Travel is always stressful no matter how often it happens. 3 flights being delayed is particularly bad though, I'm sorry that happened last time. I hope it'll be smoother this time. Being at home is nicer, I agree~
Gods I can't even imagine, it is a lot to think about. I wonder if you might be able to delay the booking by a few weeks/months to give yourself a bit more time to think? Assuming you're okay with having it potentially later, that is. Don't delay if you think you need it asap.
This is literally just the Aristotelian hierarchical soul. Rational > Linguistic, Animal > Conscious, Vegetative > Subconscious. It's a lil bit similar to the Platonic Tripartite too but closer to Aristotle's.
This is true (there's a reason I use blooming and flower metaphors for transition beyond it just being pretty) but it loses the pun ("an egg opens revealing a chick") so it is unlikely to replace egg as the go-to term.
Thank you, both for the kind words and the compliments to my writing. Regarding the art this isn't actually the full piece since the file was too big. My pfp is actually just the character study which was attached to it lol.
Yeah, finding new family has been really lovely, though also a struggle for me. I wouldn't be where I am without the help of people I care about, though.
Thank you for the kindness Mega-tan, I'm glad you enjoyed it. It definitely is important, that's why I like to keep track of these little anniversaries.
Mooooood, went out in a full lolita the other day, petticoat and blouse and all, and it was awfulllllllllll. I need to be smarter about dressing for the heat.
You have nothing to apologise to me for. I can't speak for anyone else, but I suspect they'd say the same.
Whether you misread things or not, it doesn't change the fact that you were hurting and reading them in the way you could. It is not a moral failing on your part. It is okay to feel.
Like I said, relationships are mutual, you are not to blame for your difficulties making connections, you have not ruined the vibes of the community. You haven't wasted anyone's time; they gave it willingly, including my own. You did not do this to yourself. This space is first and foremost for support and you are frankly hurting a lot and need that support. It is okay to feel hurt, it is okay to feel like you need support, and it is okay to take up space in the community when you need it. My point is simply that the support of others is not enough on its own to heal you if you won't try to heal yourself a little too.
I'm sure you won't feel any better from this, however, so to make it clearer I will say that I forgive you, even though I do not think you did anything worthy of blame.
I am an asshole, and frankly that last post was certainly more harsh than it needed to be. I'm sure you're probably spiralling right now and for that I apologise myself. You didn't deserve to be hurt further while already hurting.
I hope this will be productive for you in the long run though, even if just a little.
Small talk is not manipulation, the other person is not forced to reply. You are not the only person with agency in that interaction. The other person is under no real obligation to reply. It is a way to fill a void of silence, something which a lot of people feel is itself awkward (Apparently, I myself like silence though).
Further, talking about mutual interests is frankly past the small talk stage. If someone is replying to you about a mutual interest, chances are they actually like talking about that mutual interest. They aren't doing it because it's a social obligation, they do it because they want to. And if two people talk about mutual interests enough, they start to understand and know each other and become friends.
Yes, I have seen someone fail at conversation like that, she was myself in fact. There were many years where I actively spurned any attempts to make connections or failed to make any myself. I have several friends who've done the same too. But speaking for myself, I forced myself to make connections with others even though I still find it incredibly hard and painful even today. Anytime I give anyone a glimpse of my actual inner self I am beset by worries that they'd throw me away; I often have been, right down to my own gods damned parents. But I also keep trying because otherwise I'd wallow and drown in that same pain.
Fawning is a shitty method, yes, but the reason fawning is bad is because it's a neglect of your own needs in order to try to make the other person like you. But small talk and discussing interests are mutual, if it's a shared interest both of you should be able to enjoy talking about it, and meeting and trying to learn about other people is, for a lot of people, nice in and of itself. You should ask for stuff because that's how you make the relationship mutual and not simply one-side taking and the other giving. Quite frankly, the people who hurt you like that were probably shitty people. They were used to the friendship being primarily about them taking and you giving, so at the first moment where they had to give in return they were uncomfortable. And they are pieces of shit for doing so. But having said that, that's also the danger of fawning, since it produces that sort of one-sided give/take dynamic more often than not. Which is why I'm so insistent on trying to make mutual connections, because while it's not your fault that you were hurt, trying to build more mutual relationships will gradually and marginally make it less likely to repeat.
I know that this is a hard thing to do and that it feels impossible. But no one is ever going to be able to fix you if you do not at leasttryto fix yourself. I'm not saying that you need to do everything on your own because that's bullshit and unhealthy in its own ways, but you have to do something. It's not some fucking switch that you just turn on or off to make your brain work, it's a long and difficult process to gradually improve yourself in small ways one at a time, just like anything else. Start with something tiny like trying to reply to someone on the mega who has an interest you share, or make a general post on the mega asking about something transition related, like maybe how to pick out a cute skirt. I reply to those sorts of fashion questions all the time because I enjoy doing it.
But sure, maybe these are too hard for you to start with still, given everything I wouldn't be shocked if they were, but you need to set yourself towards at least trying to find a solution instead of just waiting for some perfect person to show up and save you. Yes, you will almost certainly fail some or even many times, but if you don't set yourself up to learn from your failings you're just going to repeat them or drown in your gods damned sorrows.
Frankly, you've been doing this for months at this point with practically no change in either your behaviour or statements despite people continually talking to you and trying to get to you where you are. Again I don't expect instant changes overnight, but you have had a long period to reflect on what people have told you and yet if anything you've become more insular, internalising the advice and attempts to help as proof that you are fundamentally broken instead of as proof that you can change even if it is a slow and hard process. Have you even considered that Terminal has been doing the exact thing you are constantly asking for, trying to understand your point of view and genuinely help, for months and months and months? And yet I don't think I've seen you even once try to talk to her outside of these despite the fact that she has done exactly what you asked for several times. I can't speak for her, obviously, we never even interact outside of the occasional post on the megathread, but I've still read the things she's been saying to you, the things you've been saying, and consistently she has been nothing but kind and trying to understand and help. Going straight to your Deep Down like you want. And she's never once lost her temper at you; she's not an asshole like I am, as evidenced by this very post. Sure, it hasn't built a friendship, but that's because of what I was trying to insist, healthy, good friendships cannot be built upon a foundation of only pain. But nonetheless, no one would be doing this for you if they did not at the very least want to help you hurt less. I hope you'll be able to see that someday.
Anniversaries can matter even if they're just for yourself and by yourself. I should know.
And like, I don’t want the small talk, the one-offs, etc, until the Deep Down is addressed. To me a sign that someone cares and is invested is that they want to talk about the messy stuff, they aren’t scared. There’s care, like, the act of helping, and I could use that.
How is somebody supposed to care if there is no connection made yet?
Close friendships never appear out of thin air, they're cultivated over time. How would someone even be able to offer you a real ear to listen to your problems if they don't know you yet? I don't even mean in the sense of why would they, I mean in the sense of how could they genuinely understand you if they don't know anything about you yet? Would you be able to understand someone who you met that very same day? The way people build to that understanding is through the small talk and the one-offs and the small conversations about hobbies and shared interests or experiences.
To use Aristotelian language here, a friendship of good is cultivated first through a friendship of convenience or a friendship of pleasure; "they also need time, to grow accustomed to each other; for, as the proverb says, they cannot know each other before they have shared their salt as often as it says, and they cannot accept each other or be friends until each appears lovable to the other and gains the other's confidence. [...] For though the wish for friendship comes quickly, friendship does not"
By insisting so much on addressing your Deep Down first and foremost you're closing yourself off from anyone who might actually make a connection with you, who might actually be able to help you with the Deep Down.
Eee! Excited to see you again! I've been meaning to send a message for a little while now actually but have been so busy that it kept slipping through the cracks.
I hope posting again will be helpful in the way you want it to be. I do the same thing with regards to isolating when stressed, and it's such a shitty feeling; I'm sorry you go through it too. I, at the very least though, would not feel like you're imposing or any such thing since I always enjoy chatting with you, though I recognise just saying this likely won't be sufficient to make the feeling go away.
Thank you for the kind words, I'm glad you found it inspirational. It's hard but, gets easier as time moves on.