Trans joy, huh? I was going to wait a bit longer to talk about this, but now is fine. Mostly just posting this for me tbh
The last few years have been a real test of how much I want a good ending instead of a quick ending. When the conclusion you built your life on turns out to be hollow, it feels impossible to take any meaningful step forward. Rebuilding support systems, finding financial security, engaging with a barbaric system - there were many days where I felt like all I did was dig a hole and fill it back up. I even allowed myself an entire year to have a grounded assessment of suicide as a reasonable next step. If I had to chart my future once again, nothing was off the table.
Over time, I found myself at the other end of every insurmountable step. Finding friends who I could be myself around reminded me that I could be vulnerable again. Taking a chance on another therapist gave me the space to talk through the body trauma I couldn't escape. Letting a partner see me in this messy phase helped me to think about the future again. Finding a better job, struggling with the healthcare system, starting electrolysis again - every meaningful action has led to finally having a consult at the end of this month.
Through all of this, my resolve has become unbreakable. I'm not approaching surgery with a mindset of "everything rests on this surgeon working out" because it doesn't. I can tell my story confidently, I can find a someone that I don't have to compromise for. The era of feeling like I'm in the shadows of a failed transition has come to a close. I have joy in being trans, confidence in my femininity again.
Thinking about the last time I prepped for a consult, I barely recognize that person. I'm looking forward to what comes next.
You updated the wording and I hadn't noticed, that one's on me. It's weird no matter what the wording is to post. We don't use sex with someone as a means to assert power. You could delete this if you think it's weird to post.
It sounds like they let you down in just about every way they could. I'm so sorry for how they've treated you. There's a lot that can be said about found family, but processing things however feels best is what matters now.
I've been there with former family too, so like JBB said you're not alone.
I go back and forth on whether I find electrolysis to be a soothing experience or not. The classical music, quiet office, warm lighting is nice, but then there's the whole electricity thing.
Okay, seriously then, the systemic violence towards disabled people isn't something we want to lightly joke about. It's barbaric and, in a just society, being sentenced to a miserable death like this would never happen.
If it seems like we're sensitive about this, you're right. We want disabled people to live with dignity and for you to shit your pants in public
You've got computer science major vibes. Knowledgeable about tech, bit awkward but nice, plus I mean you're trans too lol. I don't know if those first two apply, but speaking from my own experience there :p
I've found myself doubting why people want to be around me lately. Almost like everyone expects me to justify my presence. I haven't felt that way in a while, but I hope this is something I can untangle and put away quickly.
Trans joy, huh? I was going to wait a bit longer to talk about this, but now is fine. Mostly just posting this for me tbh
The last few years have been a real test of how much I want a good ending instead of a quick ending. When the conclusion you built your life on turns out to be hollow, it feels impossible to take any meaningful step forward. Rebuilding support systems, finding financial security, engaging with a barbaric system - there were many days where I felt like all I did was dig a hole and fill it back up. I even allowed myself an entire year to have a grounded assessment of suicide as a reasonable next step. If I had to chart my future once again, nothing was off the table.
Over time, I found myself at the other end of every insurmountable step. Finding friends who I could be myself around reminded me that I could be vulnerable again. Taking a chance on another therapist gave me the space to talk through the body trauma I couldn't escape. Letting a partner see me in this messy phase helped me to think about the future again. Finding a better job, struggling with the healthcare system, starting electrolysis again - every meaningful action has led to finally having a consult at the end of this month.
Through all of this, my resolve has become unbreakable. I'm not approaching surgery with a mindset of "everything rests on this surgeon working out" because it doesn't. I can tell my story confidently, I can find a someone that I don't have to compromise for. The era of feeling like I'm in the shadows of a failed transition has come to a close. I have joy in being trans, confidence in my femininity again.
Thinking about the last time I prepped for a consult, I barely recognize that person. I'm looking forward to what comes next.