I need to write this because it’s so fucked up I wouldn’t drop this on the few people that still care about me.

I no longer live. I exist. Eleven years ago I was a sad guy, with drug problems and incapable of any meaningful social connection. Something happened that caused a perfect storm and I turned my life around. For the only time in my life, I was actually happy. I remember telling that to myself and it was such a great time. I had a group of friends I identified with. I had my first girlfriend. But nothing ever lasts.

When that relationship broke down, in less than a year I was alone and essentially broken down as a human being. I have never been so unhappy. I coped though. In two years I was with someone else and that helped mask the pain of no longer having any friends. But it was an abusive relationship. Earlier this year I had to end it.

My loneliness suddenly was on the open air. This summer vacation I was miserable. I wanted to go to the beach. I wanted to go out. But I had no one. My only friends are a couple and they need time for themselves and I’ve been slowly drifting away. I spent my days programming in a mall because being home was unbearable. At the mall I felt human presence. It was almost as being with someone.

I tried to meet someone but I have been atypically unsuccessful. It’s a pattern. I meet someone, we talk, we connect. We start to get very close and when I make my feelings known they don’t see me that way. The third time I was so jaded I decided to act like an asshole and in a short while I was sleeping with someone. The moment we got close and I let my guard down she left. After that I started talking to someone I met before but never really pursued. She was as weird as me. I got close unintentionally this time. Until I realized I had feelings for her and froze. As soon as she knew, she blew any of my hopes and I can’t be around her anymore.

It’s not a coincidence. There’s something awful wrong with me. Something was never right since I was a kid. I repel people. Even people that like me. Hell…most people like me and I’m a great guy on paper. But there’s something nobody can put their finger on. Maybe I’m on the spectrum, maybe I’m deep down an asshole. Maybe it’s the universe telling me I shouldn’t exist. It’s not that I should die it’s more that I should’ve never been born. My existence makes no sense. I’m intelligent but could never finish my education and I’m stuck being a glorified janitor. I’m social but I lost all my friends. I’m charismatic and maybe even handsome…but I can’t attract anyone balanced. It’s like my existence is a bug in the fucking universe. I make no sense.

I truly wanted to stop living. I think about suicide sometimes but I can never do it because it would destroy my elder mother. My sister would be hurt but I think she’d eventually move on. But not my mother. It would be taking away her happiness in her remaining years. But one day she’ll be gone. And then it will be harder not to consider it. Don’t panic, I’m not actually suicidal…now. But there’s a dark cloud and I know (and this I can never tell anyone) how I will die. It will be by my hand. One day. I hate my dead end job and I’m stuck. I’m alone. And I will always be. Some people don’t know better and try to show their hand but I can no longer get close. I know I will be a burden. I know I will repel them eventually. And one day it will be unbearable and I will end it. It’s far away…but inevitable. And I feel this every day. Sometimes that are temporary rays of hope and I almost feel happy. But reality always cone back. For a few years now I’ve know I will kill myself one day.

Lately, when I get really depressed, I can only stay in my bed locked in my room. I lay in bed. Sometimes a cry. Days at a time. I don’t eat. I can’t do any of my hobbies. I can’t even jerk off. Eventually I get up because I have to work. Wearing a mask at work is exhausting. And it’s failing. People are noticing. How couldn’t they. I get home and I just weep. And nothing ever gets better. I hate existing.