just hanging out here.
i perceive this similarly. there is a person(a), that maybe never learned to talk properly, but that also isn't separate from me. i am trying to befriend this part of me now and hopefully fix this relationship that must've been so hurtfull to the little one over the last years.
in a way it helps me to imagine there being a person, whith which i could interact. to me alone, i wouldn't be that caring and patient. i feel like over the last year it helped me to regain access to my emotions and a sense of self.
i was in jungian therapy for a while and i learned to think of my dreams as manifestations of external but also internal conflicts and structures. i guess this opened a path to realise my being trans in the first place. i try to continue this conversation.
i am 35 and just started hrt. when it comes to hormones all the big things are already decided by testosterone for my body. i am still hoping for the more subtle changes and love them so far. there is a benefit, even when starting late.
in another thread i am in the process of complaining about my uncertainty about what i want. since you express the desire to be a woman so clearly, i'd say: go for it! hrt will make you prettier (as in less manly). 😊
i don't know if i will ever find a dress that i feel really cozy in and that suits my body, but i keep looking. don't give up hope!
yes i heared that one too. i even said it to others: 'go to surgeons/endos, let them inform you in detail. you can still say no after that.' but all of these appointments are a lot of stress and at the moment i don't feel that strongly like you reported. i think.
the only harmfull (or at least world-denying) ideation i had was that of being impaled by some angelic being (think of Bernini's Ecstasy of Saint Teresa or if you like Alucard vs Incognito). being pinned down, or picked out of the world, giving up all responsibilities and ties for and to it.
a few month/years ago i recognized that this ideation went away slowly. after i started hrt it shifted further. in those situations in which i would flee into this fantasy, i started to imagine spreading my wings instead.
that's super corny but i guess there is a self somewhere that started breathing again. i wish it would talk to me more often and openly. this would be my motivation to do stuff. wether it told me through nausea or happiness, doesn't matter i want this person to say something. i need that to motivate myself (the ego) throughout the stress and pain of surgeries.
you commented on my kind of genital dysphoria, that is a helpful comment. thanks alot, again. but phenomenologically its just that i don't find particular pleasure in people doing things to my genitals. it's rather boring. i feel like i miss data, in this respect.
ps: yes, i grew up within (liberal/leftist) catholicism. some motives of catholicism will be with me forever, i guess.
i had a quick look around, i am a bit scared of the book now. do you know a good discussion of it msybe?
thanks though, this might help me a little to come closer.
hey, thanks! i do use this negative approach a lot. i don't like being a boy, so let's try girl! i had a long phase of negating myself before. i avoided saying "i am X" i'd rather say "i don't like/do Y". that also prevented me from calling myself an enby. that would've been too much of an affirmation. it was more that at some point i grew tired. i changed a lot of thought patterns in therapy which led me to abandon a lot of my self negation. i just wanted to be something for once. and that culminated in the point at which i said: "i want to be more feminine, but i am unsure about breasts. i could live as a man for so long, i will survive having breasts too. fuck it. ill go on hrt!"
i guess the new thing, is that i care sbout myself all of a sudden.
knowing trans people helps a bunch, yes. i live in a quite queer circle for years. it helped me to see that transitioning is possible. but i was still so disconnected from myself, that nothing came of it.
sry i see how the way i put that made it sound that i suddenly found myself to be queer. that point 14 month ago really was the "i want hrt" moment. but i guess we have similar experiences. :)
for surgery i am at a point at which i'd say "i like what estrogen is doing. i sure could live without a penis." i think however this step might not be for me. if i'd suffer more from the surgery than i suffer from my current state ... i shouldn't go for it. would i be more intetrested in having a sex life with another configuration? idk.
oh, i always assume everyone is in the game longer than i am. (14 months, that i consider myself trans, 2 months on hrt). turns out we are kind of at similar points.
(in case this might help you with clothing. the best fashion advice i ever heared is: "don't wear clothes that are too small". a lot of my denial stems from that. when i got clothes from girls that were a bit smaller, i could wear them but they wouldn't fit me well. which then made me look bad and therefor feel bad. that still happens to me in store sometimes. but knowing this rule helped me to see that its the clothes fault, not my bodies.)
i hope your parents and workplace will accept you, that workplace sounds scary, but the other half of people might be more important? ;) at least you are more important.
my workplace is very inclusive and yet i haven't come out there. partly bc i feel i should bring a name. otherwise it'd just be "weird how i grew boobs over the last months, right?"
thanks a lot! hugs! :3
i don't have clear bottom dysphoria. i realised years ago, that i actually didn't want others to interact too much with or focus on my parts during sex, but i'm unsure wether that's just being concious about how they perceive me? plus a while ago i got myself into tucking bc some outfits make me feel quite exposed otherwise, but that might be a fashion statement?
so yeah. oversharing? sry. i'd be courious though, how other ppl expierience this, for my self exegesis workes a lot over my reaction to other peoples stories. i guess most wouldn't want to share. that's fine. :)
I don’t get the feeling that most people are sure.
but we all act like it. sure we have to be tough in a world that tries to put us back in the closet; or i'm sure there are a lot who do really know themselves that good.
i feel though that i need to see more that others struggle and doubt aswell. that needs a lot of trust. especially when the societal climate is becoming harsher. maybe my group likes to discuss doctors so much, bc it's easier than sharing feelings? or they really don't feel my flavor of anxiety? well, i'm gonna need to ask this in group.
i won't rush, but i can't promise that i won't feel bad about being slow at times. ;)
thanks for putting this feeling of urgence into perspective! i guess my therapist will be with me for a while.
in writing the last sentence, i just discovered, that a lot of this urgence might come from a series of losses in the last years, that makes me feel like the world is moving to fast for me.
❤️🩹
you are right to point that out. the concept of evolution is commonly loaded with teleological thinking by people who do not work in the field. that is also adjacent to eugenics as the acceleration of an "evolutionary improvement of the species". the supposition of an individual responsibility to parttake in an evolutionary process, that is misunderstood as such, follows easily. therefore heteronormativity. :/
i am however more and more interested in how much my body actually shapes my expiriences. i borrowed the notion of the body being a vehicle of myself "being-toward-the-world" from Maurice Merleau-Ponty for my everyday life. he talks about different phaenomena of bodily existence ... thats all to much for now.
but since i expierenced how much the shape of my body made me depressed, how much my hormone levels influenced my perception of myself, my body and the world, and how soon i started to feel more at home in my body, once on hrt, i think more and more about how my body influences my expierience of gender as well.
that's a different discussion. i know. :3
edit: all i want to say is, there are ways to include the material substrate (is body ever that clearly separated from mind?) and its influences in thinking about gender, that are not dumb/transphobic. without all this nonsense of "your body is 'Q' so your gender should be 'P'"
oh yeah! a lot of this pressure was just in my head, but there are cues i got from my partners that reinforced the roles. it was different with men and women. its not so easy to project heteronormativity on gay stuff, but even gay guys (who would have known!) wanted me to be a guy. only once or twice did i have partners with whom i didn't feel such pressure. and i still refused to understand.
i know, and accept, i am trans for some 14 months now. last night i realised that all of my problems with romantic and sexual relationships can be explained with "yep. im girl*". -- 4 yrs ago i drew a diagramm for my therapist trying to explain how "my desire" works. there was a shit ton of arrows, and items like "being the object of others desire" ... cringe rationalisations on top of cringe rationalisations.
it takes a while to understand yourself. <3
*still not super sure about that label. maybe read: def not boy.
the identity thing. as far as i see it's usually white people who do this. to gain ethnic distinction?
sure its fun to find out more abt what your granparents did (unless you are german).
if i had the power to do so, i'd give you a french passport right away.
maybe clearing this up: germany has a hereditary citizenship. i. e. children of germans can get a german passport.
being "german" means owning german citizenship (or citizenship of the one of the former constructs the federal republic sees as its precursors), not owning a set of genes. you can have no 'distinct european genes' (e.g. be ainu?) at all and get citizenship for your kids, as long as you have it. you can be "genetically german" and still don't have a passport.
jus sanguinis usually isn't genetically defined
- "germans", "french", "danes" weren't a thing. up until recently. they are genetically diverse groups.
- euros aren't all nobles. i don't know my grandmas maiden names.
- there was a lot of movement (read: fucking around) in europe. what do these tests even mean by "dutch"?
did anyone ever get a passport because some lab result said they were 10% "genetically slovakian"?
by all means do. but don't put that on facebook?
yes. ❤️