Something no one warned me about working out

I have been working out for about 7 months, and sure, I can lift more, my arms are a little bigger, my neck is a little thicker but no one ever told me how thick my ass would get.

I was completely flat 7 months ago. Now the clap of my ass cheeks keeps startling my dog.

Holy hell chairs are comfortable now, assuming they can withstand the weight of my dump truck. Every run is now resistance training because I'm dragging a wagon behind me. Jesus, trying to put on pants has me looking like a post on thechive.com from 2006.

Obviously I'm exaggerating but the fact that this is the most obvious change on my body is wild.