TW: Self hate, and maybe suicide ?
I rarely go out but I thought I would for getting some books in person yesterday. There is a bookstore in the mall and its crowded in weekends. Since its a mall it has mirrors all over the place, why does seeing myself trigger this deep self hatred ? it’s almost as if I am ashamed to exist ? I cried and just laid in bed for a while and couldn’t eat anything for the rest of the day. This was the worse ‘Episode’ ever and I have never had something this worse before. Is there a way I can stop it from getting worse ?
Oh no! This isn’t the kind of thing i expected from the title.
What feelings or little thoughts specifically occured when you saw yourself? Because I see this situation as either a negative ideation of your own appearance, OR a fear of being perceived(1) by others. So if you can’t think of any could it actually be just a fear of being seen?
I have had this. One solution is to build up tolerance by going out for walks - picking parks and nature spaces first rather than places with mirror.
If it’s negative perception of your outward appearance I’m not so sure what the exact solution is, but with time and exposure to the trigger it will pass. I would say that people have this extreme reaction if they are oversocialised to people critical of their appearance. So a nicer crowd of people helps. And take the time to cukltvate your appearance and become fond of it. Humans, like cats, groom themsekves more when they feel happy.
Alternatively, negative perception of yourself as a person. This is kind of a mix of nith of the above suggestions, and the key thing to do is to love yourself more, which helps with all things. You shouod feel happy that you made the effort to go out full stop.
Lastly, think about the spotlight effect .
(1) perceived by others is not limited to being seen but also doing phone calls, video calls, and having people tell stories about you. I reckon that this is exacerbated by us living in a technological culture where we use anonymous identities a lot and do not technically need to leave the house, but the root cause is feeling threatened by others, e.g due to traumatic events from your past.