Trump’s New “Pardon Lottery” Gaining Alarming Popularity Among Business Leaders

(Washington DC) As the Powerball jackpot in Arkansas of $1.7 billion is still in the news, a new lottery from the trump administration is drawing alarming interest from business leaders. The White House is offering $25 million tickets for entry in a “Presidential Pardon Lottery,” with the winner being given absolute federal immunity for past crimes. The president says he got the idea from the Powerball jackpot. “People were saying 1.7 billion, 1.7 billion… I can make 1.7 billion easy, just watch. Just watch.”

Media outlets are alarmed by the “off the record” questions they’re receiving from the wealthy and business leaders alike. “They want to know if it’s real,” said one reporter who asked not to be identified. “Then they want to know if they have to be identified. I tell them to call the White House, but apparently trump set this up outside the regular channels, and the website crashed in 5 minutes from a midi player error.”

Trump says the winner will have a pardon from all federal crimes, as well as almost blanket immunity in Republican-led states as well, if they’re selected. “That last one is usually true,” said trump at a golf course Thursday. “But how are they going to charge you with a pardon? You’d have to do really bad things with a federal pardon and be charged, believe me.” Trump has been convicted of multiple state charges.

One business leader, who asked not to be named unless he wins, said “this is a lot of money, but when you consider the legal costs of winning normally, this isn’t a bad deal. 5 years of my life going to court plus millions in legal fees, that’s a no-brainer. And my cr… alleged crimes are business related. Tony here could really use it for personal issues. Right Tony?”

“I hunt,” said the unnamed associate with cold dead eyes, next to the business leader. He did not elaborate.

But not all of the wealthy feel the contest is best for America. Leo Sturbgetter, an American whose wealth comes from middle eastern animal operations, said, “I hear Ivanka [Trump] has a ticket… no way that leads to a fair and free lottery. If he wants my middle eastern money, he needs to earn it the same way he always does, by addressing my needs.”