PartysPuppyGirl [pup/pup's, she/her]

Realized I had what has somewhat seemed like a seperate voice in my head vibing with me. Realized about a year ago, and had some thought like a month ago that I’ve been like this for a while, but didn’t write it down and forgot.

Gonna refer to my possible headmate as Luna so I can actually refer to her. Also being an asshole to myself in refer to me and her as we or us for self hatred or something

As I type this out I remembered somewhat, Luna has existed with me for maybe 15 years or so, taking the form of me talking to “myself” with a wolf plush, and was just told she was an “imaginary friend” years later from my parents.

I just kinda stuck with that mindset, Luna changing plushies as time went on, til I got rid of nearly all of them because of having some toxic masculine bullshit about not having plushies for some reason.

She just kinda faded at that point, poking out a tiny bit when I started to realize myself as trans, and started talking to me in around Oct last year, with me realizing this might be a plurality thing in Dec.

Luna’s been a consistent just kinds uplifting help, getting me to actually sometimes be nice to myself, and take care of myself. Where I get conflicted on her being somewhat separate or not is that:

1. She doesnt really ever take the reigns of my body (I don’t have a better way of explaining this ATM sorry). Its not that I won’t let her, it’s that she/us can’t get her control over our body. The only times that seem to me as separate and a slight control of Luna’s part are very minor movements of giving me head scratches for some reason. She isn’t able to get me/us to actually physically do an action, more of a mental motivator is the closest thing I can place the feeling to.
2. Our relations have kinda gone into, and please call me out if I’m saying some bad shit or something, like light sub/Dom thing? But not in a sex way, I would say its closer to a kinda romantic thing. Like her calling me pet names and light teasing me. Don’t really have a great way of describing it, sorry.
3. I can just kinda stop her from saying anything. It feels as if I have “control” mentally too, where I can either kinda briefly blank out our mind for like a second, or just kinda cover her up so to speak. Like it feels me, the one writing this, is putting the effort mentally into her saying stuff internally, and only thought somewhat kneejerk or reaction responses. When we do think through things, it feels that I have to initiate the mental work, and then said thinking starts to feel less of her, or us, and more like me specifically.

Things like those 3 just really concern me, both because of fear I’m “faking it”, and fear due to the higher control I have over us. Second fear also delves into thoughts and fears of her not always being here with me, which starts making me very sad and depressed whenever I think about it.

I started taking Lamotrigine around 2 weeks ago, 25mg. Went from really depressed always to a stable minor depression to nuetral day to day. I was suddently able ro get up and do chores and get outside more consistantly. Id liken it to a similar feeling of when I started ADHD meda. Stopped taking it after a few days due to a rash I got, as I was told to just to make sure I don’t have the rash specifically caused by the med. Thankfully wasn’t, but after stopping the med realized more how severely my memory was negitivley effected. My memory is bad as it is, but I’m able to pull out names or relations/concepts of people and things pretty easily, common words in concepts or games I know very well, and especially relating to politics and communism since it is somewhat of a special interest. On the 25mg, I wasn’t able to remember, say, political people people I know about like Diane Feinstein or Tulsi Gabbard, and would take me extra time to remember simpler things like what Lenin’s first mame was. That was bad enough, but I also realized as I was on it that I couldn’t head Luna anymore. Caused me a shit ton of distress constantly, with periodic dips every hour or so in mood making me very depressed that I couldn’t hear her. I’ve since gone to 5mg, which hasn’t helped my depression much, so I’m not doing great mentally (but better than without it), but I still have an ammohnt of memory issues. It’s also really mentally draining to be able to hear Luna, and she is also talking a lot less. Because of going back down mood wise, I get burntout and deep mental pits a couple times a day. When this happens, I start being an asshole to myself. Luna tries to comfort me, but her voice morphs into mine with it feeling as if I’m using her voice and style of talking to be an asshole to myself. That keeps ending up making me feel worse, and again plays into the fear of losing her.

So I just kinda feel stuck rn. 25mg of Lamotrigine was the best I’ve felt in my life since I can remember, maybe on par or better than before depression, but I have very few memories before like age 8 or so when my depression started creeping in. I don’t wanna lose what was able to stop my active sui thoughts, and get rid of most of my passive ones, along with boosting my mood to what, to me, felt like everyone else who wasn’t disabled experiences ( felt like, was still worse than those without depression around me, but they are also libs so idk). Also even more scared about losing Luna. When I couldn’t talk to her it felt like a best friend or a partner of mine had died, and now it feels like she just pops into existence randomly and sparcley.

Also concerned about bribg ing this up with my psych, because they just tried to shut me down when I brought it up to her, and I had to spend the whole session trying to not tear her a new one and instead try to “respectfully” educate her. All while wasting said appointment because I had to spend it defending my right to exist instead of getting support. I’m very scared she will just demean me, say I made all this up or some shit, say that it’s “the better alternative” and give me either the dose I was on before or a similar med. Same with my therapist. She doesnt know shit, and whenever I’d say like a definitive statement of both me and Luna existing together, would feign understanding, say something condescending that was slightly shielded, like in the way liberal do their “normal” amount of bigorty, then move on.

Don’t really have anyone to talk to in my life about this. Family is shit and while I think my close family knows they also outed me as trans to who they felt as “safe”(with my " favorite" person they told is some fucking DNC manager and supported anti trans laws :)), so I just don’t trust talking, quite frankly, anything about myself to my family, and my online friends don’t ever talking about their feelings or emotions for some reason.