To frame this precisely: do you think that distinctions between cis-homosexuality/bisexuality/heterosexuality, trans-homosexuality/bisexuality/heterosexuality, and other gender-specific or gender-exclusive sexual orientation labels are necessary, or should we keep it minimal, or even abolish labels completely?
And just to make everything clear, I have to disclose that I’m NOT part of the queer community, though I try to be as allied as humanly possible (I have three trans friends [two gay trans males, one lesbian trans female], one demi-pansexual genderfluid friend, etc., and I support and help all of them in everything I can). So, precisely because of this, I want to learn and know more about your ideas, feelings, experiences, philosophies, and beliefs. As I know the queer community isn’t a monolith, I want to hear as many voices as possible so I can form more well-founded and well-informed opinions, questions, and actions. I equally support your rights and oppose all reactionary conservatives.
That said, and back to the question that opens this post as its title, I ask this because I’ve noticed that it is (or could be) a problem in queer discourse, semantics, and semiotics, and I want to know how different people try to solve it.
For example, I have mixed feelings because, on the one hand, I think that creating more specific labels could help both as a recognition of the different experiences and identities that constitute the queer spectrum, and in making communication clearer, respectful, clever, and less prone to errors, misunderstandings, misinterpretations, or conflicts (for example, I only like cisgender women, and I’m a cisgender male, but if I say that I’m heterosexual, I feel that it’s not clear if I like cis women, or if I like trans women, or if I instead like both kinds of women, without further explanation that’s not always possible, or a more specific term, and that could lead to a conflict of expectations). But at the same time, on the other hand, it feels like it over-compartmentalizes and over-atomizes something that’s not completely discrete (although it’s also not completely continuous), and can lead to division, or even to other kinds of exclusion and discrimination both inside the community and outside it.
I know this is not an easy problem, so what are your thoughts on this?
Please, keep this respectful, civil, and on-topic. To all the moderators of this space, I kindly ask you in advance that if this results in a conflict or a fight, please lock it.
Love and peace.
This sounds fair, tbh, but I feel that it doesn’t solve the root problem of expectations conflicts. I like only cis women, and if a trans women doesn’t explicitly states that she’s not cis when we’re flirting or whatever, I would feel violated when I discover that’s not the case, specially when it comes to sex, not because I had anything against trans people, because I don’t, but because a basic layer of trust in any commitment, relation or even adventure was broken.
It would be the same if I, or someone else, only liked trans women or men, and one cis woman or man did not stated that, or any other case where someone expectations and limits were not respected.
But I know that’s also problematic to force everyone to comply with some laconic standard of transparency about something that might be taboo or a sensible topic on someone because of their ambient or because of their own internal conflicts, and because they can’t know if the person they’re talking with will discriminate them or if they will understand them.
It’s complicated, but I hope that a solution that balances both needs could be achieved.
Genuine question, but why does the woman have to state wether or not they are cis/trans, why can you not ask them? As it seems so important to you, would that not fix all of your issues with dating women?
Also in what way would they break any trust by not talking unprompted about their gender? The trust that you live in a dream world of only your preferred partners?
Tbh, I really didn’t consider that at all, and I now feel like a stupid for it lol.
Although, while that might also work, I don’t personally feel like it’s an option to me because I’m really bad at communicating IRL. I’m introvert and really, really shy.
I’m also really, REALLY clumsy and thus I know that even if I try to ask that with the greatest possible touch, it’s probable that the other person can feel uncomfortable or bad, and that my question could trigger a trauma, or a sensible spot in their own feelings and experiences. Also I feel like she then could start hating me, or looking at me with disgust.
But aside from my own insecurity, the biggest problem is what I said: for many that issue is a delicate thing, and I don’t want to cause problems or discomfort, I feel really fatal feeling that I’m causing someone discomfort that I most likely don’t deserve.
Great now that you know you could do this, why not ask your queer friends how they would like to be asked such a question? I am sure you can find an aceptable way to ask that. Also shouldn’t it be way easier for you task the uncomfortable question earlier instead of being unhappy or maybe even angry later?
Genuinely it seems it would help you alot to work on your shyness. Maybe a bit of therapy is not bad, genuinly therapy is often very valueable even if it is a struggle with beeing social. It can help alot with how you understand yourself and others, which makes communicating better and less stressing.
Thank you really much for the insights and the advice!
I’ll for sure put them into practice.
Oof, just noticed that I didn’t respond to this:
I meant, I feel like there’s a form of basic trust in which other people will not lie to us or hide us something that would in one or another way affect us, nor deceive us. But, for sure, there’s also the thing that they have to protect themselves against bigots.