Just toying with the idea here. I am thinking about proposing in the next year and I never expected I would be in this position.
My sister was just proposed to and dude must have spent like 10 grand on the ring. I think she feels like he spent too much. It looks like the friggin thing weighs her whole hand down.
Also do you think it is misogynist to ask the lady’s dad for permission?
By not at least informing the father though he risks creating a rift between them. You don’t need to ask for permission anymore, but asserting that you are planning on proposing is a respectable thing. Shows dad that you’re honorable and you’re not afraid to talk to him 1-1, and avoiding it can be seen as disrespectful. I agree that you don’t need to ask, but telling him that it’s your intention is very respectful. I found that it honors the parents while also sidestepping the whole patriarchal bit. My (now) very feminist wife respected it quite a bit.
I’ll admit though I was sweating through my shirt and probably sqeaked it out, and said something stupid like “I’m not asking because she wouldn’t want me to, but I’m here to tell you, that I am planning on, uh”, and then I finally spit it out, and he laughed and hugged me, we now have a great rapport
Yours is a lovely solution in a culture where asking is still common. As a feminist, I would suggest that this approach is expanded to inform both parents simultaneously though, not just the father.
That said, I stand by my viewpoint that OP’s partner’s wants are the most important consideration. Personally, unless my partner wanted advice or assistance from my parents related specifically to the proposal, I wouldn’t have expected my parents to know about the proposal before I did.
My dad knew this though, so he once told my partner during a family dinner that he approved of him 🤭 My brother nearly fell off his chair laughing and told my partner to run while he still could.
Also, my mom has zero poker face, so if he told her I would have immediately known something is up - so maybe don’t tell them too far in advance, either 🤣
Edit: reshuffled some wording, plus:
it also depends on the ages (and generational expectations) of OPs prospective in-laws. I don’t know how long ago your proposal was but mine was quite a while ago now.