Ah, good to know that even if I start HRT I’ll still ping pong back and forth between certainty and feeling like I’m a fucking idiot for ever questioning in the first place 😭

I’ve been feeling the same way recently, and I’m glad to know I’m not alone, though I am sorry you’re feeling uncertain.

I’ve been on E for about 9 months now, and as I stand on the precipice of being obviously trans to everyone around me, I’m less sure I want it.

Other than (most of) my family, the people around me are supportive. I was even in my friend’s wedding as a woman.

But, the further into my transition I get, I notice more the differences between cis women and myself that only living through a girlhood from birth would fix. Everyone is accepting, and yet still I feel the divide between myself and women. Even when people around me are being affirming, it feels like they’re doing so to satisfy my ego.

When I started my transition, my expectations were that I would finish 5 years of HRT, and most likely be clockable. Now, I’m not so sure that’s going to be the case. It’s going great, and I think I’ll probably pass pretty well most of the time.

I look at the benefits HRT has had on me, and I find it hard to deny that I have gender dysphoria. I’m slowly dropping my bad habits, my mental fog has disappeared, I feel much more comfortable being myself, etc. But I worry about the social aspect. My wife always asks, “But if you didn’t have to worry about being treated differently, would you still transition?”

My answer up until now was an emphatic yes, but then I realized that it’s a hypothetical. Try as one might, we are inseparable from the society in which we live. Gender is a performance, so we are always going to need someone for which to perform.

I do have a bit of social anxiety and imposter syndrome, and that has gotten worse as I’m overly concerned with coming across the wrong way or being a ‘fake woman.’ Do let me clarify, I believe trans women are women and trans men are men. I believe that HRT does affect the brain, and it does partially gender one’s thought processes. But I see my wife interacting with her girl friends, and I see a lifetime of socialization that I will not be able to match.

Even though, realistically, I could match it. I guess it would just feel like acting? I just can’t let myself have womanhood, for some reason.

I don’t intend any of what I said to discourage or encourage you in any particular direction. I just have been feeling the same way, and virtually nobody is talking about this. Good luck figuring yourself out.

On break?