TW: Self hate, and maybe suicide ?

I rarely go out but I thought I would for getting some books in person yesterday. There is a bookstore in the mall and its crowded in weekends. Since its a mall it has mirrors all over the place, why does seeing myself trigger this deep self hatred ? it’s almost as if I am ashamed to exist ? I cried and just laid in bed for a while and couldn’t eat anything for the rest of the day. This was the worse ‘Episode’ ever and I have never had something this worse before. Is there a way I can stop it from getting worse ?