Hans Scherfig (1905-1979) was a renowned Danish communist, author, and satirist. His piece, "ABC Warfare – Tips and Tricks," first published on January 24th 1960 in Land & Folk, the official newspaper of the Communist Party of Denmark, clowns on the rampant paranoia of the Cold War era and the absurd advice given by authorities.

Today, as NATO is gearing up for a new cold war and pushing paranoia against geopolitical enemies, his takedown of military authority and fearmongering feels eerily prescient

ABC Warfare – Tips and Tricks

If, during a walk in northern Zealand, you notice that the cows are lying dead in the fields "without visible cause," and that the grass and trees have taken on "a sickly appearance," you should immediately report your observation to the nearest police authority. On your way to the police station or the local bailiff, you must only breathe through your nose, and you must be wearing a raincoat and gloves. If you subsequently also feel sick or unwell yourself, it is recommended that you see a doctor.

The reason for the sudden death of the cows, the sickly appearance of the vegetation, and your own indisposition could possibly be biological warfare, inflicted upon us by Sweden or some other ill-intentioned neighboring nation. During such biological warfare, it would be prudent to "refrain from socializing as far as possible" and "avoid visits to the theatre and cinema." Furthermore, you should – already in peacetime – wash your hands "every time you have been to the toilet." It is further emphasized that "good eating habits, good sleep" and "daily appropriate exercises" provide good protection against biological weapons, also called B-weapons.

These wise tips come from the head of something called the "Defence ABC-School," Lieutenant Colonel A.J.B. Reiler. They can be read in a little pamphlet "Protect Yourself," which appears to have been published by the "Civil Defence Journal." The place of printing is missing and is possibly a military secret, which it might be dangerous to try and investigate.

"In principle" biological warfare is nothing new, "as humans have waged war against bacteria for centuries," writes Lieutenant Colonel Reiler very reassuringly. "We can therefore immediately establish that any attempt to talk up B-warfare as something new and mysterious lacks a factual basis." But even without "talking up B-warfare," it must be admitted that it can cause unpleasantness. These unpleasantnesses will, however, be diminished and our country's defensive force strengthened when we carefully follow the Lieutenant Colonel's instructions.

We are thus to "be vigilant against foreigners' interest in food and drink," which can be difficult in a country where it has hitherto been a national endeavour precisely to spark foreigners' interest in our food. We must furthermore refrain from collecting "colourful feathers or the like," which "could be tempting as souvenirs or as toys for children." The mysterious, colourful feathers "may have been left or scattered intentionally in the hope of thus spreading sources of infection." Furthermore, the ABC-Lieutenant Colonel warns against consuming wine or beer which has been handed out by unknown persons on public streets or squares. That sort of thing could very well be "biological mines." The same applies to cigarettes, candy and chocolate, as well as banknotes temptingly placed outdoors after having been maliciously infected beforehand. In addition, we must beware of free balloons, remote-controlled or "free" rockets, insects, rats and mice, water, fruit, and the bacteria spread "with any form of ammunition, both mortar and artillery ammunition as well as aerial bombs and small arms ammunition." And it is very bad indeed if airplanes drop "seemingly innocent things."

During war, one must not bathe in "uncontrolled water (see the illustration!)," but the Lieutenant Colonel also says: "Take regular baths!" He encourages cleanliness and does not believe one should lend one's toothbrush to others, which is unlikely to be common practice outside officer circles anyway. One must never eat "random" fruit or "raw garden and field produce," and one must be vigilant against "any unusual event."

Now, it is quite possible that the nations which secretly seek our lives will not content themselves with inflicting B-warfare upon us, but will also devise waging C-war against the innocent Danes. Lieutenant Colonel Reiler has been attentive to this possibility and has supplemented his B-advice with two pages of equally good C-advice.

C-war means chemical warfare, "popularly called gas warfare." The types of gas intended for use against us are divided by the Lieutenant Colonel into six groups:

Nerve gas
Blood agents
Blister gas
Choking gas
Tear gas
Sneeze gas

Each group contains several different gases with different effects, smells, and tastes. Among the nerve gases, "the most important" are for example tabun, sarin, and soman, which, without leaving visible traces, penetrate through the skin and clothing and attack the nervous system, causing, among other things, convulsions and "in severe cases death within minutes." Among the blood agents are hydrogen cyanide and cyanogen chloride, which smell like marzipan, but unfortunately prevent one's cells from utilizing the oxygen in the air and, like the previous gas types, cause death within minutes.

Blister gas, on the other hand, acts more slowly. It gets its name from the blisters it causes on the skin, which after a few hours turn into sores. Furthermore, it corrodes the airways. It occurs in several variations, of which mustard gas and lewisite are the best known.

Under choking gas, chlorine, chloropicrin, phosgene, and diphosgene are mentioned as examples. These gases cause fluid to seep into the lungs and kill by suffocation; they are also recognized by the fact that they smell like mouldy hay.

These many possibilities for an agonizing death might perhaps cause despondency in the less brave part of the civilian population. But with Lieutenant Colonel Reiler's instructions in your pocket, you should not despair. Read the rules carefully and learn them by heart!

When war threatens, you must be vigilant for, among other things, the following symptoms: Dizziness, visual disturbances, tightness in the chest, difficulty breathing, convulsions, and unconsciousness. In "more severe cases" of unconsciousness, it is recommended to see a doctor. Hot drinks are said to provide relief against choking gas. Staying in the open air is good against blood agents. In case of poisoning by sneeze gas, one can "in severe cases rinse the nose and mouth with water," and against tear gas, it is recommended to "wash affected areas of the skin," though only "in more severe cases."

"If you notice a strange smell" you should always be vigilant. Sneeze gas smells like "burnt fireworks," but blister gas has a scent like geraniums, onions, mustard, or horseradish. Tear gas has an aroma like apple blossoms or watercress. But – says Lieutenant Colonel Reiler – "do not expect the gas types to have the pure smell we indicate above; smell can be camouflaged." Nerve gas, unfortunately, has no smell or taste at all, but it can be "recognized by its symptoms," so one at least has the satisfaction of knowing what one is dying from.

Of course, one should never go to town without a gas mask. But for careless civilians who, despite the Lieutenant Colonel's warnings, move about without protective equipment, certain instructions are given, "which certainly do not guarantee against poisoning, but which, when carried out, provide a fairly significant chance of saving a life, indeed, in many cases can mean the difference between life and death."

If you are outdoors, you must immediately go indoors. Conversely, for certain gas types, you should preferably stay in the open air, as "movement in the open air will provide relief." In other cases, you must not move but should "keep still, preferably in the open air, until the symptoms disappear." So: If you are outside, you must go in. If you are inside, you must go out. Furthermore, you must move and keep still.

"When gas warfare threatens, always wear a hat when you are outdoors!" says the Lieutenant Colonel. If you are surprised by an attack, you should press a handkerchief against your nose and mouth and hold your breath "for as long as possible." But better than a handkerchief is "a sock filled with soil," which is why such a thing should always be carried. "If you hear aircraft in the air, do not be curious, see fig. 2, the eyes are in danger.

Since our unknown enemy – whoever it may be – will not shy away from harassing us with A-warfare in addition to B and C-warfare, the pamphlet provides good instructions on how best to avert the unpleasantnesses caused by atomic bombs. This section is authored by Captain V. Skjødt, who is the second-in-command at the Defence ABC-School.

He is a swift captain. In civilian school, we learned that the swiftest thing is the speed of light. Captain Skjødt is swifter than light. When one has observed the flash of light from the exploding atomic bomb, he believes one can still manage to shield oneself from the thermal radiation, which comes simultaneously with the flash of light and at the same speed. No one can match him in this.

Simultaneously with the thermal radiation (at several thousand degrees) comes an "initial radioactive radiation" also at the speed of light, as well as a "pressure wave" like a powerful hurricane, which, however, only has the speed of sound. To protect oneself from all this, one must – after observing the flash of light – cover one's face and hands and cover the back of the neck "by pulling the coat collar up over the neck or placing headgear far back."

One must "throw oneself down." If one is indoors, one must throw oneself along the wall with the window ("if the room has windows on several walls," one must throw oneself under a table). "Do not worry about the direction, you will not have time to choose!" says the captain. That is probably correct considering that the measures must be taken at a speed greater than that of light. If you are in a vehicle, you must first stop the engine before crawling down "below window level" – faster than light.

After the atomic bomb has fallen, you must remain where you are until you receive further orders regarding evacuation. "You are stepping into the unknown if you set off on your own." But: "If it is very dusty in the area where you are" you must – besides "brushing the dust off your clothes" – "seek out a dust-free area."

If the nuclear weapon has been detonated underground or underwater, you will not "perceive" any flash of light, "but radioactive water particles or dust particles will be dangerous." After such explosions, one must therefore "unconditionally remain or go indoors, until guidance is given by competent persons." The radioactive dust (or water) "is removed from the body by thorough washing (see fig. 12)."

The question then is whether there still is any "indoors" after such an explosion where competent captains can seek you out with their astute guidance, and whether after the destruction of the waterworks there will still be clean water in the taps for washing off the radioactive water.

Captain Skjødt concludes his advice thus: "The aforementioned rules should not be a guarantee that everyone will come through the explosion of a nuclear weapon unscathed, but you might be one of the thousands whom the rules can bring safely through the disaster."

The captain is too modest. This pamphlet is truly composed in such a way that it can contribute to saving us all from war and disaster. It is a useful pamphlet. It should be distributed free of charge as soon as possible to every household in Denmark, and people who read it will themselves formulate the simple protective rules that are necessary: Protect yourself against the civil defence. Protect yourself against the military. Protect yourself against idiots!