A rant about feelings

Starting about 4 years ago, my wife and I started trying to have a baby. Now, 4 years later, I am turning 40 this year and she is turning 43. We still do not have a baby and it feels like the window is closing with each day. About 2 years ago we started going to a doctor specialized in fertility issues, and we went through various procedures which culminated in starting IVF treatment. Up until now, we've done 2 IVF rounds and we are preparing for the 3rd one. I've talked with my wife and we agreed that this will be the last round of IVF we will be doing, no matter the result. If it's successful, all the better, if not, we will look into other options. Those options are using donated eggs or adoption.

Going through this process has me feeling all kinds of things, but the most prevalent feelings are resentment and feeling powerless. I feel resentment mostly because of the IVF treatment. It weighs on me that the process of becoming a father, for me, means poking my wife with needles. I know that I am fortunate to live in a time where this is even possible. I also know that I am fortunate to live in Romania and have access to a state-run fertility clinic which is about 3 to 4 times cheaper than private ones. Even so, the medicine and procedures are still expensive. I've spent around 20% of my annual income on these 2 cycles. I know that I am fortunate that we can afford it and it does not impact our lifestyle that much. Knowing that we are in a fortunate position makes me feel shitty because I feel resentment. We have all these advantages and yet, here I am, not appreciating what we have and resenting the process. All this resentment feeds that feeling of powerlessness. I poke my wife with needles and she has to go through all the hormonal issues, pain from being poked too much, bruising, and all the other side effects of the treatment by herself. All I can do is hug her, tell her I love her and be there when she needs me. It feels insufficient and I resent that I feel so powerless.

I wish I could speak to my wife about how I feel but how, in good conscience, can I tell her this when she is actually going through psychological AND physical torment? Can I burden her with my feelings? I wish I could speak with friends about it but my best friend and his wife are going through the same thing, with the addition that their medical situation makes the success rate even lower than ours. How can I go complain about our situation when they are going through it with even lower chances? My other friends either don't want kids or already have kids. If I have to hear "you need to relax, take a vacation and it will happen for you" one more time, I will snap. It feels so tone deaf, like our problems, all my feelings are caused by not taking a vacation. It drives me nuts.

Now that we are preparing to start this 3rd cycle, I've also thought about what we will do after, if this does not work. One of the options is to use donated eggs. The thought of my wife carrying a child that is genetically mine but not hers feels so damn unnatural to me. I can't wrap my mind around that. Adoption is the other option but it raises all kinds of questions for me. What if we foster a child, we get attached, but then we get declined in the adoption process? Or the even worse situation, where one of us gets attached and the other does not, what do we do then? If my wife bonds with a child but I don't, can I decline her happiness of being a mother? Should I neglect my feelings so that she is happy? Of course that applies the other way around, if I am the one bonding and she does not, should I force the issue and have her raise a child she does not care for?

I've also been thinking about the idea of being a father and if I would be fit as a parent. My relationship with my parents is almost non-existent and I'm wondering if history would repeat itself and decades later I would be on the other side, where my child would not want to talk to me.

I am writing all of this because I need to vent. I've been thinking about this for a while and it's been giving me anxiety. I have to deal with these feelings so I can be there for my wife and support her the best I can. I've noticed that in the previous IVF cycles, I became easily annoyed. Reflecting on that I realized it was because I felt powerless. It's like I am an RPG character that wandered into a zone that he is underleveled for. I want to make peace with myself and do better by my wife.