👎

It’s been an absolutely terrible week, I wish I’d worked out what was happening sooner so I didn’t have to face this alone.

That sounds like it was such a hard journey, I’m proud of you for stepping up and taking responsibility for yourself. I definitely understand feeling cursed, I’ve had plenty of nights crying wondering who was controlling me and ruining my life, it’s so hard.

I’ve only once ended up with really intense feelings for someone I wasn’t seeing, and it was pretty rough. I never told them but we’re very close friends now, I’m really glad it worked out, I don’t know what I’d do if I’d been this bad back then.

HRT has definitely felt like I’m redoing my teenage years, everything’s brand new and I’ve no idea how to do so many things anymore. I feel like all the memories of life before HRT belong to someone else, it’s such a bizarre experience and nothing ever prepared me for this.

Thank you for your story, that’s very brave of you to share and it helped me a little.

Oh thanks, that’s a useful insight I didn’t know that about ADHD. I’d read a little saying treating ADHD could relieve BPD but that doesn’t seem to be the case for me haha.

Yeah the AuDHD trans thing is painfully real, it’s me to a T. It’s been really nice having an emotional range that I hadn’t felt since before puberty, but it’s also a big challenge to learn to live this way and to feel so much more vulnerable and fragile.

Thank you for sharing your story, I really appreciate it.

I’m so sorry, the political landscape is absurdly difficult for so many of us right now, we’re all thinking of you down here.

Thank you for sharing and I’m sorry that you’re having such a tough time.

Thanks again, I really appreciate it. I’ve been pretty lucky and my old psychologist had space for another client so I get to resume with someone I already trust and who was there to help me through all my previous relationship trauma. I’m in good hands.

I’ll absolutely be completely honest, I’ve no real reason to hide anything anyway, I’m pretty dedicated to being happy.

Oh I’m booked in with my old therapist as of today, we’ll be starting soon. Thanks for the concern, I’ll be staying with family for a while so I’ll be okay.

And btw hrt has still given me mostly very positive mental changes, as fucked as this has been I don’t regret starting one bit.

When I first started hrt things were more or less totally fine, I was thriving honestly, good times. But then shit started slipping away, I could barely keep up at work and didn’t have enough executive function to relax in any way. I lived like that for a bit over a year, eventually after a long search I got an ADHD diagnosis and started meds, so things have been a lot better. It was definitely a wake up call that mentally stuff was changing a lot more than I’d anticipated.

The suspected BPD is new. I’ve had shitty relationships and stuff in the past, I’ve exhibited a lot of behaviour that I’m now able to manage completely fine thanks to a decent bit of therapy, until recently. It seems I’ve got a very specific trigger, I was mostly able to keep things under control for a long time, but I didn’t get to see my partner for an extended time because he was sick and I couldn’t visit for entirely valid reasons. I stayed a night in an ER under observation, came out feeling better for a bit and started trying to fix myself up. It worked for a while, I was doing a lot better and improving my life, but then there was a perfect storm and it pushed me to a point where I couldn’t recognise that I was making really bad decisions, nothing I’ve ever experienced before. I’ve no idea how to cope with fucking up so badly, I’ve just lost someone that meant a lot to me and now I’m alone and can’t stop my brain. This is totally new, I’ve never ended a relationship while still in love, I’ve never had any fear of abandonment this strong and I’ve never idolised someone to this point. I’ve no clue if it’s from the hrt, purely trauma or something else like the ADHD meds or just stress.

It sucks.

Ah ya beat me to it! I almost shouted “that’s a D class!”

Yeah that’s it lol, I like feeding people.

It’s not really the reason, but she was at least part of what drew me to it, and it’s really funny tbh

I redesigned my entire living room and listened to a lot of Courtney Barnett this week. I don’t really know what to make of anything, I’m just trying to be better than I was.

Starting singing lessons in a couple of days, so hopefully that goes well.

Yuuuup

The reds where I live come to rallies to recruit people into a very cult like group that constantly demands money from it’s members, to sell expensive tickets to meetings and their newspaper, even when we make a point to say no stalls are welcome and to not profit off of our work. They’re very icky and I feel very bad for the students they recruit because they get all the flack for being duped.

Looking at it from a quantum field perspective, pretty much. If the only interactions are through gravity then the underlying field’s evolution can’t be influenced by anything else, I have no real idea what the implications of that would be because we don’t have a QFT for gravity.

This feels like the worst week or two I’m ever going to have. I broke up with someone I love so much, after the worst date I’ve ever had, every decision feels like a mistake and I don’t feel in control; I feel insane, like I’m waking up forced to live with decisions someone else made.

I’m pretty sure I’ve burnt that bridge completely, but the worst pain is knowing I could unblock him and ask to try again. I just keep telling myself there’s no point to a fourth try, right after he begged for another chance and refused to do anything more substantial than vaguely promising to not be an ass. Broken promises, weeks of cold loneliness, and now this.

I know it’ll get easier, but it’s hard to find the will to keep going when something good happened for once, and then collapsed over something so stupid.

Anyway I’m going back on the radio in a couple of days to talk about trans people having bad mental health lol

Wow, that’s devastating. Stay safe friend, hope you heal soon concussions are awful.

About 50 terfs and nazis held an anti-trans rally down here a couple of days ago. 500-1000 of us showed up to drown them out with noise, I handed out about 150 whistles to people, someone played Chappell Roan and we had a dance party, it was intense. 200 cops blocked off the entire intersection and kept us apart by a good 50+ metres. The terfs eventually got forced to leave early, so we ended up having a march through the city and it went to absolute shit.

Arrests were made, cops tackled and beat up a trans woman and put her in the hospital, pepper sprayed a transfem journalist and abused their powers all day to forcefully search people who weren’t doing anything. As usual we were nonviolent but the media keeps calling us aggressive and violent thugs, if you watch any of the footage it’s literally all just the cops turning violent and beating up some of the most vulnerable people. We have a right to demonstrate and the state tried to prevent us from doing so, it’s absolutely disgusting and it’s only going to get worse if they pass their anti-protestor laws.

I ended up bailing earlier than I wanted to, I’ve got an appeal in less than a month and was already on the cops radar that day.

Wait what? Doctors won’t see victims? For legal reasons? What???

Are you okay, can we help in any way?

Oh haha, I didn’t really care that much about the socks but paw pads? Now we’re talking!

I went to grippy sock jail and there were no grippy socks, 3/10 wouldn’t do again. One of the nurses was trans and she was the only person there who didn’t make me feel judged or crowded, everything else was god awful.

Doing okay now, things aren’t stable yet but I’m working hard on fixing everything.