Hi, i have not been diagnosed, but have been compelled to try embrace what I have been told is my neural diversity

So long story short

I am writing to say hi and hopefully I can find answers lurking in the shadows by everyone here.

Long story:

I guess I believed that I didn't have this and have struggled a lot over time with the thought of always thinking what I might have and why I felt so different from neural typical people

I haven't had a formal diagnosis, but I have been unofficial diagnosed with ADHD,anxiety and depression and a nurse off had mentioned that I might have Asperger's but again no formal diagnosis.

I think I might also display signs CPTSD symptoms and I tend to have a proverbial forest of these lists of traumas albeit it small but are so...persistent that it is quite extensive in the sense that I could write a short story trying to explain myself with how I am feeling with this.

I think because my younger brother is mentally challenged to the point where he cannot look after himself, I think I have been hesitant to claim being neural divergent in fears that I might be thinking I am "broken"

But I have been, I guess, exploring, trying to understand what I might have because I have been forced to really try and make progress in my life after being "paralysed" by not feeling I am making any progress in my life.

I have always been something of a black sheep, generally have been of strong opinion and I am observant enough that I am decent at reading people to the point where I can call out other people's bs to a reasonable degree.

I believe I am strong willed in the sense that I am not too easily swayed, but tend to fold with a "second inner self" that is on watch once I have experienced something bad. I also feel like I can be caught up in a collective "energy" too

My life is one of wearing masks and figuring out the right "persona" to put on for the right "performance"

I also struggle with interpersonal relationships as I have a tendency to overshare and be verbose in both my words and actions.

I have a bad tendency to trust and that has led to me being taken advantage of a lot, which has a knock on effect of making me be very cautious of people and their intent, which leaves me feeling very lonely and unloved as I struggle to make connections

I have difficulties making connections because I generally scare everyone away with how "heavily burdened" my soul feels and that leads to struggling to regulate and being force to have to mask up and live with the tiring burden of wanting to "fit in"

I am unemployed, I have been looking for employment and struggle to find many jobs to apply to because of a lack of confidence in my skills and feeling very self-conscious because I am in student debt that I cannot pay and I am forced to stay with my parents which also makes and leaves me with guilt as it is a household that is hanging on by the generosity of family.

Just overall life sucks and I do not know what to do with myself as all roads feel like a dead end