I am the sin bearer (CW:rant/venty post, TW:multiple)

bit dramatic but i feel like its the only thing im good at. comitting the 7 deadly sins. its all i live for. it controls my life in a way i cant see it doing to others.

lust. -i get limerent too much and too intrigued by sexual topics. gluttony. -im a slave to food. wrath. -ive lost it too many times. greed. -i have so much crap and am not as frugal as i need to be. pride. -im too proud to be real with people. envy. -i spend my life comparing myself, making excuses. sloth. -i bed rot. its not cool and girlypop, its sick.

should i just take the "medicine" and conform to eventually one day end it all myself? im not special or cute. i do suck. i think everyone should feel good about themselves, who they are and what theyre doing. do i feel good like this?... i feel like a stupid disappoint. take the meds, that will make everything better. wait til everyone you know dies so you can start fresh... thats not going to happen.

living like a zombie feels /comes natural to me so maybe its just who i am and i dont need to try and change that. everyone else is naturally who they are...

idk what im saying but thanks for reading my sad post.

i want him to like me because it makes me feel worth something. i dont need to work on myself if i have his attention. im good. i can submit my life to him but he doesnt want that anyway... so then what? actually get up... i have addictions- boys, wasting/spending money, the internet, food.... these are my vices. maybe i should trial a week without 1 at a time. lets see... theres always somethig that gets in the way. i feel like i have no brain and the world has my brain. everyone else has their brain plus a bit of mine...

i need to be better

I feel like such a shitty person that the only way I can really satisfy and be close to the people around me is if I’m on something. My aura is in the minuses. And I’m 23 so no excuses. I just suck.