and when you realize it’s poisoned and that if you keep drinking it you’ll only get sicker, you are ostracized for questioning the source, people feel insulted because they’d rather keep drinking the poisoned water because that’s what they’re used to doing and everyone else does it and now you’re forced to find a clean well somewhere else instead of just banding together and cleaning out the well you already have.

well, after months of deliberation i finally bought a one way ticket to portugal and planning to slowly make my way from there to either asia or africa. still have a day to chicken out and refund but i mean i’ve been desperately searching for a reason to not just up and leave the country, the bar has been barely above the ground, and still haven’t found even one reason so doubt anything will change in the next day.

i’m not necessarily looking forward to it, still trying to get past the “i wish things were different” mentality. just seems like the only thing left to do besides succumbing to hopelessness. i’m hoping the journey will alleviate my misanthropic thoughts and lead to finding my people, but i know it’s best to not have any expectations. i’m also worried about what happens when i run out of the very little money i do have or potential prejudice especially in europe but fuck it i want to do less thinking and more action

the only thing i will miss is my computer. still thinking if i should even bring a laptop since i plan to mostly camp

aw this made me so sad to read and i relate entirely too well i genuinely feel like peoples approach/philosophies around friendship and community in the west is so poisoned and perversed. it feels hard to keep trying when you keep being willing to meet people beyond halfway and even that doesn’t get reciprocated in the way its deserved, and yet all the shittiest people i know are surrounded by many many friends and endorsed and accepted by the people around them. like it’s not your or my fault but it still fucking sucks