"It's an explanation not an excuse" is a pointless nothingburger of a platitude

Let me tell you a story

Back in early high school, I had a big crush on this friend of mine. I really liked him. He was, in my perception at least, a big reason why I chose to stay alive. So I told him that. A lot. I thought he'd be grateful, but he wasn't and eventually cut contact with me.

Upon recent reflection, i acted this way because my mom treated me the exact same way, almost down to the letter. It damaged me and would have damaged him as well. I still haven't had a chance to apologize.

Another friend who cut contact with me (for different reasons) recently got back in touch and she apologized to me for cutting me off. I had to just straight up tell her that it was probably for the best that she cut me off because I was toxic.

Was my trauma, possible borderline disorder, and learned behavior an excuse or an explanation?

An explanation, obviously.

Maybe its something I'm taking too seriously or I'm just too literal, but an excuse is a reason why it should have happened, basically a reason for exception. Everyone is supposed to go to school, but if you're sick you're told you should stay home, and you have an excuse for missing that day, because you have a reasonable explanation for why you ought to not have.

If you miss a day of school and say "oh, it wasnt an important day," that's an explanation, the reason reflecting your character for why you didn't do something you were supposed to. You still shouldn't have done it, and maybe there should be consequences, but it's a reflection of why you made that decision.

So in my case it was an explanation for why I acted the way I did. But what does that mean exactly? Am I 100% personally to blame for how I hurt others? I'm obviously biased but I'd say no, because I had no way to know I was doing something harmful.

I still shouldnt have treated them that way, but there was a reason I did. It's something I had to learn from a deal with. No one was wrong in this situation. I was taught horribly how to be kind to people, but i was still hurting others, so they had no recourse but to cut me off. And in a way it did help me realize my problems.

I think that's my thing. There doesn't have to be a "right" or "wrong" in certain situations. I know this sounds like one of those enlightened centrist tumblr posts, but really, that's what i think.

If someone is bipolar and doesn't know it, they shouldn't be judged for what they do in manic or depressive states, but others shouldn't be judged for anything reasonable they do in response to harm from these states. Or if someone is bipolar, they should be given some sympathy for what they're going through.

If a "normal" person is having outbursts because you're not following their every word, then obviously they are in the wrong. But if someone with OCD is emotionally distressed because of the symptoms of their illness, then it's not really their fault. They're only in the wrong if they use it as an excuse for why they ought to do something. Saying something like "oh well I have ocd so you have to listen to me." Is obviously wrong.

But how many people actually do this to the extent that you need the platitude mentioned in the title? More often than not i see it used against people who literally can't control it [i.e Tourettes, people whom have that syndrome do legitimately have an excuse for their actions] rather than people who can.

If you want to be personally inflamed by someone I get it. My mother probably has mental illnesses herself, she was also treated poorly in childhood. I don't think it's healthy for me to be around her, and sometimes I really do feel like i hate her for what she did, but I'd never want to see her punished because that won't fix anything. She has her explanations, i have mine, we should focus on actually trying to be constructive rather than just saying "theyre wrong, fuck em."

I'm hoping this is coherent, if you need clarifcation on something feel free to ask.