It feels wrong when everything is going well

When I'm saving money, being kind and considerate, working hard and eating healthy something feels wrong. It's not exactly boredom. It's a desire to fuck things up.

My childhood involved a lot of moving around, constantly leaving friends behind when my parents got new jobs, finding new places to live, then later in life I continued the chaos with sex, drugs and drinking. Stints in rehab, constantly looking for a new job because I'd fucked up the old one, a new place to live after something went wrong at home. The chaos feels normal.

It's like "call of the void" but with my life rather than a single moment. And it's constant. I even have nightmares when things are going well. My brain doesn't know how to be happy.