gun is that I don’t trust myself when emotionally unstable.

It’s ok to break down some times ♥️

Maybe similar to you but in the opposite direction, but I never really noted much physical symptoms of anxiety unless I was outright panicking, so I never thought I was particularly anxious.

Now I’m honestly not sure if it’s anxiety or what, but ever since I had a major mental health episode this past fall and winter, stomach pains and nausea are actually one of my big indicators of a bad mental health days. Literally never used to happen to me before.

I suppose there may be a benefit in my new symptom to clue me in to hunker down for some waves and try to do nice things for myself. Dunno.

Well bois…I’m fucked because now I missed the cutoff to cancel it

Well it’s funny because it will cost me, but I’m in an unusual position for me where it would be essentially heavily discounted lol. I can’t see that happening anywhere again in the near future. So it was part of my reasoning for considering it. I have an incredibly high deductible plan which I never meet. Before my deductible, I pay 100% the cost of medical care. After my deductible, I pay 20%.

Gastric cancer is terrifying. With a family history, I hope you are able to continue to be monitored. Luckily there are other ways to monitor it beyond imaging. Like how colonoscopies are regular screenings for colon cancer, they can scope your stomach as a way to screen for gastric cancer.

I have a family history of esophageal cancer which is a bit scary to think about! I’ll have to remember to get it monitored as I age. One of my uncles died of it and I’m not sure if the other will end up dying from his.

Yes but my insurance sucks and I somehow managed to meet my very high deductible this year. I can’t see that happening again in the near future. So it’s probably the cheapest I’d ever get an MRI lol…that part is part of the reason I’m considering doing it.

Insurance says it was approved so I would pay 20%. Normally when I haven’t met my deductible (most years), I would be paying 100%. I am comfortable financially to pay for something at 20%.

Damn! Very glad to know you’re still with us! Was it suspected or totally unrelated to why you got the imaging?

Well essentially I had a bit of an odd biopsy result and one of the possibilities can be a strange hormone effect. I wanted a second opinion on the biopsy to make sure it was benign. I also recently had some blood hormone testing which doesn’t seem to find anything too odd outside of the possibly of way earlier menopause than normal. The second opinion was benign which made me happy. But then the doctor suggested an MRI to have a better look at my adrenal glands (which are also producers of hormones) and ovaries. I think because she noticed that I have excess hair on my face and body. This can also be due to a hormonal effect, but this particular hormone wasn’t tested and would not have effected the biopsy.

What happened of you don’t mind me asking?