Okay, so I would label myself a late twenties autistic woman who is bi and personally recently realized I also perceive myself as agender. Which I know is non-binary, but I also enjoy the external perception as female from society due to not particularly caring how others perceive me inheriting as a female. Hence landing on the label of women over enby. I working on the inner acceptance, but it’s a label a the end of the day for me for this particular issue.
Anyway, introductions aside, I have a couple of questions about the Ace experience. I’ve flirted with the idea that I might be ace, but i also don’t fully relate to the ace experience as I understand it to be a lack of interest/desire for sex. And I’m also weighing in the religious guilt/trauma around sex that may be the cause of feeling disconnected with sex.
I understand ace to be a lack of interest in sex/no or low sexual desire/no or low libido/sexual disgust/a general disinterest in sex.
I find sex to be overwhelming and kinda scary for the senses. Easy to get overwhelmed and mentally dissociate. I like the idea of sex, I read smut novels all the time, I want to be in a sexual romantic relationship because I like the idea of it. Reality wise, I don’t crave sex. Like I have a low libido, it doesn’t occur to me to initiate sex in a relationship generally. Like I literally look at partners, appreciate how amazing they look and don’t get turned on. I am attracted to them, I get turned on when I realize I’m being flirted with and being mushy. But I have to be explicitly told in some way by my partner to realize I can be in romantic mental mode. Like sexual desire doesn’t come from within me, I need a cue to play the role. I don’t think i have a general disinterest in sex, but instead a lack of initial interest.
Does that make me ace? I don’t think so, but i also relate to the ace experience. Even though I do like sex, i don’t inheritly want sex and i would be generally satisfied in a mostly sexless relationship if my partner prefers that.
A lot of times things are messy and blurry and don’t fit into neat little boxes, and that’s okay. You only need to use the label if you feel it is useful in conveying to others something about yourself.
I guess then I don’t know how to label myself then? I don’t even know how to fully explain my experience to myself since I’m still figuring it out. I like how labels work for others, but find labeling myself kinda icky since I doubt I’m understanding myself right on a spectrum created by others. Idk, its all just kinda confusing and I agree that it just kinda had to be okay. Part of the journey of self discovery and improvement. What do you think?
Asexuality is like many things where it’s more of a spectrum and there’s different labels and variations of it. Some people enjoy reading, viewing, and imagining sex but don’t want to personally engage in it with another person. Others might find it absolutely vile and want nothing to do with it, but even in those cases might still enjoy pleasuring themselves.
Here’s a wiki that explores the spectrum: https://lgbtqia.wiki/wiki/Asexual_Spectrum
After transitioning and my libido absolutely disappearing, I started to describe myself as ace, but more on the gray ace side as very occasionally I’ll have fleeting feelings of desire and yearning; they are incredibly rare and very very temporary. I’m also autistic, and I suppose in some ways similar to you in that I will create a mask when my partner (long-distance) opens up about wanting to spend time with me that way. I have to have the right amount of capacity to play that role though, but she’s incredibly patient and understanding.
My last partner (also on the spectrum) was touch-adverse. She really felt uncomfortable being touched unless she was in the mood for intimacy. She also has ADHD and would often dissociate during sex, which kind of required me to be more engaging. Talking to her, keeping her attention on us. Being able to play a character helps with that as I’m generally more shy and not necessarily talkative.
In my own experience (limited), I’ve found that people on the spectrum and people with ADHD do tend to fall somewhere on the asexual spectrum… Or the opposite and are hypersexual. But I’ve only really had a few partners and a fairly small circle of friends.
Omg, thank you for that link! It was so helpful and I was able to look up an ace spectrum quiz. I figured it out and am really happy since I can now work around it 😌 thank you!
Thanks for your anecdotes, they do line up with what I’ve heard other friends express as their experience.
