Why I try to blend in with my friends

Before everything, why do I not go to a therapist? Money. I want to though.

I observed that whenever I get to like someone, I am beginning to copy their traits. This happens with anyone, friends, lover or even a random youtuber. I believe it is affecting me at the core, making it harder to tell myself who I really am.

The first occurrence of this is when I told my mom in 2nd grade that I wanted to be “cool” like the other classmates. It was something small at the time and no one questioned why was that.

This evolved over time, slowly. I’ve learnt things I see others I liked did. I wouldn’t have learnt because I found curiosity in the specific object, I learnt because they did it.

Years later, in high school I found myself with a best friend. Subconsciously I began copying his traits, way of speaking, mannerisms, even clothing style. It’s like I was a copy of him. I was blending with him.

Then we had a fight and friendship ended. I was devastated, I did not know who I was anymore. I spent a large amount of time alone, dwelling into spirituality and meditation.

A year later, I get into a relationship. It started alright, until one triggering experience. She went into a trip with her friends. Irrationally enough, even if I was invited but didn’t want to go, I felt fear of abandonment. That triggered a part of me which made me develop a severe anxious attachment towards the other person. I started checking up on her 24/7, talk with her 24/7. I wanted for us to “become 1”.

This was too demanding for her and we broke up. I was devastated again. It felt like a part of me was tore apart.

Now, 2 years later, I’m observing a pattern.

There’s clearly a fear of abandonment, which may came from multiple sources, I’ll shortly brief some here

As lost as I am, I think there’s some signs of BPD. I read some posts and I relate to them.

Thanks for reading.

I feel dumb writing this, my mom would tell me to quit thinking like this ;-;