I was planning to write a longer post for this mega and then Silksong happened so… oops?

Short version is this week is my 9th tranniversary. I don’t remember which day exactly so I like to say it was 9/11 so I’d never forget. What ultimately cracked my egg all those years ago was not the deep yearning when looking at women that I couldn’t identify as envy or the increasingly intense and umm horny dreams where I had the power to instantly change my gender. No it was that fucking faceapp gender swap filter. I just kept staring at that pic like it was a mirror into an alternate universe where I was happier and suddenly everything clicked into place. The first few years were hit or miss with a lot of other life changes happening at the time that interfered with getting properly started so in some ways it’s more like a 5 or 6 year tranniversary but whatever. vivian-shrug

It’s weird to say I’m almost done but I really am so close to making all the changes I wanted. I’ll never stop being trans, but I’m definitely moving from trans(itioning) femme to trans(itioned) femme and that’s quite exciting. And maybe a little wistful looking back at the journey.

Have a good week everyone!

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  • lilypad [it/its, pup/pup's]@hexbear.netEnglish
    20·
    1 month ago

    Went to trans night at the commie bar last night. Had a good time doggirl-thumbsup got compliments and a touch more on my outfit (and height) from multiple people and like damn yall i get it im tall but stfu im not a top spend 30 seconds with me and its obvious lol, im just tall vivian-shrug

    But i did my eyeliner and makeup last night for the first time since april and it felt so good to wear my armour again! I love it and it just is so funnn! I just need to do it early in the day so i can recover for a couple hours from the intense dysphoria of looking in the mirror…

  • XiaCobolt [she/her]@hexbear.netEnglish
    17·
    1 month ago

    I think a lot about those studies that showed just knowing a trans person is enough to change people’s opinion positively on trans right. Like not being friends or family, just knowing of a trans person.

    That’s why I kind of love being a huge, beautiful, goofy, obviously trans woman with amazing style who, as a meme I once saw said “was a a pleasure in class and I’m determined to make that everyone’s problem”.

    Like I am going to start a conversation with you ostensibly Cis person and you will enjoy it. Then if trans rights ever come down the track as topic, you are gonna remember me and have a positive opinion.

    • TerminalEncounter [she/her]@hexbear.netEnglish
      16·
      1 month ago

      I like passing but its a little sad to not be read as trans. One of my coworkers didnt know I was trans until me and her had talked to a trans patient about healthcare and clothing stuff and sge asked me how I knew that all - and was surprised when I said I was trans. We’d known eachother for over a year!

      I fully respect people who do stealth cause thats their preference or for safety but I like being openly trans

      • tithonis [she/her]@hexbear.netEnglish
        9·
        1 month ago

        I don’t try to go stealth but apparently I pass reasonably well because I have told cis people that I’m trans, or at least alluded to having transitioned in a way that I’d think the people I was talking to understood and they just continue to believe that I am somehow just a very tall cis lesbian with a deep voice. I have told medical professionals who can see the gender dysphoria diagnosis on my chart that I do not have a uterus, I have never had a period in my life, I was born without a uterus or ovaries and they just shrug and go “huh alright”. I’ve had coworkers who didn’t realize I was trans for a year. I told them I was. They forgot? I’ve fostered kids who didn’t realize I was trans (the kids who did realize were uniformly cool about it, this could mean nothing).

        I live as out as I can but sometimes there is that math you have to do in your head about whether it’s worth disclosing to someone or not. Most of the time I just let people figure it out themselves eventually. If it comes up, it comes up, it’s part of who I am but it is not the most interesting part of who I am and I’m not leading with it.

        Never underestimate the obliviousness of cis people. It’s really something.

        • TerminalEncounter [she/her]@hexbear.netEnglish
          6·
          1 month ago

          I do, now, get the “are you pregnant” when Im getting a vaccine or whatever. And they dont listen if you coyly get around it lol, saying I dont have a uterus usually works.

          I had a hell of a time trying to pass for years. I dont know what’s changed exactly over the last couple years. I guess just more time on HRT.

    • tithonis [she/her]@hexbear.netEnglish
      7·
      1 month ago

      Some of the fiercest cis allies I’ve had have been random people in (fuckass nowhere reactionary shithole) who happened to know trans people. When you’re confronted with the reality that we’re not some weird Other that exists in porn or as a punchline or just that weird lady (?) who makes me kind of uncomfortable and scurries around like a scared animal whenever I see her, it makes it hard to maintain those prejudices. This goes for any people who are marginalized/othered. It goes for us too.

  • XiaCobolt [she/her]@hexbear.netEnglish
    17·
    1 month ago

    I alternate between “Tarot is not real, its a fun parlour game for self-reflection”.

    And “as a trans woman I have profaned both man and nature to gain mystical foresight like my many sisters before me”.

  • meler [she/her]@hexbear.netEnglish
    16·
    1 month ago
    transphobia, hopelessness, ugh

    I don’t regret coming out, but I just wish I could put it on pause just for a day or two so I can breathe. I’m so sick of how people treat me, and I’m so sick of begging people to use my god damn name. I don’t even hate my deadname. I actually kind of like it as a name if I’m being honest. But the downright refusal to use the name I’m explicitly asking people to use just feels like a slap in the face every single time. I’ve told my dad several times now that I don’t want to talk about it anymore, and that he can just do what he wants because I’m done feeling like I have to justify myself to him. I asked him if he saw the possibility of a world in which what he was doing was wrong and he said “I am rarely ever 100% certain about anything, but I’m 100% certain you’re not a woman.” Like at this point trying to talk to him about it is not worth it. But he just keeps fucking bringing it up. Has sent me 5 page long letters written in google docs asking me to see things from his perspective. That he’s trying to do what’s right for me and that I shouldn’t be mad at him for it. The only reason I’m still talking to him at all is because I have $38 in my bank account right now. The financials are kinda shot right now. And sometimes he sends me money. I feel trapped. I just want to leave this god forsaken town in this god forsaken country. I’m so emotionally burnt out and I don’t know what to do.

    • TerminalEncounter [she/her]@hexbear.netEnglish
      9·
      1 month ago
      spoiler

      You are a woman

      Having your identity and feelings dismissed by a man is super apropos though lol

      Some of you, like the people who are pretty young and poor and just having the worst time of things, I just wanna scoop you all up and take you to my city and feed you soup for a couple days then get your lives started away from shitty family

      • meler [she/her]@hexbear.netEnglish
        9·
        1 month ago
        spoiler

        Something about opening up that spoiler and seeing that first line, in the context of the post you were replying to, really hit me in the feels.

        I would absolutely love to live in a world where I could be scooped up and fed soup and taken care of for a few days. I absolutely love my sister with every part of me, but pretty much every single other person in my family I cannot stand anymore. Just because of how they think it’s acceptable to treat me.

    • XiaCobolt [she/her]@hexbear.netEnglish
      6·
      1 month ago
      spoiler

      That’s so rough I’m sorry.

      I think it’s okay to retreat a bit and regroup, if humoring your dad means a chance to get some money which might help you in the long run.

      Stuffs tough.

      • meler [she/her]@hexbear.netEnglish
        7·
        1 month ago
        spoiler

        yeah… I think I’m only just now realizing how much it all has been affecting me. Yeah that’s the thought. That I’m keeping my dad around until hopefully I can get to the point where I don’t have to anymore. Or at least take a break from him. If he keeps acting the way he’s acting I don’t really see myself wanting it to just be a break.