I tried asking my therapist about this but I don’t think they understood me very well, or I just didn’t explain it well. I wanted to ask if anyone here experiences a similar thing and maybe has a definition or term for it.
I feel like, from the outside, people are generally a more homogenous mixture of things. I.e, they have thoughts, opinions, actions that aren’t independent of the rest of themselves but are more the “average” of their personality. They might feel conflicted about things, but that’s more when they have two or more paths that diverge from their “average.”
But for me I feel like my thoughts are more like oil and water. They don’t really mix.
For instance, I can be really materialist [as in, Bourgeois materialism] sometimes. Like I fantasize about having things and being free and being a libertine.
Conversely I simultaneously fantasize about being a monk/nun/hermit, who’s existence is devoted to teaching people and having very little possessions.
Sometimes I love having money. I sometimes I go on impulsive spending sprees. Other times I hate having money and feeling like I have wealth, and want to donate a lot (unfortunately I can’t do that with my current lack of funds)
Or simultaneously lll have a very big and very small ego. Like having both a superiority complex and imposter syndrome at the same time. One minute I can be complimenting myself on my work and imagining how important I can be. Other times I’ll wish I was never born and think I’m less than useless.
It’s not that I don’t see these thoughts as obviously contradictory, because obviously they are. It’s like I’m constantly being pulled in two different directions. Like I have one personality that’s high ego, highly libertine and hyper independent who doesn’t want anyone, while at the same time I have another who has less than zero self esteem, wants to be a spartan or a monk or a nun, and is insanely fearful of doing anything without an authority figure’s approval. It’s not DID because i don’t disassociate and I don’t think they’re literally two seperate people, but I feel like this isn’t how thoughts are supposed to work…
Sounds like “splitting”, also known as binary thinking. I think snek_boi is right that this kind of thing is normal (to a point), especially when we’re taking into account dealing with contradictions and unstable social dynamics (such as capitalism).
Where it is (probably) abnormal in the psychological view is when a person is essentially ignoring/excluding the middle ground and forgoing a holistic view in favor of vacillating between extremes. This is not to say that everyone who ever vacillates is abnormal (or even that being abnormal is inherently a “bad” thing - sometimes different does not warrant being judged). Just that if it’s a chronic, pervasive thing that neglects a more holistic view, and especially if it’s causing the person distress, it may suggest a broader issue.
For an example of middle ground and holistic view, consider it like the following. Instead of:
“I suck” OR “I’m amazing” (mutually-exclusive possibilities)
What if it was a chart of pros and cons?
“I’m skilled at hockey”. “I struggle with grasping baking.” (Noting that these are not immutable and the position could change with time, effort, and direction.)
Or even more nuanced:
“I understand well how to combine ingredients, but I struggle with kneading dough.”
The more you break it down, the harder it is to cling to a binary view. Notably, however, capitalism turns our skills and attributes into commodity. This pushes us toward binary representation of ourselves. Who would a capitalist company more want to hire, someone with a resume that highlights a long career of accomplishments (painting them as an expert in the given field)? Or someone who explains exactly where they excel in the field and struggle in it, in spite of the fact that doing so may immediately make it sound like they are unequipped for the specific role the company is trying to fill?
In this context, it should be no small wonder people can have imposter syndrome: they are dressing up the complex realities of their skillset into a generalized lie of an identity in order to sell it and when harsh realities threaten the lie, it undermines their confidence. It becomes a matter of “am I an X or am I not? if I’m not, then what am I?” Instead of “I have some experience in Xa, Xb, but I struggle in Xc, Xd, and so on.”
I get what you’re saying I think. For me it’s hard to compare because I’m always unsure what’s natural and what’s instigated by my thoughts.
It’s like observing a quantum system. If I actively try to recognize my thoughts with XYZ behavior, often it’s hard to tell if they’re caused by a problem or by the act of thinking about them. [I.e, I can’t force intrusive thoughts with my OCD since they wouldn’t be intrusive anymore]. Unfortunately letting things happen and examining them afterwards usually hurts ):